Monday, September 11, 2006

Fade out

Had an argument probably final with one of my MSN buddies; She took issue with my negative view of the world, I cant seem to help it I have felt sad for so long I am not sure even what happiness it. Even in moment of fun and games surrounded by friends I can feel alone. Its not that I dont know how to smile it just I think the world is horrible most people dont seem to be worth knowing and it all brings me down I cant put a brave face on I can only ever be me alone unwanted trying to lead a moral life in a sea of apathetic people.
Tonight I found out that the postal service dont have a record to say my passport and visa application was delivered there is less than a week to go I am going to have to make some frantic phone calls tomorrow t make things work out and there might not be a way :S It makes me feel sick to think about it all the pain to get things organized to do undone by the loss of my passport.
I went out for a drink with Phil tonight typically Claire was in the unicorn I cant ever seem to get free I should go somewhere else I shouldnt still feel anything I should have moved on a long time ago and in most ways I have yet she hurt me in a way no-one else ever has and that marked the point from which my love life has yet to recover. Since her I have has a few trysts, Nikkie, Liz, Lynne, and Janice. Yet none of them burned such an indelible and negative image on me. Perhaps I am just destined to be alone to always desire and yet never to fulfill those desires.
Yes I know who wants to go out with an overweight depressive like me, but yet I can be more am more I just need to cut away this cancer this malaise which pulls me back.
Its my first Japanese lesson tomorrow Lulu was most upset when I told her I think she would prefer me to learn anything but, however it dosnt change my desire to visit China before returning to Japan, who knows where life will lead perhaps Ill change perhaps i wont even so the world will keep turning the sun will still burn and life will go on.


I cleaned out the fish last night removed some of the algea which has been building up since the algea eating catfish died I hadnt realised how much of a difference he made but now the tank is furring up fast. I hae bought a scraper to clear off some of the excess algea and amanged to remove some. The plants have been breeding and there were quiet a few floating child plants I started planting these the oscars decided my arm looked like a tasty treat and one of them bit a chunk out it hurt and I quickly pulled my arm out bashing my elbow on the corner of the tank as I did so. Being bitten was more shocking than painful but smakshing my elbow into the cornerof a glass tank well that fucking mega hurts!
Spoke to Liz last night she thinks the quailty of my blog has declined marked recently and I cant say I arguewith that particularly I feel a lot like I write the same thing over and over. Perhaps its bause I keep repeating the same mistakes or I am too afriad to move on with m life. It seems every choice I make is wrong and I doomed forever to waste away my days trapped in a cycle of decline. I hope one day to find a purpose some relife from all this, this life, this pain, this nothing.