Had an argument probably final with one of my MSN buddies; She took issue with my negative view of the world, I cant seem to help it I have felt sad for so long I am not sure even what happiness it. Even in moment of fun and games surrounded by friends I can feel alone. Its not that I dont know how to smile it just I think the world is horrible most people dont seem to be worth knowing and it all brings me down I cant put a brave face on I can only ever be me alone unwanted trying to lead a moral life in a sea of apathetic people.
Tonight I found out that the postal service dont have a record to say my passport and visa application was delivered there is less than a week to go I am going to have to make some frantic phone calls tomorrow t make things work out and there might not be a way :S It makes me feel sick to think about it all the pain to get things organized to do undone by the loss of my passport.
I went out for a drink with Phil tonight typically Claire was in the unicorn I cant ever seem to get free I should go somewhere else I shouldnt still feel anything I should have moved on a long time ago and in most ways I have yet she hurt me in a way no-one else ever has and that marked the point from which my love life has yet to recover. Since her I have has a few trysts, Nikkie, Liz, Lynne, and Janice. Yet none of them burned such an indelible and negative image on me. Perhaps I am just destined to be alone to always desire and yet never to fulfill those desires.
Yes I know who wants to go out with an overweight depressive like me, but yet I can be more am more I just need to cut away this cancer this malaise which pulls me back.
Its my first Japanese lesson tomorrow Lulu was most upset when I told her I think she would prefer me to learn anything but, however it dosnt change my desire to visit China before returning to Japan, who knows where life will lead perhaps Ill change perhaps i wont even so the world will keep turning the sun will still burn and life will go on.