I chickened out of the gym, my back still hurts and I felt tired after work. In truth I feel tired all the time, I have trouble sleeping I am troubled by many things these days.
This evening I went round to the Brooks to watch a film. They had rented a film about the Africans contribution to the French effort during the second world war called Days Of Glory. It was an interesting take on the contribution of some of the forgotten people of the war. I guess I always think in terms of the Russian or US fronts, and maybe the French resistance but here was the Algerians and Africans fighting for Liberty, Equality and Fraternity. It was quiet a depressing film the French treating the brave mostly Arab solders like dirt. No wonder the Algerian separatists caused so many problems later on.
Walking back from so many thoughts were running through my mind I am having a bit of a crisis. I spoke to a friend earlier this evening and I realised what I mess of life I am making. I have wasted the last year aiming for impossible romances, crying over the improbable. I have let vised two countries in search of someone special let my hope build my mind build up too much only to be left alone and unhappy. I have allowed other important things in my life slide, and fallen into bad habits. Sometimes I don't know who I am or what I want anymore.
I think I need to step back, relax and try to forget. So tomorrow I need start, to try and change. Attempt to break out of this downwards spiral. There are good things in my life, I just need to identify the piece I like and the things I can improve. Maybe drink a little less and be a little less negative then perhaps I can be happier.