Goodbye Mo

I feel somewhat like work has taken over my life recently but here it comes another work related post. Today was Mo's final day. I felt quiet sad to be honest she was one of the few people I got on well with. Morning was difficult there were a rash of small but important bug suddenly raised. I only managed to get through because I new we were going for luncheon.

The IT/IS staff and myself went out to the King William pub for a bite to eat, I had a rather tasty but totally overpriced homemade burger and chips. We all wished Mo good luck then it was back to work.

Had a distressing 30 minutes after receiving a phone call from Ian. He told me his email had failed; I checked mine and found it was down. PANIC!! Fortunately after some tense phone calls it turned out the PIX firewall had crashed one reboot and everything is back. Just shows I need to get myself in gear and get the other server sorted. Soon!

At 5pm there was a gathering to hand Mo a card and present I released somehow I missed out on the collection and card signing and felt rather small. I don't think she noticed as the present was big and the card had a lot of signatures, but its pretty stupid of me. I wished her well in her new role and went to the gym feeling like a complete twat.

I had not done a weight session since before going to Belarus and found not only couldn't I lift the same weights I couldn't even get through my program. I am going to need to take this seriously from now on.

Tonight Bruce and I spent more time setting up the lan server it is looking pretty good though we are having issues getting one of the stats services running. As usual all the preparation is at the last minute despite the fact we have had the LAN date for months. I really hope this one goes well,

Right now at 12.15 I am dialled into work trying to fix a server issues out of hours, I think I will be up for a couple of hours to come. I don't think I will be much use at work tomorrow but hopefully if I can fix this issue at least something will be running correctly.

Run to the Hills

Today was another day in paradise; the air conditioner is broken so we had to open the windows. This isn't an ideal situation when there is a busy road outside make it difficult to hear. Fortunately the smell of drains has dissipated, the air conditioner repair man says we need a new compressor so don't hold our breath waiting for a new one.

I spent another day trying to get my colleagues web service functional think I am finally there it still needs some error handling but at least it brings back figures now. It kind of annoyed me the way my colleague told myself (and everyone else) he was nearly done when in fact there was a lot of work to do. Mind you it has forced me to learn more and I think in the end it will be a good bit of code so I am staying positive.

At 4.45 and the IT boys got everyone off the system to fail over as the power was going down in our building. Power in the main building would still be operational. The switchover should have taken minutes, at 5.45 I left (15minutes late) for the failover hadn' taken place. Typical of technology really always goes wrong at the least opportune moment.

Japanese class was unbelievable the difficulty level has really ramped up. Eme was trying to teach us tenses using the days and dates we have learned over the last few weeks. It's really difficult a total departure from the way us English (and Europeans) treat grammar. They also have a fun way of shortening words, it's all very confusing I need to practise more.

I got home to find a message on my phone about work. Appaerently a controller card had failed on one of the servers which prevented fail over and they were having trouble getting services to restart. Luckly I rang back it seems that the problems had resolved and the servers will be online when I get in tomorrow. Thank goodness for that! Tomorrow is Mo's last day would be a shame not to be able to go out for lunch as planned because of a system failure.

Two comments in two days thats excellent going, lucky me. Hello Sarah, I do indeed I remember, you, very well in fact. Thanks for the feedback your most kind I only hope I can maintain your interest :) In fact Paul mentioned you and Simo in passing on the weekend.

Slam

I cut last night's post short due to the fact it was getting pretty late. Yesterday I spent the morning was spent with Paul. He played me a couple of his new songs which I enjoyed greatly. One of which was very good, almost a Thom Yorkesq dance track the other needed a bit of work but had potential. Its always great to hear Paul's songs I almost feel like I am part of the creative process feeding something back.

We played some more computer games, it's been years since I used a console system in anger it was quiet a lot of fun especially Mario kart. I remember the day I bought my Nintendo 64 with Mario 64 I think I stayed up most of the night playing!

I left about 7 and had a nightmare journey home I was going to go on the toll then realised I had no change so decided to go via Birmingham error! Lots of roadwork's complete with speed cameras very confusing and stressful at night and in the rain.

Work was a bit of a nightmare today not least because of the smell. Since the restaurant down stairs close apparently people have been clogging one of the sinks. It was full of rotting food and blocked up, a plumber cleared it but the stench was unbelievable. I also had to deal with a failure on one of the systems. I was supposed to dial in and fix tonight unfortunately my login has expired so I can't. I also got left a program which I was assure was nearly done just needed a bit of tweaking. Well I tweaked it all afternoon and it's still not working. It was productive day in that I managed to take out my frustrations at the gym rather than on people. I didn' managed to do any Japanese practise yet I will have to have a skim through at lunch tomorrow.

This evening Phil and Bruce came over and we watched episode three of Lost season three. I think that so far I have been unimpressed and this episode did nothing to rekindle my interest. Thanks to Becky for her comment, I always enjoy feedback. I still haven't found out who the anonymous person that claimed to have read the entire 2006 archive is any takers?

I felt truly rotten Saturday morning but I somehow managed to get up at 8 shower breakfast and get out by 9.20 I was on my way to Bristol. I arrived about 12.30 roadwork held me up through Birmingham but the M5 was a joy tore down it with happy abandon.

I managed to have a bit of a look round the city saw the Quay area which was very nice lots of fountains and outdoor art. I had lunch in a bar overlooking it all which was rather pleasant. I even went into the St Mary Redcliffe Church which was pretty spectacular. I think I need to do more of these trips travel around and see more of the United Kingdom I seem to know Australia better.

I didn't really fancy travelling all the way back I toyed with the Idea of staying down there however I had another idea popped into see Paul in Leamington its was a lot quicker than going all the way home. Even better I arrived in time to share Thai curry with him and Pippa. We stayed up and chatted about life played some games and watched the grudge (my advice don't bother and this was my second viewing). I played Mario Kart I had forgotten how much fun it is and how much I wanted to win (I think had Holly been there she would have been shocked at how competitive we all were).

Pippa went to bed earlier and Paul and I sat up chatting it was good to catch up we didn't really have the time to chat last week because there were so many of us out. Being at his little pad chilling out in control of things made me more determined than ever I must get my own place as much as I love my parents its doing me no good living here I rely on them and it makes me lazy and cowardly. Its also a real turn off to women they want strong independent types not mummies boys still living at home. If only I could raise that deposit!

El Condor Pasa

I have been away from my PC this weekend so apologies for the lack of posting. Ill start with Friday night and try and work chronologically forward.

Mo (the girl I work with) had her last day next Wednesday so we decided to go have a few drinks after work. There was a small irony in this as being a Muslim she dosn't drink and was fasting so couldn't even drink her coke until after Sundown at 6.08. It was actually quiet pleasant the other people from work were relaxed. After 3 pints I was a little sozzelled, Mo left and there was another group going into Manchester, I decided not to as I wanted a quiet night because of my trip to Bristol on the Saturday.

My dad was kind enough to give me a lift home, so I had some dinner and got changed sobered up. Phil called me and asked if I fancied going for a quick drink at the Rectory I said hell why not so we headed back to Wilmslow. Arriving at the Rectory to find it busy and not on top form. We had a pint and were about to leave when we bumped into Endo and his mate. Somehow things got a little hazy from here more drinks followed then more we headed to the Sam Finny more drinks followed before I knew it I was wasted making a fool of myself on the dancefloor.

Flawless

Went for a drink after work to celebrate (not sure if that is the correct term) Mo's leaving. Was a reasonable nice couple of drinks with the co workers my dad was kind enought to give me a lift home. I stayed too late though and missed out going to see a band with Jo.

My parents took the cat to the vet found out that he has an ear infection and need antibiotics. The vet did say that for such an old cat he had a really nice coat. He is asleep on my bed at the moment, poor old thing.

Yuk

My cat woke me up in the night by throwing up. Its been ill for several years with failing kidneys we take it to the vet every 6 weeks or so for a steroid injection. It is lso on a low protein diet personally I think its amazing he is still alive 19 years old has got to be a great ago for a cat.

However beeing woken up by the sound of him hacking up on my floor at 4.30am wasnt the most fun I have had this week. Fortunatly most of it landed on my British Computer Society voting forms rather than the carpet.

Yay

To help cheer myself up I have arranged to go to see Paul on the weekend. Hurrah it's always fun times with him. What with going out for Mo's leaving do tomorrow its going to be a hectic one not managed much Japanese practise yet :S

Oh Andy has come online going to help sort out his email night all.

All the things she said

Sorry for the lack of posts recently but there have been a few things at work and home that I could not publish but if I had started a blog these thoughts would have ended up on there. Things have calmed down enough for me to blog again without ending up in trouble I hope.

It's Maia' birthday today she text messaged me this morning to say the card I sent her had arrived amazing timing really, I wish I could claim I planned it to perfection it was really just luck with the post, I hope she has a good time. I don't know if its the end of the line for us I can feel we are drifting apart that bond we had whilst I was over there and talking to her on the phone her gone. She has the Italian for that now. I shall really miss the fact that someone out there needed only to hear my voice to be happy.

Work has not been good recently I have been feeling really frustrated with myself and some of the people I work with. I just feel like there is no progression for me I am simply doing the same old things everyday, I need to be improving myself rather than stagnating. In truth I am not sure what to do should I tell my boss I am unhappy with the way things are, carry on waiting for the next review starting looking for something else or start doing some courses, I am so confused!

Jono came over this evening inturupting a msn chat I was having with his sister Ali. She wants me to read some new age books about motivation and postive mental attitude. I am pretty dead set against to be honest I gave up goign too church I don' need any other qusi religion in my life. Jono then tempted me back to his place for tea and toast. I was meant to be going for a drink with Phil but he never turned up.

Fixed Mac

Another boring day of work but thanks to good feeling from the weekend I managed to get through.
Tonight I popped to the gym realising I have been very lazy and put on a few pounds and lost a bit of fitness did a 6KM run and 15 minutes of the bikes it nearly killed me but I got through.
Phil came round to help me fix my mac following a guide managed to swap out the hard disk. It was a pain needed to ask Jono as I didn't have a small enough jewlers screwdriver. I stupidly tried using a stanley knife after gonig through two blades I reliased I had to call round for help.
Have been listening to Slam by Pendulum thanks to Wooler playing it intensivly this weekend. Itunes is great sometime, mind you the album costs 9.95 on itunes but you can buy the CD for 7.99 from HMV online.

The Departed

After getting back from Andy's I spent the afternoon reading finished off Wizard and Glasss I think its the worst one of the dark tower series so far though it does provide a lot of depth to Roland's character
Went to see the Departed tonight with Phil, its a pretty good thought completly butal film. It was a typical mob film given an Irish twist set in Boston the action follows Boston Irish kingpin Frank Costello he has his fingers in every pie including the police force. Against this raw recruit Billy Costigan a kid with a family history tied up with the mob play goes undercover to get to inside Costellos organisation. PLenty of twist and turns follow. The action is brutal it reminded me of the gritty reality of a history of violence. It is well filmed and acted, definatly worth a watch as long as you like dark ganster films and can stand the slow pace and length (about 2.5 hours).

Trains to Brazil

Paul had come up from Leamington for the weekend and was staying with Woller. So last night I went out "with the boys" in Macclesfield. Jo Berger Riginhi also came out with us though they left earlier.

Everybody was in high spirits and after a few games or Mario Cart we stomped down to the Flowerpot for a warm up drinks. Jokes were told beer was drunk then another walk into the town.

Next stop was Weatherspoons more banter jokes and oggling on the local talent followed. I wish I could remember the jokes but mostly I just remember laughing a lot. I do remember that the bar was stupidly busy so we were forced to double up our drinks.

Leaving the Weatherpoons several pints heavier but one member lighter Righni had to catch a train, we stoped for a quick drink in a couple of places before taking the plunge and heading to Chicago Rock. Not my favoirte venue but hey after a few drinks and with a brillent £10 for entrie and 7 count them drinks it was fun. I even had a bit of a dance.

Grabbed a kebab and ended up back at wollers. On the way into his hous ehe managed to set the alarm off then put his music on full blast I am sure his neighbours wanted to listen to pendulum at 3 am.

I managed to be drunk enough to wack hell out of Wollers punch bag I have no idea why it seemed like a fun thing to do at the time.

Dungens and dragons

These are interesting times for sure, I haven't seen Phil all week since the Birmingham job he seemed very happy got something else line up.
Today was a nightmare for me thanks for someone leaving I got moved to another desk overlooked by the entire department coupled with a micro managing boss I don't thing I will last long.

I have spent the day doing the most boring task editing an excel document documenting fields there's are well over 2000 of them each taking a minute of so, it going to take a long time. Did I really study for a degree to edit excel spending my life doing the least meaningful tasks?

Tonight chatted to miss ??? reviled far too much as is my nature I am sure I will have scared her away despite her thoughts to the contrary.

I found myself at the unicorn Claire was there she looked fatter and less appealing than ever compared to Maia she was nothing I wonder if I will feel this way about Maia? Is this moving on? Why did it take so long did I not want to?

A weird episode happened to us this evening on arrival we [Phil and I] were sat near to a group of loud people. Eventually one guy came over to talk about the nature of existence and a girl came over to tell Phil he is a wizard and need to be open minded. It was weird hearing Phil drawn into thing I hope I am not that malleable, Personally I find any religion ever Wicca to be counter to my view but it sure sparked some debate.

I can't get Maia out of my head its the question that haunts me "would things have been different if I met her first?" its an insane track of though pointless and meaningless its happened I just need to deal with it and move on but somehow its impossible. I want her so much how was it I kept quiet why I hide my feelings am I a coward or a hero?

I know miss ??? thinks I am a loser did I damn myself twice? With the same words?

It must be nice to believe in something it's been a long time since I have had any touchstone,

Go Back

One of the people I have worked with since day one handed in her notice today. It won't be the same without her there will be no-one to make the tea for starters! No seriously she has been a pleasure to work with it will leave a big gap in the office space; I hope her new employ will work out best of luck.

My day went alright got a massive and tedious data mapping exercise to do. Also been working on a new print routine means less work for people I didn't ask what would happen to the people that had been doing the work. I find that it is better not to ask. After all I did not make the choice nor could I change it.

Tonight I stayed in I have been trying to save some money I have another holiday (any ideas where to go?) coming up and I haven't paid off the last one yet!

It was quiet nice to relax to be honest sitting reading with the cat sat on my lap, chatting to a few people on the net build up my strength for a raucous time in Macclesfield this weekend. Paul is coming up and staying with Matt Woller so Macc is the place to party.

Rock on!

Big Brother

I think I managed to scare Paul today. He happened to be looking at my photo gallery at the same time I was checking the stat pages. I texted him and asked whether he had enjoyed the photos. An immediate text back reviled his surprise. Before you all shutdown and never return I cant actually find out who is viewing the site only make educated guesses I can see the host the ISP and the geographic location (I put a link in however it was broken if you want to see the map click here and select show visitor map). I can think of only one person in the Midland's who would spend hours looking through my website. From what I can see there are two or three Londoner's I guess that is probably Emily, Pippa and Another but who knows.

Talking of Paul he turned me onto the Easy All Stars Reggae version of OK Computer I heard one song then bought the album and I am not disappointed so chilled and well done completely respectful to the original concept yet sounds fresh and new, excellent!

Work was actually quiet civil for a change looks like we might actually get something live this century, in fact the only annoyance was from someone through email badgering me. I do wish he would concentrate on his own work instead of mithering me.

Big in Japan

Today I managed to get something Live hurrah, only a small prog but at least I am finally managing to get some changes through the system. I even did accompanying the paperwork. I there is something good about actually solving a problem even if noone pats me on the back I still get a sense of achievement.

Afterwork I had my third (actually the fifth thanks to the lessons I missed whilst I was in Belarus). Today we practised some more Katakana a few of the symbols are starting to come to me but its only the tip of the iceberg this is in the main the anglified version (with some German French and other lanagues thrown in for fun). Also learned the days of the week oh and I am looking for a Kana keyboard anyone know where I can buy one?

Tonight wathced Clerks II it was pretty funny nowhere as near as biting social commentary as the first movie I especially missed the little customers asides from the first movie. I also felt some of Hicks rants were a little over done, however its was a funny movie well worht a watch as long as you don't mind swearing or sexual themes ;)

I feel a bit more chilled out today perhaps it was the success at work perhaps I am just having a good day this evening I feel better in my mind than I have done in a long time. Had a few people message me randomly from myspace and ICQ recently a few even seem like nice people which is always nice perhaps I am due for an upturn in fortunes, well I can hope right ;)

There is nothing like emptying a cartrige at the sun!

Several worring things from Netdoctor. I took some of the quizzes apparently I am depressed and possibliy an alcoholic, no surpirses there then. Worse though is the fact I should have had vaccinations before going to Belarus I didn't though. Hopefully I am fine on symptoms other than this never ending cold but I had that before I left.
I am sure I will survive its one of the things I seem to be good at so far. Someone asked me about the titles of the posts where it was some clever joke, unfortunatly not there is nothing very deep about it. I found I wasn't very imaginative about title so I started to choose the title or lyrics of a sing I am listening to whilst writing it, for example this post has a lyric from Regina Spektor Uhmerica. Most are pretty obvious but some are quiet obscure.

Right I am going to read the last chapter of the waste lands beofre I sleep, night night.

Happy reading!

I want more

I can't stop thinking about Maia see her in my dreams, she's always on my mind hiding in corners seeing false images memories intruding into my mind whilst I run round the track. How long will these feelings last how much can I stand. Rationally nothing ever happened never will but somehow the idea the dream if you will just wont fade at least not yet. I guess whats perverse is that I cant even talk to her about my feelings I made the choice and I have to live with it.

Meanwhile normal life continues, went to work today my boss made an appearance. He had meetings the client all morning. After lunch I chauffeured him to the new office. Its a pretty nice modern building was random to walk in and see M C and my dad sat in an office together. After a bit of a chat I gave Martin a lift back to the Airport and headed back to the clients. I heard more promises of a change to other more exciting projects but after what happened last time I think I will reserve judgement for the time being. Managed (I think to get one bug fixed) then it was home time.

Went to the gym in the hope that exercise would help rid some of my daemons, it worked a little I feel better for going though I am terribly unfit 5KM on the track nearly finished me off I'm sure I used to be able to do it faster and do a weights session afterwards. After the run I spent 25 minutes on the X-trainer then did some abdominals work I was covered in sweat and thoroughly exhausted by the time I hit the shower. I now weigh 83kg 5kg less though I fear that might in the most part be loss of muscle mass rather than fat. I think I need to get back into the weights.

How to replace a hard drive

Found out how to swap out the hard disk on my powerbook. Looks difficult but I might give it a try after the gym tonight.

Good Times Bad Times

Lulu received the card / present I sent her finally, I don't think she was impressed by the Russian doll. In fact she had no idea it was a popular Russian symbol however she was as ever most polite, think the card went down better she didn't even criticize my poor attempts at Chinese symbols. I must have practised 10 times before I wrote out the card but I still found it impossible.

Got a small moral dilemma, I have kept in touch with Paul's ex Lisa and she invited me to a party in London. I spoke to Paul about it and he was completely cool. Typically though I still some reservations fortunately I think Phil is going to come with me which should make everything cool as even if it turns out I don't have anything in common with anyone (a frequent fear of mine). Should be a fun trip out get the train there have a few drinks meet some new people catch up with Lisa, we had some fun times out in Australia so I have a good feeling. There was one spectre of a problem though on seeing a link to my blog she had a similar reaction to a girl I was kind of seeing some time back, P took one look on my blog had a total rant about how could I put my feelings online to the world I am a weirdo and I never heard from her again. Anne wasn't quiet as bad she simple said "I advise you not to".

Spent most of today chilling out I felt incredibly tired finished reading "The Waste Lands" It was a pretty good read King is a master of misdirection keeps you interested in the whys and wherefores.

Managed to make it to the gym for cardio session I found it incredibly hard to get there and harder still to make it through an hour of cardio but by the end as usual I felt much the better for it.

Spent some time today speaking to another Belarusian girl. Her name is Anna and she is currently on work experience in Bristol from her studies in Berlin. Se was most incensed I referred to a Russian village and not Belarusian one. So I went through and made some amendments. She did sent me some wonderful pictures of her home town and tell me a few more stories which was really nice. ICQ can be a wonderful medium sometimes.

Talking of why caught the first episode of the third of Lost, arghh nothing answered just more questions and only 3 characters its going to be another long but enjoyable series.

This evening watched a film Thank you for not smoking which a truly brilliant film dark funny and original. Well worth a watch whether you're a smoker or not it puts a different perspective on the debates. Part of the film is about the character that is the face for big tobacco Nick, he is an unashamed capitalist.

Out of Routine

I was a bit unhappy tired and drunk the other night, I contemplated deleting the post but given that statcounter shows quiet a few people have already read it I might as well it. To be honest some of the sentiment is true I spent six months cultivating an insane relationship with a girl in another country only to have it fail. I guess I should take away the good times I have had and move on try to find happiness closer to home.

I feel exhausted this morning building the internet cafe was a lot harder than we imagined. A series of last minute problems meant that although by 2 O'Clock we thought we were nearly finished, we didn't actually leave the ICC until 8:30pm. Then went for a curry courtesy of Jim then Bruce drove back to Manchester arrived about 12:30 I felt very tired went to bed.

Internet Cafe

Today set up an internet cafe in the Birmingham ICC, starting at 8am Loading the car at Phil's house. I am actually sending this post from one of the internet computers here. Apologies for the poor quality photos but they were taken on my phone.
We had a few last minute problems and ended up having to rebuild the Smoothwall box, it normally runs headless and we didn't have a monitor so we had to borrow the plamsa screen from one of the displays.

Obsessions

Recently I have had too obsessions both must end. Its time for a new me to emerge, once a long time ago Bruce said to me "I went away and when I returned it was like meeting John Version 2". Bruce was refering to the change in me caused by meeting Jenny, well today I think its time for another new version. I hit an impasse today I wrote a long message to Maia basically asking her how could she haved loved Mattius aka plastic fantastic and not me. Could ever be the one?

Then I realised I have already let her go, already admitted to myself she loved someone else. If thats true all other questions are irrelivent so why ask. only to torture myself. It is time to move on to forget to remember the good and forget everything else. Maia showed my something that I could feel more, that I could meet someone who made me feel that I was whole. Her life has been far harder than mine I have to right to ask anything of her she showed me more kindness than most.

So now I am John version 3 tring to find a new path, I need to change remember those happy feelings and not settle for less (I dont think inm my heart I can anymore). Tonight I went for a quiz with work, we came 4th its finishing at 9 I walked home stopping off for a few more drinks and realisation started to dawn. I have to give up I cant waste my life longing for the impossible I need to take the good bits and move on. I will be 27 in November once upon a time I talked about having kids before I was 30 I doubt that now perhaps thats a life not for me I no longer know. All I do no is I cannot go on dreaming I need to push ahead start going back to the gym start feeling happy and positive remember the fun times and forget this darkness that I feel I am drowning in.

This is probably all drivel I am a little drunk and nonsensical. Tomorrow I am going to help Phil build at internet cafe hopefully it will help take my mind off everything.

Mooncakes

Lulu is back off her trip just caught her I as turned on my pc before work. She was telling me about some of the things she saw including the grave of an ancient king from the Zhuo dynasty in it were buried horses and chariots. It is said only the king could have six-horse chariot
She told me it was moon fesival time and that reminded me back to the frist SMS message I received from China (form her) it feels like yesterday but it was years ago.

I cant wiat for Shanghai it should be out of this world.

Nice to be out

Work was a lot better today I took the initiative and moved onto something different, handed one of my problems to a senior collegue who kind of agreed with me so we might be able to get somewhere now.

Most amusing thing today was watching (for the first time in two years) a traffic warden coming round Wilmslow ticketing all the people parked illegally, unlucky people in overpriced 4x4 parked illegally.

Saw a great tagline today For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.. I think I've seen it before but still made me chuckle.
Wimped out of the gym and given I am going to a works quiz night tomorrow and out to Birmingham on Saturday wont get another chance until Sunday lazy me.

The picture of me hugging a bear finally arrived from Belarus, its really funny Maia looks terrified!

Fast as you can

Felt very de-motivated at work today, our compitors were in a bullish mood laughing and joking with the management. I was left with a problem which I couldnt get to the bottom of I feel like my skills are wasting not improving and I am not sure what I can do about it. The lack of management leadership and training coupled with growing disquite from the customer have conspired to destroy my confidence and motivation.

To counter this blackness I managed to get back to the gym only did a cardio session 45minutes jogging and 15 minutes on the bike it was increadibly hard work I dont know if its the break or the illness I had whilst I was away in Belarus. Hopefully I will quickly manage to get back into the swing. It was important to go just to get back it took a lot of effort because I knew it would be hard. The gym hasn't changed at all the smells, the vaugly familer people I have seen so many times and yet never spoken to, the vague feeling of unreality of running round the track, travelling without moving almost.

Tonight I have been working with Bruce trying to get the new webserver going its proving slightly difficult because we want it to be a lot better st up than the last one. In the end gave up and went to the pub try again another day.

Alone In Kyoto

Japanese class was pretty damn difficult, I missed the last two lessons and dispite my efforts to keep up I am finding it very difficult to learn the Katakana alphabet. I guess I also found it hard to learn the English alphabet as a kid too I remember hours of writing practise not like my hand writing ever got particuarly good. I am determined to carry on and improve though I am totally fed up of being a typical ignorent Englishman incapable of speaking another langague.

Finally got hold of the special cable for doing the sever it cost £20 plus shipping dispite being the crappest flimsyest thing I have seen it is good enough to get the server up and running so hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can migrate all the websites to a better faster computer. I also found I needed IBMs special server administration disk to set up the RAID controller, a bit annoying as it meant downloading 600MB just to change two settings!

Also on computer front finally got my replacement battery from Apple so hopefully I wont go up in smoke now!

I need to get back to the gym I haven't been since before I left for Belarus and since I got back I felt ill then tired but its no use I need to get back into it or Ill get fat(er). Think Ill pack my gym bag and go after work do some cardio to help get back into the swing of things.

World of Work

Dispite passing out and throwing up in front of my boss somehow my dad managed to secure a part time job with my company. Fortunatly we dont have to work together for the forseeable to be honest I seriously doubt I will ever work on any other project again.

Its good for him to get some work to me it was a sign of how messed up the world is that someone so intellegnet can be left on the sidelines. It was a strange feeling though hearing him talking about my collegues he met and will be working with. About some of the work I have discussed or heard being discuessed. For the moment I guess Ill just have to reserve judgment and hope he enjoys it.

I have Japanese class tonight I am a little bit worried having missed the last two ones I went through the notes with Phil and hopefully I will be able to pick up what I have missed. I was chatting to some random Lituanian girl last night she seemed to think Japanese was the most pointless langauge to learn, I disagree its still the worlds second largest economy and culturally interesting place. Plus if I can learn Japanese I can learn any language.

I wish my parents would finish up decoating already its been over 6 mnoths since I have a lounge or a tv we can use the heating because there are so many radiators disconnected and its getting colder here.

How to dismantle an atomic bomb

Just in case you are ever in a situation in which you need to dismantle and atomic bomb

A quiet drink with Ian

Clearly there is no such thing, as a quiet drink when Ian is involved. Sunday night and Ian tempts me out. Instead of being smart, taking it easy and getting to bed I drank sambuka beer vodka.
It was actually quiet fun but I feel like I could die this morning.

Have a cigar

I am listening to Pink Floyd whilst I do a few little bits to my site I have been meaning to do forever but never got around to. Firstly I have tried to move all the older photo galleries so everything is in coppermine rather than in the old web gen albums I used to use. Its incredibly tedious but it is weird to see some of the old photos I have my camera for 4 years now quiet weird I remember so vividly the excitment of buying it I have wnated one for so long. Now its old and I am usually slightly ashamed at how big and clunky it looks but regardless I have taken some great shots.

Last night I went round to Bergers house to play monopoly and drink beer. As usual I felt like I was being constantly analysed by Holly, I also feel that she draws far too many conclusion quickly. Yes I like games I get excited to win does that say a lot about me? I think not really competition is natural in a darwinian being such as we are does it say something deep about my soul I am sure you could drawn a lot of conclusion some true some not the trouble with people is dispite all we know we are unpredicatble things at the best of times.

I miss Maia terribly miss the ability to sit and chat for hours to feel totally at peace. Her ability to keep me completly abosrbed whilst she talked, I wonder constantly what would have happened if things had been different if I had gone out to see her sooner? Would I be like her Italian is to her now? Or did we get on so well because I didnt push a romantic connection. Of course its impossible to know and I can only drive myself insane with the questioning. I need to forget and move on stop chasing such impossible and idealised dreams.

Lethargy

Since arriving back in the UK I feel like I have been in a daze. I still have a virus and I haven't been able to sleep well, too much on my mind maybe?

Last night I stayed in and watched some movies (Syriana very good and Clerks excellent). Phil joined me, we sat watching films drinking vodka and juice. Then chatted about life love and our lives I'm sure it was quiet deep only I cant remember due to excess alcohol consumption.

Today I tried to catch up on my Japanese easier said than done, I need to learn the whole Katakana alphabet. Katakana is the Japanese alphabet use to write foreign words its the easiest of Japans three alphabets. To learn it for Tuesday is a bit ask, but after missing two lessons I feel I need to put a lot of effort in to get back to speed.

Martin popped over he has bought himself a Jeep Cheroke 4x4 its big black and very very Martin! He took me out for a ride in it. The ride was very comfortable and it certainly has all mod cons. I can see why he likes it, I still think I would prefer a sports car though.

I'm off round to Jo B's hours to play monopoly and drink beer what a rock and roll lifestyle I lead.

Leaving Minsk Behind

The days had flown by I woke up early a little hung over from last night, but the worst feeling was the trip being nearly over. I went down to breakfast many thoughts whirling around my head.

I met Maia early so I could grab some presents for the folks back home, I felt a little hung over from the night before and worried about leaving.

We went to the market and I bought some Matryoshka (Russian Dolls) for my parents Phil Bruce and everyone. We went for a final coffee in London (a nice little coffee bar) and walked back to the hotel I found it hard to speak there was so much I wanted to say but it all ended up unsaid. I checked out and we rode into a taxi she joined me till the edge of the city where her home is.

I hugged her goodby a tear in my eye, she got out and I watched her walk away as the taxi sped off. Another couple of hours I was flying out of Belarus back to warsaw a five hour wait for a plain to the UK. I ended up having to throw away the $6 Vodka I bought but managed to bring Ian some cheap fags (only $16).

On the plain home the first song that came on my i-pod was one of Paul's "Until Your Home" one lyric stood out to me "it aint a lonely life if you find somebody right" I couldn't help feeling maybe I had but I was leaving her behind.

I'll never forget my holiday to a country where people earn $100 a month, worry about going hungry not about what car they drive.
The cleanest country I have ever seen with its huge streets, imposing structures, military on the streets, strange laws with friendly people, but no English.

Minsk - Day Seven

Last full day in Belarus tomorrow I would be heading back home, I felt pretty sad to be soon leaving time had seemingly flown by since my arrival last Tuesday.
Maia had a lecture in the morning so I went to look around the Great Patritic war monument near to my hotel. I met her at noon and we decided to try and head to the village again as the weather was good, buying some break cheese and ham from the supermarket to have as a picnic we hoped in a taxi and 25 minutes later arrived at the village.

Only one small issue it was closed, Monday is the day when lots of things like the market and the village were closed, oh well third time unlucky. As we already had the food we got back into the taxi headed back to the city and into a different park for a picnic lunch. We even fed the ducks with the crumbs, there werent any Swans though.

Emotions were high and we chatted for hour Maia told me so much about herself and her life I felt so close to her in these moment I just wanted to reach out to her but then part of what she was telling me was the love for her boyfriend so I just sat listened and told some of my stories.

In the evening we went out to the same bar from the first night, I ate caviar for the first time, it was pretty tasty thought a little salty. Guila and Andre met us for a couple of drinks even though they were both feeling ill, very good of them. A Croation friend of Maia's also joined us for a drink.
In the taxi home I hekd her hand and wondered how I could leave this person to whom I had become so close to behind.

Dacha - Day 6

I slept pretty well must have been the vodka, though Maia did keep me awake a while constantly texting her Italian man.
Breakfast was a salami and cheese toasty, very tasty, Maia and I were up hours before Andre and Guila slept in a bit. Maia and I cleared up the Datcha and chatted a little. It was a day to move slow, enjoy the sun pack up and head out for the bus.

We managed to catch an auto taxi on the way back it was actually slightly cheaper though it dropped us off on the outskirts of town. Maia and I said goodbye to Andre and Guila and walked off in search of the city proper.

Walking for miles past though city kind of lost but having a snese of purpose we finally came to a place Maia recognised (it had a McDonalds of all things!). We then headed to the library passing the Childrens railway station on the way; a mini railway run by children. Finally we reached the library again I was itching to take some photos, last time my camera had run out of juice.

Maia was dead tired so I grabbed a taxi and went back to the hotel, going to the Datcha and meeting her friends had been a real treat. The Datcha was one of the most peaceful places I have ever been to out in the country surrounded by forest and fields. This was definatly a high point of the trip.

I used this evening to finally finish war and peace! Hurrah I dont think I have ever had to work so hard to finish a book, the characters are so well done but some of the descriptions and Tolstoys historical pespectives can be so dry and difficult bits were a real challenge.

Dacha - Day 5

Today was the earliest meeting for myself and Maia, though she had a problem and was a little late we had to grab a taxi to get to the bus station on time.
The bus station was my first opportunity to meet Maia's friend Gulia's and her boyfriend Andre. We then had a very crowded bus journey out into the wild of Belarus during which I gave up my seat to an old chap and then was shouted at in Russian by some old women. Guila and Maia were laughing becuase they shouted in Russian but I knew that they wanted me to go take a seat.
The auto bus took about 45 minutes to get to our stop we then had a three kilometer walk to the Dacha itself.

On arrival Maia went into cleaning mode whilst I attempted to help Andre chop some wood,. I am afriad I wasnt a very good lumberman. Luckly Andre was excellent splitting the logs seemingly effortlessly.

Maia and her family have tended to leave all there old clothes at the Dacha. So she had me try on some of her dads old clothes including his tank ommander coat.

Lunch consisted of Maia tasty home made Ravioli and vegitables. It was really nice and afterwards we sat out chatting in the garden for a while, cut a bit more wood, then I helped Maia do dinner by pealing loads of potatoes.

Andre cooked the meat on the bbq whilst Maia made the potatoes and salad, I got to light the Camin (fire) and stop the cabin burning down as it spat out sparks!
Dinner was lovely hot pork nice potatoes and even some home grown tomatoes. After dinner Andre adn Guila entertained us by singing songs (unfortunatly all in Russian or French but they sounded good he played very well).

Whilst he played we drank first beer then vodka, apparently the way to drink vodka is to have a small glass of vodka neat and a glass of juice (or beer if your hardcore). Drink the vodka in one then sip the juice (and pour another vodka).

Minsk - Day Four

Friday already the week was flying by, after a good night sleep I was feeling better but still not back to full health (In truth now back in the UK I still cant shake this nasty virus). The plan today was to try and visit the traditional village we were origonally meant to goto yesterday. However I was Running short of cash and needed to change some travellers cheuqes. Our first mistake was to jump onto the first passing auto taxi (kind of like a private bus) which dropped us off on futher out of the city.

There was only one back here a large Belarus Bank, which turned out to be well a little bit of a problem. First thing this largest bank was busy and operated a rather confusing ticket system thought this wasnt in any way clear even to Maia. WHen we finally got our number called the cashere seemed very confused she had never seen either travellers cheques or a european style passport, It took over an hour to explain, wait and finally recieve my cash (minus 1% unlike Minsk Transit Bank which took nothing). All told finding a bank and waiting for the cash took so long we decied to leave the village trip as Maias friend Anton a DJ on radio BA wanted me to record some English jingles for him.

Radio BA is located above a club Anton gave me a guided tour of the place he seemed like a really fun guy I could see why Maia likes him so much. noticed he was running Mac OSX on a beige box pc ;) After the tour I got ushered into a little sound booth and had to read off a list of phrases for the show punctuated by Anton asking for more emotion or extra emphasis on words. I still hd a cold so I am not sure whether they eventual sounds will be good enough to use but it was fun anyway. It was a pretty strange feeling to stand in a room reading into a microphone.

Maia had booked tickets to see a film (in English fortunatly). At first I thought it was a pretty ordinatry thing to do however Russian cinemas are a bit different, firstly it was the cleanest cinema I have ever been into but some considrerable margin. Secondly there were no popcorn not drinks vending just a screen and a chair.
The film itself Tideland was about Jeliza-Rose the daughter of a drug addicted father who moves to the country after an overdose leads death of her mother. It was incredibly dark but told through her childlike observations to take some of the egde off. Maia squirmed her way through several sections of the film.

After the film we grabbed some dinner and then did some late night shopping for our weekend at the Dacha. Shopping was a real eye opener the supermarker was very different to a English one. You had to pay for meat at the meat counter they wouldnt slice anything for us. We bought vodka, beer, tomatoes, meat, bread and some other bits and pieces.

Another early night in preperation for the Dacha tomorrow.

Minsk - Day Three

The origonal plan for Thursday had been to set off to see a traditional Belarusian village, kind of like an open air musium to traditional peasent life. Unfortunatly I was still feeling out of sorts and the weather didnt look too promising. So we decided to stay inside the city and explor some more.

First place we visited was a Russian market there was a lot of artwork icons and dolls. Next stop was the musium of the great patriotic war (WWW II to you and me). The musium like a lot of places in Belarus there is a different price for residents than for tourists.

The first thing to notice is that the Russians date the war from 41-45 not 39-45 as we westerners do because Hitler and Stalin signed a non agression pact which Hitler promptly broke in 1941.
Belarus had it pretty hard the Nazis did not like Communists and totally flattered Minsk and attempted to exterminate as many of its people as possible (probably about 1million people). Their hatred was directed mainly at the non airian population they wanted to save the nordic looking to help futher the master race. All in all it walking about I saw the Russians have a very different war then the one fought in the west.

After the musium went for a bite to eat then off for a look round the Botanical gardens, I was a bit heistant but actully enjoyed strolling around with Maia. We sat for a long time next to the lake there watching the Swans and chatting about things.

On the way out we went the wrong way and found ourselves in the amusement park next door. I found out that Pancakes with filings are a common (and tasty) Belarusian meal. Maia insited on feeding me more medication including rather disgusting cough syrup. Watching the Russian school children file through the park I could have been anywhere in the wetern world on the terrible russian techno pumping from one of the cafes reminded me I was in Belarus.

We made a quiet trip to the bus station to buy the tickets for the Dacha trip and I got a chance to see the Belarus staggering national library. Its simply increadible, ugly and imposing over the ladnscape it boggles the mind as to why! Dispite being a university professor and having had to make a donation towards it Maia had never been inside. Seems like a giant waste of money to me.

Thanks to the fact I was still feeling ill and wanted to get well in time for the weekend trip to Maia Dacha after grabbing a coffee I headed back to the hotel for an early night.

Minsk Photos

Belarus Photo Gallery

Minsk - Day Two

I woke up feeling terrible, not just from the drinking last night that was just the tip of the iceberg. The cold and sore throat I had felt on yesterday was now much worse, I was running a temperature my throat felt sore. I was generally feeling sorry for myself. Maia was working in the moring and though I had intended to sleep in I couldn't stay in my room. I needed to get out and see something so I walked round the old town and the river to kill time whilst Maia was lecturing; She is a lecturer of Italian at the univeristy.

Fortunatly when she arrived Maia came to my resque again she pumped me full of Russian medication (available over the counter nothing dodgy!). We spent the afternoon mooching about Minsk various parks and looking at some of the buildings there. It was really a day of exploration Minsk is phonominally different to any city I have been to before. Totally demolished after WWII the Soviets rebuilt it making the roads three times as wide, huge pavements and massive parks so big that whilst in the city allow you to feel like your in the country, yet are still stood right in the centre. I forget the names but we saw quiet a few.

One of the parks was a park dedicated to Kids in which Maia couldn't smoke but one great thing we could do was go on some rides. Now I felt pretty ill and these were Belarussian rides they didnt look particuarly well maintained but what the hell nothing ventured so we went on a couple. Maia screemed on the teacups, but that was nothing compared to one Belarussian girl who was so afraid she clung to a nearby tree rather than get on a spinning ride! Her friend and the attendant laughed loudly at her but she didnt budge until the ride was over.

After an afternoon of wondering we went to the Circus which was really good fun. I have never been to a circus before this one wasnt the standard Minsk one but a travelling Russian show from Moscow. They had clowns, dancers, trapez artists bears, and even trained dogs. It was really good fun I am glad Maia took me, I even managed to get a photo of myself with a bear. Ill scan it in when it arrives Maia txted me this morning to say she had recieved and forwarded it on. To be honest the treatment of the bears was not very good certainly the dogs got treated a lot better I felt very sorry for them though I enjoyed seeing them.

Note to the anonymous poster

Many thanks for the comment I am really pleased you enjoyed reading my blog.

Minsk - Day one

Waking up has never come easy for me, so having to wake up at 4am to catch a 6am flight was hard, very hard.

To be honest I was totally afraid. I wasn't sure what to expect, I guy from the travel company was ment to meet me at Minsk 2 airport other than that I was on my own. The journey to Warsaw passed in a sleepy trance and after an hours wait I was on my way to Belarus. It was only a hours flight which passed pretty quick though I did get a little worried that the pilot annonced we were about to land and all I could see were trees no airport or civilisaion at all. Minsk 2 aiport was the pits, it was really hard to understand where to go as there were no signs and you arrive into the departure lounge and have to march down a different set of stairs, if you got the wrong way scary looking Russian people shout at you. I know becoause I was one of the first (there were not many of us) off the plain and not knowing where to go went wrong.

Passport control was harsh it seemed to take forever I dont know what the women was doing but it seemed important she took many long hard looks at me asked somenthing in Russian seemed very upset I didn't understand and answered in English. After about 10 minutes I was let thought only to have to go through a security point to leave the airport! Then one of the best moments of the trip after all the worry over whether she would turn up my friend Maia was waiting for me in the arrivals lounge. along with Alex from the travel company.

Alex drove the 40km to Minsk dropped us off at the hotel. Maia and I then went walking about the city. She showed me the old town and Afgahanistan memorial. Its a memorial to the mothers of soldiers lost in the Afgahnistan war, its a favorite stop for newly weds to put down some flowers and to touch one of the statues, we even saw one newly married couple heading there. I was like a kid wowed by all the different sights around me. Riding along an almost empty motorway passing forest and villages totally unlike anything I have seen before.

In the evening we went out to a bar I got rather drunk on Russian beer and listened to a rather strnage cover band, there were good musicians but had a tendancy to play a really uptempo song followed by a real downer! Strange Strange Strange!

From (Bela)Russia With Love

For all of you that care I made it back from my trip, and had an excellent time to boot I will be posting the details and some photos soon keep posted.

Not long now

I hate shopping for clothes mainly because I seem to be the wrong shape / size for most items. However things have gotton so bad recently I have had no choice but to force myself to spend the weekend on a shopping excursion. I managed to get some new jeans, shoes and a couple of new tops which is quiet a decent record for me really.
I only have one more day before I fly out to Minsk, I am both excited and worried. A guy from the travel company is going to meet me at the airport which is nice but only because I owe him money. I have been unbable to buy currency in this country so am having to take cash and travellers cheques to change to Roubles out there.
I went out with Ian last night he seems happier now less dark looking at all th nice ladies in the rectory.

Wires

You know some days when you start a five minute job and that five minutes ends up being more like 5 hours? This morning my dad asked me to help him change some broken mains socket faceplates, given last night my mac died for no apparent reason the augurs were not so good for doing electrical work. However prompted thanks to the shoddy work by one of the electrictions. Whom had put a socket protruding about two inches from the wall, nice just what you need to trip over. Our idea was to recess this so out came the tools. We soon found we didn't have a decent small screw driver and we needed an extra socket so we went to B&Q braving the mass crowds we got some supplies and a new screwdriver.
We got home to find one of the back plates was wrong, played merrygo round moving facplates to try if different combinations would would getting more and more frustrated. One of the sockets had shorted and been melting on the indside so we were lucky to change it.
I dont know what was worse the frustration of the task, my dads annoying comments or my mum repeating "theres no such thing as a short task" over and over again.
All was well in the end though got all of them replaced just took way too long.

Dead Mac

I got home from the pub tonight and my powerbook was making horrible sounds. At first I thought I was just drunk and disorderly but then I relised instead of OSX I just had a picture of an OS9 smily face oh dear. Rebooting didnt help when it came back on sounded like an angle grinder. This can mean only one thing a totally dead hard drive yikes. Fortunatly I bought a removable disk the other day and back it up, unfortunatly the 5 songs I got off Itunes for free using my free coke music tokens were not backed up so wil have to be rebought :(

Visa

Now I have an offical tourist visa I am actually getting quiet excited about my impending trip, this time next week I will be in Minsk hopfully enjoying myself relaxing eating and drinking too much wondering around the parks and city.
To be honest I am totally afraid what will it be like in a country surrounded by non English speakers on my own will I rise to the occasion or sink without a trace?

Easy Peasy Japanesy

Had my first Japanese class tongith, I now know the numbers 1-10 in Japanese hurrah, however I feel that I might have bitten off more than I can chew especially as I will miss the next too lessons :S
E mi the Japanese girl taking the class seems exreamly polite and good tempered she did move on at a fair pace thought I am not sure I quiet took in all that was going on.
I will be in Belorus for the next two classes though I am going to have to rely on Philip to help me get upto speed, and on my own determination to succeed, I am doomed!
Japanese seems especially hard not only is their alphabet nothing like the latin one they also have three alphabets. We are starting with Katakana the alphabet used to describe all things forign (to Japan). I learned how to write my name though I doubt I will remember for long without practise.
Caught up with Ian and Danny at the rectory for a quiet drink Danny has replaced Lynne with a girl from Liverpool, which is good.
Ian is doing a brisk business by the sounds of it weird thing was I was the only person of Phil Ian dan and myself who isnt self employed, am I not doing as well, should I look to work with Phil or move on try and get somethign else. Its just so difficult I dont really know what is best, its easy to leave a job only to find myslef in a worse position or back on the dole queue. That wasnt fun at all.
Plus its not like my dad got anywhere trying to do his own thing he spent a fortune on stuff to get going and just flushed it down the toilet.

Fade out

Had an argument probably final with one of my MSN buddies; She took issue with my negative view of the world, I cant seem to help it I have felt sad for so long I am not sure even what happiness it. Even in moment of fun and games surrounded by friends I can feel alone. Its not that I dont know how to smile it just I think the world is horrible most people dont seem to be worth knowing and it all brings me down I cant put a brave face on I can only ever be me alone unwanted trying to lead a moral life in a sea of apathetic people.
Tonight I found out that the postal service dont have a record to say my passport and visa application was delivered there is less than a week to go I am going to have to make some frantic phone calls tomorrow t make things work out and there might not be a way :S It makes me feel sick to think about it all the pain to get things organized to do undone by the loss of my passport.
I went out for a drink with Phil tonight typically Claire was in the unicorn I cant ever seem to get free I should go somewhere else I shouldnt still feel anything I should have moved on a long time ago and in most ways I have yet she hurt me in a way no-one else ever has and that marked the point from which my love life has yet to recover. Since her I have has a few trysts, Nikkie, Liz, Lynne, and Janice. Yet none of them burned such an indelible and negative image on me. Perhaps I am just destined to be alone to always desire and yet never to fulfill those desires.
Yes I know who wants to go out with an overweight depressive like me, but yet I can be more am more I just need to cut away this cancer this malaise which pulls me back.
Its my first Japanese lesson tomorrow Lulu was most upset when I told her I think she would prefer me to learn anything but, however it dosnt change my desire to visit China before returning to Japan, who knows where life will lead perhaps Ill change perhaps i wont even so the world will keep turning the sun will still burn and life will go on.
Goodnight

Ouch

I cleaned out the fish last night removed some of the algea which has been building up since the algea eating catfish died I hadnt realised how much of a difference he made but now the tank is furring up fast. I hae bought a scraper to clear off some of the excess algea and amanged to remove some. The plants have been breeding and there were quiet a few floating child plants I started planting these the oscars decided my arm looked like a tasty treat and one of them bit a chunk out it hurt and I quickly pulled my arm out bashing my elbow on the corner of the tank as I did so. Being bitten was more shocking than painful but smakshing my elbow into the cornerof a glass tank well that fucking mega hurts!
Spoke to Liz last night she thinks the quailty of my blog has declined marked recently and I cant say I arguewith that particularly I feel a lot like I write the same thing over and over. Perhaps its bause I keep repeating the same mistakes or I am too afriad to move on with m life. It seems every choice I make is wrong and I doomed forever to waste away my days trapped in a cycle of decline. I hope one day to find a purpose some relife from all this, this life, this pain, this nothing.

Laugh at the Legion again

Ah as autumn approaches the monthly comedy nights have returned to the legion after there Summer hiatus. Its always a fun evening cheap beer an easy stroll home and usually some decent comedians. Last night was no exception after gorging ourselves on a takeaway curry myself Bruce and Phil popped down. Nick, Becs Martin Charlotte and Endo were also out. The comedians were not bad especially the compare Danny McGinlay, and the final act Rhodri Rhys. Martin preferred northern comedian Ruth White I guess its all a matter of taste. Martin has certainly mellowed out a lot since taking up with Charlotte he has gone from complaining about peoples public affection to being part of one of those sickly couple hand-holidng couples whom particularly offend singletons like myself. I was pretty tired and overful so made an earlyish exit after the last act.

Late nights and early mornings

I had to go in to work early this morning to implement a software upgrade, so I had quiet a conservative evening last night. It was still pretty fun though, started by collecting a very drunk Phil. He has gone out to Manchester to celbrate his last day of work, from now on he is self employed.
Next stop was Macclesfield to meet up with Ian Paul and Wooler, we met them in Weatherspoon, they were drunk already so Phil fitted in well. Everyone was in high spirits dispite the rather agressive people sat behind us whom seemed to be spoiling for a fight. Especially with there cheap and dangerous women flirting with some other guys who were there.
Next stop was Barracuda bar, this was a much nicer place though did they really need the airport style security and is they was the scanner work in line with the data protection act?
Barracuda is a South African style theme bar it was pretty modern and nice there were certaintly a lot of nice looking women. Ian exained the dancefloor and on his return accidently knocked over the pint of someone twice his size oops. Fortunatly he was nice enough not to make a fuss. Ian pulled the same trick demolishing someones pint when he went to the toliet as well oops.
We chatted and they drank some more I was sober so the jokes started wearing a little thin, I wish I had stayed this way last time I went out with him.
Unfortunatly I already felt tired so I left about 11.30 took Phil with me he was still very drunk dispite being on cola since I picked him up. I grabbed a relativly early night in order to get up at 6am and get into work in order to get a software release out before 9am. It actually went very well and I was finished a little after 10 (had a couple of hours of testing after the release).
This afternoon I am off to the other server to grab a full backup.

-VE energy

A philosopher called Carl Hempel showed that by manipulating the logical statement "all ravens are black", you could derive the equivalent “all non-black objects are non-ravens”. Thus is the basis for a new form of database. I am not 100% sure I really follow the concept entirley, but it is an interesting one the idea that you could have a dataset with no data which you would use to test the validity of the query itself. Intreresting the human body uses a sort of negative database the immune system knows everything that is part of the body and therefore self and therefore everything that is not self should be destroyed.

From one weird concept to another last night I watched 911 loose change which is a documentary presenting an alternative version of the events of 911. When looked at in a different light there are a number of things that are very strange, especially surrounding the collision with the Pentagon and the missing gold from under the trade centre. I would definatly recommend a viewing.

The Eraser

My parents were away so it was kind of strang arriving home fromthe gym last night to an empty house, my catr kept my busy though he was in and out and pining for my mum who usually looks after him. He also woke me up at 4am this morning which didnt put me into the best of moods.

Bruce popped over last night we were going to watch a film but he brought the wrong hard drive round so instead we ended up a the pub with Nick and Becky. This wasnt all too bad really Becky was tormenting Nick as usual and looking forward to their upcoming Moldive holiday.

Arctic Monkeys won the mercury music prize a fact which galls me slightly I thought it was time Thom got some recognition form the judges, FFS Roni size was given the award the year OK Computer was up what a traversty.

Life Long learning

Had a crap day today things seem to be going round in circles at work, this evening though Phil and I went to sign up for some adult education. The last couple of years have been the first time in my life I havent been activly learning anything and I have always wanted to learn a langauge. Phil has become obsessed with Japan thanks to his addiction to Akido and as I thought it would be more fun to go to a class with someone I know rather than on my own I found myself signing up to Beginning Japanese. Starts next tuesday, the little Japanese girl that will be the teacher seemed to be nice enough so hopefully it wont be like the terrible langauge lessons I had at school which totally turned me off French and German.

Live tonight at the Retro Bar

Manged to make it to the gym yesterday hough it my have been a mistak im aching again today, I also drank too much again last night when will I learn!
Phil and I went out to Retro Bar in Manchester to listen to some band of whom the bass player was a student of Bergers, in fact a lot of people there seem to be students of bergers. I dont know what the band was called they were pretty good thought in fact there were at least 3 good bands hoever the last one were so awful phil and I walked out our ears needed peace.
It was only 10pm so but we didnt feel like going anywhere else in Manchester and headed for home stoppping at the unicorn for a few more beers (for myself Phils was driving). Julie has bought herself a new car and she was really excited telling us about it.

Jet 2

Wow coke have a promotion get a free itunes song on 2 litre bottles of coke (which my dad and I drink like its going out of fashion) hurrah! They were on offer as well double hurrah.
After feeling sorry for myself most of yesterday playing counter strike and reading the latest economist I was feeling well enough to go out for a couple of drinks with Becky Nick and Ian. Ian had recovered better than me and was in fine spirits, we sat in the rectory beer garden slowly freezing in order to check out the women much to Becky's chagrin. I do of course remember her from her pre Nick days in her more provocative dressing. The upstairs bit of the Rectory was closed off because they were having a corporate event for Jet 2, one of the barmaids (the cute polish one) made a tie out of the immense receipt.
Bruce and Phil joined us as well for drinks chat and fun I had a few drinks but managed not to disgrace myself which is a bonus. I think Ill go to the gym in a couple of hours but first I am going to read a few more chapters of War and peace, its really hard going at the moment lots of description of battles and military goings on, personally I feel Tolstoy is better at working with characters rather than discussing historical events however its good stuff just dense.

The one with the riot

The rain hammering on my rooftop woke me up this morning, the sound was matched by the hammering in my head. Last night was a strange evening and as usual my response we to drink too much, oh well.
It all started nicely enough, I had done an early morning at work to roll out a software release (the most successful this year I think). I got my papers from Smok travel for my visa, so I went to the post office to get it all sent off. It actully was quiet annoying you can only pay for a visa by postal order I didnt realise you can only pay for postal orders with cash, not cards so I had waited in a queue for 20 minutes only to have to leave the postoffice get cash return to the post ofice queue again :S
A quick gym soon soothed the tension away though, I did a cardio session I was a little achy from the weights I did last night so it was hard going but I managd an hour on various machines.
Berger decided to drive, he picked up myself, Ian and Phil at 8. We headed to the John Millington in Cheadle Hulme for a few warm up beers, sitting outside in the darkening evening we chattered about life caught up on things. Generally though we avoided talking about Faye, I told everyone about my experience in arranging a visa to get the Republic of Belarus. We had a few drinks a few laugh but the crowd in the Millington was older and we needed a change so we headed out to Withington.
This was where the night suddenly started to go dark so times in life you turn a corner metaphorically suddenly finding things change last night we drove round a corner into the middle of a riot. I don't know why they were fighting but I watched a tall guy throw a teen on the floor and start pummelling him. Other guys and girls wee fighting and pushing it was horrible. We all jumped out of the car and tried to break it up. The older lads saw us and jumped back into the car Ian called the police. The police fortunately were at the scene quickly. Unfortunately one of the protagonists mistook me for a guy who had attacked him his head was bleeding and I don't think he really knew what was going on. So my shirt got covered in someone else blood, really nice.
Fortunately Berger had a spare in his car, it was a bit big on me because Jo is so much taller. Next stop was Withington we drank some more stood outside Dave and Clare rolled up we chatted to them I got quit drunk and morose I don't know if it was the fighting or the place. I don't know what time it was but we left went and got a kebab (oops what happened to the diet) and some more beer from Tesco. Berger dropped us of at my house where we ate and drank some more. Phil and Jo left Ian stayed telling me all bout the Faye situation it was horrible there wasn't much I could say and I was so drunk. I think he just wanted to get some of it out there, I can&pos;t believe either she or people like Phil P could be so deceitful.

Long Weekend

This morning I was in London hung over wondering how much a fool of myself I made last night. Now I am back in my own home enjoying a cold beer I feel much better. It has been a strange weekend, after a rather harsh day at work on Friday (harsh week to be honest but that's another story) I headed out on the M6 south. Through torrential rain hard enough that I could barely see the road, two sets of 50 mph speed limits (I should have taken the toll road and did on the way back). I arrived at Paul's about 10 and we went out for a few drinks at the star and garter. The conversation was mainly focussed on catching up with our various goings on I complement Paul on his new song Its Over Now he told me about Ian, Dan and his life. I told him what was going on with me we had a few drinks, Pippa stayed at the flat. I thought it was really nice gesture letting us catch up with each others goings on.

On Saturday my first job was to help Paul sort his lights out; At some point there had been a wasp nest in his attic, some of the wasps got trapped in the light fittings (those flush fitted spots) so that when you pull out a bulb to put in a new light several dead carbonized wasp bodies fallout. Paul being a wuss he has let virtually all of the bulbs in the flat died before doing anything about it. I don't like wasps very much but when they are dead its ok so I pulled all the bulbs out and vacuumed out the bodies. This done we went out on a mission to buy some new bulbs. Whilst out we spent the time shopping browsing Fopp and various video game shops, Paul and Pippa have bought a Nintendo game cube that seems to have become something of an obsession to Paul.

The plan for Saturday night was meant to be; watch the 'X-Factor'; and ';How do you solve a problem like Maria' TV shows then go out for some drinks. Paul made us a lovely Thai curry for dinner whilst Pippa and I watched TV. After the shows though we kind of acquiesced and started watching Twin Peaks. Pippa seemed to go suddenly withdrawn then got upset, I think homesickness perhaps, it got quiet dark so she went to bed, Paul and I watched Muse and a few other acts from the Reading / Leeds festival.

Next morning Pippa still seemed withdrawn she got angry at Paul because he was playing computer games and ignoring her. I felt terribly awkward I didn't know what to do or say. Fortunately, the promise of going home cheered her up.

I drove to Pippas house in London, it wasn't actually too bad to get too, the house was gorgeous. Pippa visibly cheered up on arriving home, she happily gave me a tour, I was very impressed.

Paul and I went to the pub for an early drink and chat. The plan was for Pippa and her friend Lenia to meet us there later. We drank chatted drank some more. Pippa and Lenia arrived and we went to another pub to play pool, though we never actually made is to a pool hall. On the way one of the girls needed a bathroom break so we stoped off at a bar, decided to have one drink then ended up staying there. Paul and I carried on drinking I suggested we stoop Paul agreed, then went and bought another round!

After a couple of rounds in the bar another of Pippa's friends, Katie and some lads joined us. One of whom seemed a cool guy the other I could quiet happily have beaten to a bloody pulp. Unfortunately, in my usual style I carried on drinking like a trooper too fast too much and without dinner a recipe for disaster I held it together until we went back to Pippa's at about 11 (I had been drinking since 5 with the first Leffe at Pippa's house). I was ok for a few minutes then I realised how much more drunk than everyone else I was. This was not good Paul had retired to bed too drunk to go on. I felt out of place not being great with new people when sober never mind when off my face I tried my best then bombed out.

I woke up this morning at 7am with my head pounding, mouth dry and foul tasting, stewing in a borrowed sleeping bag. Added to all this was a feeling of total embarrassment. I lay there for a couple of hours longer until Paul woke me. In complete contrast to Sunday morning Pippa was dancing round the house happy and light I felt like I wanted to die, forced down breakfast jumped in the car and drove to Leamington. Paul and I had a good chat in the car I felt much better on the road with the aircon cooling me down and breakfast soaking up the beer.

Back at Paul's we played enough Simpson's to complete a load more missions had dinner then I headed for home. All in all a great weekend, I need my own place, the freedom, and the ability to omit to tell people that I live with my parents would be wonderful.

My god what a genius film the weatherman, I have been watching it whilst typing out this post and chatting to Phil on msn. I can empathise so closely with Nicolas Cage's character, the feeling of not living up to my dad, of being a fuckup. Mind you I wish had his success. Haha I always want more!

Another Day

Work has been hell recently truly I have never been hit for so many things all priorities at once, somehow though I am acheiving less than ever before all the jobs are more tricky beyond my abilities or am so demotivated I can no longer perform or in the past things were too easy. I am not sure the true answers I just know how I eel and at the moment that is not good. I am starting to become the person I always wanted to avoid work focussed manic with no real life; people ask me what I have been doing and aside rom work and trips to the pub what is that exactly?
Suprisingly tonight I went for a few drinks with B and P and Endo it was nice even had a completly civil chat with Julie shes buying a Puma.
I am about two thirds through war and peace now its getting really interesting Napolean is invading Russian making the same mistake as Alexander the Great (and Hitler) charging into Russian in the winter. bad move.
I still hve no idea about what to do about my holidays I havent even been away this year I am wasting my life away working for others and getting no benifit why? why?
This weekend I am going to see Paul something always fun (unless he is in the process of splitting up with his girlfriend) hopefully that will make me feel better about things. I need some fun I think to break away from the mundain.

Fell on Black Days

Last night went out with Nick Becs and Bruce, we popped to the Thieves for a few quiet drinks Bruce was telling me about his Saturday meet-up with the guys he used to work with and how well Big Matt is doing. He is thinking of going contracting because it seems that's where the money is.
Becs was looking a bit tired apparently her doctor told her to take a week off will hopefully that will sort her out.
Nick was alluding to some problems with Ian and Faye but he wouldn't give a straight answer maybe because Bruce was here or maybe because Becs was or me who knows. Nick was in a good mood I guess his manoeuvring around houses is all working out good luck to him.
The product of me talking to my boss about my dad came off today My dad met Martin in Wilmslow today and we all had a drink together afterwards. Felt very strange I am still not 100% I have done the right thing. Especially weird was sitting in the Rectory with Dad Martin David and Steve.
Called Paul to catch up with him this evening wanted to ask him about my whole trip disaster but it didn':t happen I guess that is one mess for me to work out on my own.
Swapping songs tonight (please don&pos;t sue me bpi i bought two albums today) I sent Phil Fell on Black days he sent me FEAR - Ian Brown it turns out we both already own these songs so no point.
I am now just over half way through War and Peace so far its a very rewarding book the characters are so vivid I want to know what happens next and mad though it is I want to see Russia. I must be mad.

Drunk Machine

My 3 copies of Thom Yorks Harrowdown Hil arrived today, my dad was amazed anyone still pressed vinal.
Made a journel to the trafford centre a complete mistake on a arainy summer day it was so busy we ended up parking in costco (and had a decent lunch for £2). We (Myself Phil and Bruce) went to look round the apple store, it was my first time I have been to the one in London (which is far superior) but this was pretty cool lots of nice macs. When I got home I played some Counter Srike trying to imporve my skill from zero to hero so far more zero but who knows.
This evening watched some old fimls again on sky with Phil whislt downing plently of bottle of beer. We watched Batman returns a classic in my opinion Tim Burton is just such a good director. Also watched Sin City, wow can anyone even come close to the sheer cinematic mastery of that film, the use of light and colour is just genius. The acting is sumblime a truly brillent film.
I have been feeling particuarly alone recently Phil has been out with Mercades, Bruce with Nina, Ians working Paul is in London and Nick is working on his houses. I get the feeling I should be out seeing the world. Tthat omehow my world is getting smaller. Strange Strange :S

EB the furture

After another torrid day at work I was feeling pretty tired but I managed to make it to the gym and work out some of my frustrations. I just about managed a run 7km in 50 minutes not great but not bad (for me).

Met up with Bruce and Berger in the Hesketh Cheadle Hulme. For a while we have been talking about building up the Lan events a bit more so we finally sat down and made up a couple of plans. The consensus was that we could do a larger event maybe up to 50 people but we need first to try and find a new venue and to update our rather creaky website. Bruce is going to have a look at updating the website and we are all going to look for new venues.

I think we might go on a reconnaissance mission to see if we can get any tips from some of the other bigger lan's going on.

Wrong size hole

Finally got the go ahead to pick the we bought off ebay up, two immediate problems the disks are too big stupid tall ones they wont fit in a 1u bay :-S but worse than that we need a special cable as x330s apparently dont have mouse, keyboard or video except using IBMs special cable a quick look shows the cable cost more than the server just for a stupid bit of cable which breaks out the vga, keyboard and mouse :S
Its all very frustrating I am sure eventually I will find way around it but for now the server is sat usless under my desk.

Terminal Tournaments X

The tenth ejected brass was held yesterday it was pretty succsessful we have plenty of people turn up to play. My ex workmate Jon made the trip from Leeds with his Macbook, we couldnt get Windows installed so he ended up sharing my pc. He is a bit of a quake fiend.
The server ran really well after a few tweask even Counter Strike seemed to play ball. Bruce loaned us a Cisco switch and buy did it make a big difference it seemed to handle file transfers a lot better than the 3com. I think we might have to buy one in the long term I m certainly a convert now I have seen real world how well they work.

Crazy Days

UK airports ground to a halt today because of terrorist activity (or at least that is the official line who knows the real truth). Work dosnt change of course, I have had a new guy working with me, he is another veteral programmer slighlty different from the others though as he is from South Africa and unlike a lot of British people I know he is positivly glad to be in the UK. He believes it a better country to be in than the US or SA!
Given the IT manger is also a South African its a veritable take over. We went out for lunch so the new guy (sic) could meet one of the other guys.
This evening i have been trying to do the lan set up, finally got a working version of the quake four patch (thanks to bit torrent see not just for pirate things).

Performanc

Got my investment statment yesterday so far this year the termoil in the markets hasnt made me any richer I am finally in overall profit shacking off my initial huge losses with Aberdeen Technology.
Still overall I would have been better off leaving my money in a savings account, hopefully over a longer term Ill earn a better return here is hoping. I dont think my technology shares will ever make any money they would have to raise 5 times their current rate to even break even! Some hope!
Half of investment is attempting not to be overly speculative the greatest returns offfer the greatest dissapointment when I bought my tech stock you coulnt lose they had been going up for years with no end in sight...
Ho hum lesson learned dont be a sheep, choose for the fundamentals not for what people with vested interest or no skills say.

Your so Cold

I have just watched a Spanish film called 'Live Flesh' based on a Ruth Rendell book, its a Spanish take on the thriller genre. I thought it was quiet good but more for the strong characters than the direction. Centring on the lives of Victor a boy always in a hurry and in the wrong place at the wrong time. The tension is not built very well and it was predictable but still a fresh enough take to be worth a watch.
Today has not been the best day, strange bugs and bad information left me spending most of my day running through different simulations I am still amazed at the number of different ways the standard formulars can be applied. I think I cracked it eventually apart from one small issue ill integrat tomorrow. Spoke to one of my collegues he is working full time on another project so it looks like the end of my experiment working on the web stuff I think Ill be stuck forever unless I branch out into something new. Nick thinks I should take the exams and become a broker myself. Its all courses and fees though most of the time I feel o tired I can barly concentrate. My eyes are so sore I need to see the doctor really it must be an infection, Ill find time one day.

Different World

It has been a long day. I spent the morning playing counter strike getting in some practise before next weeks lan bash, this afternoon went swimming then out with Nick and Becky for dinner.
We went to the Leigh Arms in Prestbury near to where Becky lives. Prestbury is a very well to do town nestled away near to Macclesfield, home to company directors and footballers. I was a bit a a annoying evening for various reasons firstly I knew there was a bank in the town centre and I assumed incorrectly that the bank (there actually turned out to be two) would have a cash machine it didn't. Also my phone didn't work anywhere in the centre there is some sort of historic thing going on I guess mobile phones masts and cash machines are too modern.
Nick and Becky arrived only 10 minutes late not bad for a Brook, and the meal was excellent we chose from the bar menu and sat it there. I had fish an chips they were good however nicks bangers and mash looked fantastic.
We chattered about this and that the goings on in Lebanon, Nicks houses and Becky's horses but I couldn't help the feeling its a world I just don't belong to. I'm just a pleb, I don't even have a partner I have to work twice as hard to keep up the conversation. I don't have a rich family and I will probably never haven anything like wealth like the sort of people sat around me. Oh well back to work tomorrow at least I am honest and have integrity.
Bruce was meant to meet us at the pub but because I was in a hurry the couldn&pos;t get any reception on my phone he ended up at the wrong Leigh arms and I had two peeved messages on my phone when I returned to an area of coverage, oops!

Where is the world going

Just read a link posted by Thom York Harsh images, the middle east is a powder keg, there are all sorts of conflicting forces. Emotional (hate, desire, love, patriotism), religion, power, money influence. I think that both sides are ruthlessly using the media; the question is what will happen next are we tumbling towards a new era of conflict? How can Iraq or Afghanistan move on while wars rage on with the neighbours? Whilst Israelis have a right to defend themselves pictures of blown up children only promote the cause of Hezbollah. It all makes me sad but then there are a lot of people exploiting this confluct for their own ends and profiting from danger. I hope that a way past this can be found...

Hurrah for hot water

Since the DIY disaster of a few weeks ago I have had no hot water the heating never got reactivated after we accidently loosed off a few litres of it into my face.
This week the house has been upside down whilst some workmen from Saddleworth installed new radiators and a new boiler. It a modern condensing combination jobs so we dont have a huge water tank in the attic anymore. Also the back boiler from the fire is going to be ripped out too. Hopefully this well mean this winter I wont need electric heaters to stop myself freezing to death.
In other news Phil told me that he has handed in his resignation today he is going to start his own business providing IT support to small companies. I wish him good luck on his new venture he hasnt been too happy where he has been working for a while.

White

Last night I watched the Three colours white the second part of the trilogy to me is was probably the weakest of the three films on the theme of fidelity Karol a poilish imigrant in France is divorced by his wife and falls down on his luck saved and helped to return to Poland by a fellow Pole. Karol decided to improve his lot in order to seek revenge and win back his wife. Its all pretty complex the relationship between Karol and Michojev I found more interesting than that with his wife. It was well shot and interesting to watch well worth a viewing as long as you dont mind subtitles.
I might have set in motion something bad, yesterday I had a meeting with my boss Martin it was pretty fruitful in a way at least I know some of the things going on even if it dosnt yet make much difference to me. Martin made an offhand comment asking what my dad is upto these days, I mentioned that to my dad and suggested he send Martin his cv. On balance I am not sure it was worth me getting his hopes up its just I know he needs to get some income and perhaps he could help out, dispite not knowing basic he is a good programmer. My worry is that Martin will be annoyed at me or worse my dad will get his hopes up for nothing and be annoyed at me. Perhaps in future I should just keep my mouth shut.

Fishy

I have just cleaned out my tank changed the fileters and ordered £110 of filteres and cleaning products. I was pretty upset to see one of them floating on the surface this morning so I am going to make sure that the tank is as good an environment as possible from now on.

Had to use some brinkmanship to get holidays unforftunatly couldnt get any time off in October so looks like my trip to China is out now. Fortunatly I hadn't booked anything yet. At least I have got a few days of in September and at Christmas.

Sad

Got up this morning to find one of my fishes had died in the night, the silodontis catfish. Very upsetting but I guess he was nearly 6 years old and had never looked too good from when I first had him.

Another John Cooke

I received an email this morning from John Cooke of Utah, USA

Hi John:

My name is john cooke too. It was interesting to find your site. I'd like to hear about you. Where you live, what you do, whatever.

I live in Utah, but I'm not Mormon. I am a student at the university. I have been married for 17 years and have 2 children.

I won't tell you any more in case you don't care.

Thanks. john

I do care I think its great to connect with other people its what the internet is all about, so thanks very much. I am thinking about adding a section to my website with a list of the other John Cooke's of the world, just for fun of course.

Into the frying pan

Been another restful sunday, laid in bed this morning hung over vaguly listening to the archers which my dad had on in the next room. Decided I should go for a swim and sauna to sort myself out. A short cycle thirty lengths and sit in the sauna and I certainly felt refreshed.
Good thing I took some exercise lunch was another bbq so tasty but I have eaten way too much meat for my own good this summer. The afternoon I whiled away reading some more of War and Peace, im three books in no and the story is starting to get more compelling, its still quiet hard going though. Tolstoy certainly likes to detail his characters.
This evening Bruce and I went to see sandbox at retro bar, Retro bar is as cheap as I remember from my student days they had 2 bottles of becks for 2.50 result! Walking downstairs to the basemaent venue reminded me of my time in the sauna. The basement was stupidly hot, your could literally fell a wall of heat as you went through the door. Its a testinment to the ban they managed to get through their set Andy told me afterwards he was sick thanks to the heat, not good at all. The set however was good dispite struggling for breath in between songs Lennie was on form the new songs sounded good (I think thye will be better with a little more maturing, 1 million marboros is a favorite of mine so was good to hear.
Managed to check up with Emily sounds like she is having a great time in London by the sounds of it the projects are interesting, randomly she is linving with someone who also did my course at UMIST there cant be more than 25 people a year that did it, what a small world. I wonder how I would feel if I worked for a prestigous technology company on ore interesting projects, probably my moral would be a lot higher. Good for her anyway, time for bed another day at the coal face tomorrow.

Blue

Watched the first of Tros Colours series this evening, I had seen Red a few weeks ago and thought it be a beautiful one.
Blue is about liberty, Juile life is turned upside down when her husband and daughter are killed in a car crash, she withdraws from the world abandoning possession and people "Now I have only one thing left to do: nothing. I don't want any belongings, any memories. No friends, no love. Those are all traps."
The film is delightfully shot with lingering close ups on minute aspects of Julies life dipicting her withdrawing by concentrating on the little things in her life, when an old friend lover confronts her she is fixated by dipping a sugar cube into her coffee. Tinged through the film is a musical theme, her late husband was a composer and Julie is haunted by dreams of his final piece. Kriz shows we cannot escape reality as a series of characters old and new snap her out of her self imposed exile.