Thursday, June 14, 2007

From out of nowhere

I have been finding it very difficult to blog recently. Apart from feeling extremely tired all the time, there are things I cant talk about on here, and the rest of my life is taken up by the mundane things I have already discussed in detail. Maia hit the nail on the head when she told me she thought the thing I was most afraid of was being boring.

This morning I looked at myself in the mirror all dressed up in my work suit, and I wondered how did I end up here. Lately I have devoted the majority of my energy into work, its really wearing me down. At what point did I start living to work rather than working to live?

The problem is I cant answer the questions, I wonder if other feels like I do. That they have been swept along with the tide rather that master their own destiny. I spoke to one guy tonight, he reminded me of myself at his age, full of hope for the future. Somewhere along the way I replaced that hope for compliance, I think I need to get my edge back.

I also have a huge self confidence / doubt problem that is really an issue. I have a tenancy to be a pretty negative person, always questioning myself and striving for improvement. It's a problem working in a company where its literally impossible to get feedback on the quality of your work.At least that what I would like to believe, I am quiet lazy.

It hasn't help the one of the staffers with people picking holes in my work. C exposed some rather stupid mistakes, too much use of the cut and past caused a weird error. It was quiet embarrassing but at the same time I feel it exposed some poor working practises which we need to address.

I was like a message centre this afternoon, playing communicator between several groups of people. I was just about on top of things, until I received a random call from one of my ex's. The call came through during a busy period, so a made my excuses. Despite efforts later she didn't ring back, leaving my very curious. I think I have tried my best, worked hard and dome some good things, but all C see's is some joker who missed an obvious bug.

This evening I went for a drink with Bruce. It was very much needed, I have been feeling stressed all week, and while I realise Lager is a depressant it tastes so nice. It's has been a horrible evening, last week I was boiling, this week I needed to put the heating on!

Well I have waffled enough about nothing, night night.