Tuesday, October 31, 2006

March of the Penguins

This evening I watched the film March of the Penguins. I is not quiet as good as a decent David Attenborough program but not far off well worth a watch if you like nature programs. The penguins have a kind of quiet majesty about them. Serene in the lifestyle totally geared towards the survival of the species. I guess that is life. Its all about the survival of the species damn happiness, sadness joy and pain in the end its only the species that really matters.

I heard on the radio that elephants joined a select group of animals; in that they are self aware they recognise their own reflection like humans, grate apes and dolphins. Strange really to think such ability as to see ones own reflection is actually an evolutionary masterpiece.

Today I my colleague looked as stressed as I felt last week, this time his domain was crashing about his ears whilst his colleagues were away. I did my best to help but it just shows how overstretched the systems part of the business is really relying on a few key people is a sure sign of problems.

I was speaking to someone on ICQ this evening who thinks I should be grateful for everything I have. I tried to explain that life is in the end all down to perception. Yes things are great compared to people in the developing world who have to worry about the next meal, but in the end that's not whom I will compare myself against. I look towards my peers and compared to them I am doing very poorly. Further I don't believe I am meant to be happy that's simply a mistruth our reason for living isn't to be happy but simple to perpetuate the species unfortunately on that level too I am not doing very given the distinct lack of a partner, oh well.

Fortunately I was saved from the depths of the conversation by Phil on his return from Aikido. We went for a couple of drinks and had a chat about work and life, things are going well for him since leaving his job he seems to have picked up some decent works as a contractor which is great makes me think long and hard about doing the same. At the moment I feel like my career is stalled I am a trainee developer who has only ever had 8 days of training. Despite many promises I am still doing exactly the same support role as the day I started. Just this week some contractor got hired to do the sort of work I want to be involved with on over £300 a day. I don't expect that but wouldn't it make sense to train me too? I guess not to my boss.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Blogger Problems and Murphy's Law

I have been having a few issues with Blogger of the last couple of days I haven't been able to publish anything. There is no explanation on Blogger's site but other people were complaining about the same issue on the message boards. I have been trying every so often since Saturday finally this evening I was able to publish again.

From one fuckup to another, a server crashed over the weekend causing major panic at work, as usual in these situations Murphey's law made it happen at the worst possible time when the backup server is also out of action thanks to a hardware fault *sigh*. Fortunately this time it isn't me that has to stay up into the small hours this time but my colleague poor lad. I did try to help by knocking up a program which (touch wood) should help speed things along a little.

One of my ex's contacted me today. She wanted to tell me she was moving house and back in with the guy whom he once broken off their engagement and once walked out on her. Now I know this might seem like its none of my business and I have never met him but he sounds like a complete twat to me why she feels like she can't do better I will never know. Oh well none of my business these days I told her I thought she was being a fool other than that I good luck I hope things work out different this time.

I have a couple of extra days off this weekend and have decided it might be fun to see something of England I was thinking in honour of the Celtic / Pagan new year I might go and see Stonehenge seeing as I have never been there. I might even drop into Salisbury Cathedral as well; catch some of the things tourists come to see in the United Kingdom.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

I want to do something stupid

Just got back from a gym session my body is totally tired Just like the other day I had to tone down all my weights and even go for a couple of walks in between some of the more taxing sets. It is amazing that in only just over a month of not doing weights how much power I have lost, so difficult to build up so easy to lose!

What is normally a euphoric experience was partially messed up but the thoughts running around my head. I kept thinking about Maia how can she have forgotten me, why can't I forget and get a clear head? A question haunts me, "why does no one love me"? Maia fell for some German weirdo before the Italian, my god he was into taking photos of his Barbie dolls! What the heck as the Italian chap got that I haven't except a tan and a pass to Italy. So the stupid thing I want to do is phone her demand to know why! However that is about the worst idea ever so instead I will try and forget.

Further thoughts have been troubling me. I have known at least three girls who after finding out I still lived at home suddenly lost interest. I don't know if its lucky escapes from gold diggers or women just want to find someone who is master of their own destiny and can take care of themselves.

I need to break out of this I felt so good a couple of weeks ago yet is often seems like everything wants to drag me down. Problems at work, and women; especially when they seem keen one moment and then not so. Not no one where I am going or what to do next weekend I have two extra days off I was planning to go to Prague. I loved Prague but part of the reason to go was to visit a girl I know there. Not quiet the same situation as Maia, I met Kelly in Manchester we went out for a drink had a good time but since we have only talked sporadically, I talked about going to visit her after getting back from Belarus but since we have been pretty distant so its probably (almost certainly) a stupid idea, anyway I need to move on not retry past mistakes. Instead I am going to go see something in the UK where I am not 100% sure yet hopefully it will prove to be a fun adventure.

Six Mile Water

This week has been pretty tiring, not just because I had to stay up late working, though that sure added to the problem. I think mostly the good feelings leftover from my holiday has gone replaced by an empty confused feeling.

Yesterday was the 11th Lan event, more computer games, more pizza more fun. Based at the legion as usual Phil and I had picked up the keys last night so we were able to set up at our leisure. A couple of people decided to turn up way before the event started which was slightly annoying especially as they are the more demanding clients. However undeterred we set up quickly like pros. Despite earlier feelings the turnout ended up lower than expected. A few new people turned up though; also one returning guy from Lan number 2 came again. He now has a new pc, complete with a really cool display on the front. I enjoyed the day even though I was certainly too tired to talk to Chris after a full day of his questions. The games all seemed to go pretty well though we never got HLstatsX working shame but oh well. I guess the next one will be Christmas only not long now folks!

I washed my car earlier and for no reason at all random trains of thought started going though my mind. I remember thinking out the different types of intelligence. I thought of several distinct types, first that quick sharp intelligence the one that works like lightening, creator of retorts, quick jokes and sharp words. Second is the deep knowledge it can be slow or quick the ability to call on a body of evidence to remember quotes dates and events and use them to back up arguments. Finally there is the practical intelligent some people are just able to look at problems and see the solution. That eureka moment going from a to c without passing through b. Most people are a composite of these types falling somewhere into the mix I have found it very rare to meet people who are well versed in all areas. Just thought I would share that weirdness with you ;-)

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Hip to be square

I feel so tired I have gone beyond tired but more than tired I am currently angry. I have a number of reasons to be unhappy mostly the normal things the tax demand pissed me off a great deal but I think the icing on the cake today had to be a comment from the IT manager. I have stayed up two nights in a row later doing out of hours work this afternoon my mind wasnt focused at all I was tired and I asked to go home early (at 4 insted of 5.30) rather than say yeah sure you have done a good job recently he started to lay into me about a worklist which I hadn' completed. Well no I haven' that is correct because as usual priorities have shifted other jobs have come up but hey I have worked an extra two evenings I am worn out I can sit hear and pretned to be productive or I can go home and rest recover.

To make matters wrose I have found out once again I have been left out of the new software development a contractor has been hired I wouldnt have even known anything about it if a collegue hadnt phoned me to ask about some XML work. TO be honest is pretty much a joke I am not really sure how I can remotivate myself after all this.

I tried to cheer myself up chatting to friends on the internet but I just ended up in an arguemtn about religion of all things. I then went out for a drink with Phil but I wasnt in the mood in fact I should just have stayed in and rested I just feel angry and tired not a good combination.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Taxed to death

I went home for lunch and found a "really nice" letter from the tax man waiting for me. Apparently somehow I managed to underpay my tax by £120's last year, how remiss of me. I only paid £3900 in income tax, another £2100 in national insurance, £175 road fund licence and god only knows what other stealth taxes in VAT, insurance premium tax, fuel duty, stamp duty (on share dealing). On top of this I have a £70 a month student loan repayment! By my calculation I paid more tax last year than I earned in take home pay when I worked for Wilmslow high school.

I have been a life long Liberal voter but to be honest I really feel the labour need to go now! The illegal war in Iraq apart how is it fair I have such a tax burden placed on me? Why do I need to feed an ever growing government with its pork barrel spending to companies like Capita and Serco. What am I actually getting from the state other than poor services under investment in a crumbling infrastructure and a ticking pension time bomb?

Thursday, October 26, 2006


My work task failed last night perhaps rsync wasn't the correct tool for such a massive copy job. I will have to try again tonight, this time I have exposed the backup server as an nfs share I am hoping this will speed things along...

The IT director came to have a word with me about the whole situation I think it is only about the third time he has ever spoken to me. So far conversations have always been because something has gone wrong. One day it would be nice to get a pat on the back but somehow I cannot see that happening.

I managed to sneak away 30 minutes early (I was hoping for an hour but never mind) so I went for a jog made it into Bramhall and back with wasn't bad. I still need a lot of work to get fully back into shape though.

Tonight I had arranged (rearranged actually but never mind) for Andy to come round so we could put together a holding site for the new sandbox on-line site. In all three members of Sandbox line up appeared, Andy, Lennie and Will. I was still feeling half dead from last night and encountered a few problems getting things to work but managed to migrate the forum database. I didn't have the correct template and everything was broken so I have to do a bit of database munging to make it all hang together.

Now I get to do another night of file copying and trying to get the server back working again. God I feel tired I could really have done with a couple of cold beers this evening but had to keep a clear head.

This week has flown by in fact the time since I arrived home has zoomed past each day takes me away from that place where I was happy for a while. Its like Australia all over again, I was so happy for a while then the dream ended and I was back in England again, dreary cold alone bored and unhappy. These last few days I cannot shake the feeling everything is wrong there must be more than staying up late working for crappy job. I remember speaking to Endo's mate he was complaining how crap his pay is he named a figure it was 2500 more than I earn. I am smarter than him surely I should be able to do better?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Goodbye Mo

I feel somewhat like work has taken over my life recently but here it comes another work related post. Today was Mo's final day. I felt quiet sad to be honest she was one of the few people I got on well with. Morning was difficult there were a rash of small but important bug suddenly raised. I only managed to get through because I new we were going for luncheon.

The IT/IS staff and myself went out to the King William pub for a bite to eat, I had a rather tasty but totally overpriced homemade burger and chips. We all wished Mo good luck then it was back to work.

Had a distressing 30 minutes after receiving a phone call from Ian. He told me his email had failed; I checked mine and found it was down. PANIC!! Fortunately after some tense phone calls it turned out the PIX firewall had crashed one reboot and everything is back. Just shows I need to get myself in gear and get the other server sorted. Soon!

At 5pm there was a gathering to hand Mo a card and present I released somehow I missed out on the collection and card signing and felt rather small. I don't think she noticed as the present was big and the card had a lot of signatures, but its pretty stupid of me. I wished her well in her new role and went to the gym feeling like a complete twat.

I had not done a weight session since before going to Belarus and found not only couldn't I lift the same weights I couldn't even get through my program. I am going to need to take this seriously from now on.

Tonight Bruce and I spent more time setting up the lan server it is looking pretty good though we are having issues getting one of the stats services running. As usual all the preparation is at the last minute despite the fact we have had the LAN date for months. I really hope this one goes well,

Right now at 12.15 I am dialled into work trying to fix a server issues out of hours, I think I will be up for a couple of hours to come. I don't think I will be much use at work tomorrow but hopefully if I can fix this issue at least something will be running correctly.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Run to the Hills

Today was another day in paradise; the air conditioner is broken so we had to open the windows. This isn't an ideal situation when there is a busy road outside make it difficult to hear. Fortunately the smell of drains has dissipated, the air conditioner repair man says we need a new compressor so don't hold our breath waiting for a new one.

I spent another day trying to get my colleagues web service functional think I am finally there it still needs some error handling but at least it brings back figures now. It kind of annoyed me the way my colleague told myself (and everyone else) he was nearly done when in fact there was a lot of work to do. Mind you it has forced me to learn more and I think in the end it will be a good bit of code so I am staying positive.

At 4.45 and the IT boys got everyone off the system to fail over as the power was going down in our building. Power in the main building would still be operational. The switchover should have taken minutes, at 5.45 I left (15minutes late) for the failover hadn' taken place. Typical of technology really always goes wrong at the least opportune moment.

Japanese class was unbelievable the difficulty level has really ramped up. Eme was trying to teach us tenses using the days and dates we have learned over the last few weeks. It's really difficult a total departure from the way us English (and Europeans) treat grammar. They also have a fun way of shortening words, it's all very confusing I need to practise more.

I got home to find a message on my phone about work. Appaerently a controller card had failed on one of the servers which prevented fail over and they were having trouble getting services to restart. Luckly I rang back it seems that the problems had resolved and the servers will be online when I get in tomorrow. Thank goodness for that! Tomorrow is Mo's last day would be a shame not to be able to go out for lunch as planned because of a system failure.

Two comments in two days thats excellent going, lucky me. Hello Sarah, I do indeed I remember, you, very well in fact. Thanks for the feedback your most kind I only hope I can maintain your interest :) In fact Paul mentioned you and Simo in passing on the weekend.

Monday, October 23, 2006


I cut last night's post short due to the fact it was getting pretty late. Yesterday I spent the morning was spent with Paul. He played me a couple of his new songs which I enjoyed greatly. One of which was very good, almost a Thom Yorkesq dance track the other needed a bit of work but had potential. Its always great to hear Paul's songs I almost feel like I am part of the creative process feeding something back.

We played some more computer games, it's been years since I used a console system in anger it was quiet a lot of fun especially Mario kart. I remember the day I bought my Nintendo 64 with Mario 64 I think I stayed up most of the night playing!

I left about 7 and had a nightmare journey home I was going to go on the toll then realised I had no change so decided to go via Birmingham error! Lots of roadwork's complete with speed cameras very confusing and stressful at night and in the rain.

Work was a bit of a nightmare today not least because of the smell. Since the restaurant down stairs close apparently people have been clogging one of the sinks. It was full of rotting food and blocked up, a plumber cleared it but the stench was unbelievable. I also had to deal with a failure on one of the systems. I was supposed to dial in and fix tonight unfortunately my login has expired so I can't. I also got left a program which I was assure was nearly done just needed a bit of tweaking. Well I tweaked it all afternoon and it's still not working. It was productive day in that I managed to take out my frustrations at the gym rather than on people. I didn' managed to do any Japanese practise yet I will have to have a skim through at lunch tomorrow.

This evening Phil and Bruce came over and we watched episode three of Lost season three. I think that so far I have been unimpressed and this episode did nothing to rekindle my interest. Thanks to Becky for her comment, I always enjoy feedback. I still haven't found out who the anonymous person that claimed to have read the entire 2006 archive is any takers?
I felt truly rotten Saturday morning but I somehow managed to get up at 8 shower breakfast and get out by 9.20 I was on my way to Bristol. I arrived about 12.30 roadwork held me up through Birmingham but the M5 was a joy tore down it with happy abandon.

I managed to have a bit of a look round the city saw the Quay area which was very nice lots of fountains and outdoor art. I had lunch in a bar overlooking it all which was rather pleasant. I even went into the St Mary Redcliffe Church which was pretty spectacular. I think I need to do more of these trips travel around and see more of the United Kingdom I seem to know Australia better.

I didn't really fancy travelling all the way back I toyed with the Idea of staying down there however I had another idea popped into see Paul in Leamington its was a lot quicker than going all the way home. Even better I arrived in time to share Thai curry with him and Pippa. We stayed up and chatted about life played some games and watched the grudge (my advice don't bother and this was my second viewing). I played Mario Kart I had forgotten how much fun it is and how much I wanted to win (I think had Holly been there she would have been shocked at how competitive we all were).

Pippa went to bed earlier and Paul and I sat up chatting it was good to catch up we didn't really have the time to chat last week because there were so many of us out. Being at his little pad chilling out in control of things made me more determined than ever I must get my own place as much as I love my parents its doing me no good living here I rely on them and it makes me lazy and cowardly. Its also a real turn off to women they want strong independent types not mummies boys still living at home. If only I could raise that deposit!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

El Condor Pasa

I have been away from my PC this weekend so apologies for the lack of posting. Ill start with Friday night and try and work chronologically forward.

Mo (the girl I work with) had her last day next Wednesday so we decided to go have a few drinks after work. There was a small irony in this as being a Muslim she dosn't drink and was fasting so couldn't even drink her coke until after Sundown at 6.08. It was actually quiet pleasant the other people from work were relaxed. After 3 pints I was a little sozzelled, Mo left and there was another group going into Manchester, I decided not to as I wanted a quiet night because of my trip to Bristol on the Saturday.

My dad was kind enough to give me a lift home, so I had some dinner and got changed sobered up. Phil called me and asked if I fancied going for a quick drink at the Rectory I said hell why not so we headed back to Wilmslow. Arriving at the Rectory to find it busy and not on top form. We had a pint and were about to leave when we bumped into Endo and his mate. Somehow things got a little hazy from here more drinks followed then more we headed to the Sam Finny more drinks followed before I knew it I was wasted making a fool of myself on the dancefloor.

Friday, October 20, 2006


Went for a drink after work to celebrate (not sure if that is the correct term) Mo's leaving. Was a reasonable nice couple of drinks with the co workers my dad was kind enought to give me a lift home. I stayed too late though and missed out going to see a band with Jo.

My parents took the cat to the vet found out that he has an ear infection and need antibiotics. The vet did say that for such an old cat he had a really nice coat. He is asleep on my bed at the moment, poor old thing.


My cat woke me up in the night by throwing up. Its been ill for several years with failing kidneys we take it to the vet every 6 weeks or so for a steroid injection. It is lso on a low protein diet personally I think its amazing he is still alive 19 years old has got to be a great ago for a cat.

However beeing woken up by the sound of him hacking up on my floor at 4.30am wasnt the most fun I have had this week. Fortunatly most of it landed on my British Computer Society voting forms rather than the carpet.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


To help cheer myself up I have arranged to go to see Paul on the weekend. Hurrah it's always fun times with him. What with going out for Mo's leaving do tomorrow its going to be a hectic one not managed much Japanese practise yet :S

Oh Andy has come online going to help sort out his email night all.

All the things she said

Sorry for the lack of posts recently but there have been a few things at work and home that I could not publish but if I had started a blog these thoughts would have ended up on there. Things have calmed down enough for me to blog again without ending up in trouble I hope.

It's Maia' birthday today she text messaged me this morning to say the card I sent her had arrived amazing timing really, I wish I could claim I planned it to perfection it was really just luck with the post, I hope she has a good time. I don't know if its the end of the line for us I can feel we are drifting apart that bond we had whilst I was over there and talking to her on the phone her gone. She has the Italian for that now. I shall really miss the fact that someone out there needed only to hear my voice to be happy.

Work has not been good recently I have been feeling really frustrated with myself and some of the people I work with. I just feel like there is no progression for me I am simply doing the same old things everyday, I need to be improving myself rather than stagnating. In truth I am not sure what to do should I tell my boss I am unhappy with the way things are, carry on waiting for the next review starting looking for something else or start doing some courses, I am so confused!

Jono came over this evening inturupting a msn chat I was having with his sister Ali. She wants me to read some new age books about motivation and postive mental attitude. I am pretty dead set against to be honest I gave up goign too church I don' need any other qusi religion in my life. Jono then tempted me back to his place for tea and toast. I was meant to be going for a drink with Phil but he never turned up.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Fixed Mac

Another boring day of work but thanks to good feeling from the weekend I managed to get through.
Tonight I popped to the gym realising I have been very lazy and put on a few pounds and lost a bit of fitness did a 6KM run and 15 minutes of the bikes it nearly killed me but I got through.
Phil came round to help me fix my mac following a guide managed to swap out the hard disk. It was a pain needed to ask Jono as I didn't have a small enough jewlers screwdriver. I stupidly tried using a stanley knife after gonig through two blades I reliased I had to call round for help.
Have been listening to Slam by Pendulum thanks to Wooler playing it intensivly this weekend. Itunes is great sometime, mind you the album costs 9.95 on itunes but you can buy the CD for 7.99 from HMV online.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Departed

After getting back from Andy's I spent the afternoon reading finished off Wizard and Glasss I think its the worst one of the dark tower series so far though it does provide a lot of depth to Roland's character
Went to see the Departed tonight with Phil, its a pretty good thought completly butal film. It was a typical mob film given an Irish twist set in Boston the action follows Boston Irish kingpin Frank Costello he has his fingers in every pie including the police force. Against this raw recruit Billy Costigan a kid with a family history tied up with the mob play goes undercover to get to inside Costellos organisation. PLenty of twist and turns follow. The action is brutal it reminded me of the gritty reality of a history of violence. It is well filmed and acted, definatly worth a watch as long as you like dark ganster films and can stand the slow pace and length (about 2.5 hours).

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Trains to Brazil

Paul had come up from Leamington for the weekend and was staying with Woller. So last night I went out "with the boys" in Macclesfield. Jo Berger Riginhi also came out with us though they left earlier.

Everybody was in high spirits and after a few games or Mario Cart we stomped down to the Flowerpot for a warm up drinks. Jokes were told beer was drunk then another walk into the town.

Next stop was Weatherspoons more banter jokes and oggling on the local talent followed. I wish I could remember the jokes but mostly I just remember laughing a lot. I do remember that the bar was stupidly busy so we were forced to double up our drinks.

Leaving the Weatherpoons several pints heavier but one member lighter Righni had to catch a train, we stoped for a quick drink in a couple of places before taking the plunge and heading to Chicago Rock. Not my favoirte venue but hey after a few drinks and with a brillent £10 for entrie and 7 count them drinks it was fun. I even had a bit of a dance.

Grabbed a kebab and ended up back at wollers. On the way into his hous ehe managed to set the alarm off then put his music on full blast I am sure his neighbours wanted to listen to pendulum at 3 am.

I managed to be drunk enough to wack hell out of Wollers punch bag I have no idea why it seemed like a fun thing to do at the time.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Dungens and dragons

These are interesting times for sure, I haven't seen Phil all week since the Birmingham job he seemed very happy got something else line up.
Today was a nightmare for me thanks for someone leaving I got moved to another desk overlooked by the entire department coupled with a micro managing boss I don't thing I will last long.

I have spent the day doing the most boring task editing an excel document documenting fields there's are well over 2000 of them each taking a minute of so, it going to take a long time. Did I really study for a degree to edit excel spending my life doing the least meaningful tasks?

Tonight chatted to miss ??? reviled far too much as is my nature I am sure I will have scared her away despite her thoughts to the contrary.

I found myself at the unicorn Claire was there she looked fatter and less appealing than ever compared to Maia she was nothing I wonder if I will feel this way about Maia? Is this moving on? Why did it take so long did I not want to?

A weird episode happened to us this evening on arrival we [Phil and I] were sat near to a group of loud people. Eventually one guy came over to talk about the nature of existence and a girl came over to tell Phil he is a wizard and need to be open minded. It was weird hearing Phil drawn into thing I hope I am not that malleable, Personally I find any religion ever Wicca to be counter to my view but it sure sparked some debate.

I can't get Maia out of my head its the question that haunts me "would things have been different if I met her first?" its an insane track of though pointless and meaningless its happened I just need to deal with it and move on but somehow its impossible. I want her so much how was it I kept quiet why I hide my feelings am I a coward or a hero?

I know miss ??? thinks I am a loser did I damn myself twice? With the same words?

It must be nice to believe in something it's been a long time since I have had any touchstone,

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Go Back

One of the people I have worked with since day one handed in her notice today. It won't be the same without her there will be no-one to make the tea for starters! No seriously she has been a pleasure to work with it will leave a big gap in the office space; I hope her new employ will work out best of luck.

My day went alright got a massive and tedious data mapping exercise to do. Also been working on a new print routine means less work for people I didn't ask what would happen to the people that had been doing the work. I find that it is better not to ask. After all I did not make the choice nor could I change it.

Tonight I stayed in I have been trying to save some money I have another holiday (any ideas where to go?) coming up and I haven't paid off the last one yet!

It was quiet nice to relax to be honest sitting reading with the cat sat on my lap, chatting to a few people on the net build up my strength for a raucous time in Macclesfield this weekend. Paul is coming up and staying with Matt Woller so Macc is the place to party.

Rock on!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Big Brother

I think I managed to scare Paul today. He happened to be looking at my photo gallery at the same time I was checking the stat pages. I texted him and asked whether he had enjoyed the photos. An immediate text back reviled his surprise. Before you all shutdown and never return I cant actually find out who is viewing the site only make educated guesses I can see the host the ISP and the geographic location (I put a link in however it was broken if you want to see the map click here and select show visitor map). I can think of only one person in the Midland's who would spend hours looking through my website. From what I can see there are two or three Londoner's I guess that is probably Emily, Pippa and Another but who knows.

Talking of Paul he turned me onto the Easy All Stars Reggae version of OK Computer I heard one song then bought the album and I am not disappointed so chilled and well done completely respectful to the original concept yet sounds fresh and new, excellent!

Work was actually quiet civil for a change looks like we might actually get something live this century, in fact the only annoyance was from someone through email badgering me. I do wish he would concentrate on his own work instead of mithering me.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Big in Japan

Today I managed to get something Live hurrah, only a small prog but at least I am finally managing to get some changes through the system. I even did accompanying the paperwork. I there is something good about actually solving a problem even if noone pats me on the back I still get a sense of achievement.

Afterwork I had my third (actually the fifth thanks to the lessons I missed whilst I was in Belarus). Today we practised some more Katakana a few of the symbols are starting to come to me but its only the tip of the iceberg this is in the main the anglified version (with some German French and other lanagues thrown in for fun). Also learned the days of the week oh and I am looking for a Kana keyboard anyone know where I can buy one?

Tonight wathced Clerks II it was pretty funny nowhere as near as biting social commentary as the first movie I especially missed the little customers asides from the first movie. I also felt some of Hicks rants were a little over done, however its was a funny movie well worht a watch as long as you don't mind swearing or sexual themes ;)

I feel a bit more chilled out today perhaps it was the success at work perhaps I am just having a good day this evening I feel better in my mind than I have done in a long time. Had a few people message me randomly from myspace and ICQ recently a few even seem like nice people which is always nice perhaps I am due for an upturn in fortunes, well I can hope right ;)

Monday, October 09, 2006

There is nothing like emptying a cartrige at the sun!

Several worring things from Netdoctor. I took some of the quizzes apparently I am depressed and possibliy an alcoholic, no surpirses there then. Worse though is the fact I should have had vaccinations before going to Belarus I didn't though. Hopefully I am fine on symptoms other than this never ending cold but I had that before I left.
I am sure I will survive its one of the things I seem to be good at so far. Someone asked me about the titles of the posts where it was some clever joke, unfortunatly not there is nothing very deep about it. I found I wasn't very imaginative about title so I started to choose the title or lyrics of a sing I am listening to whilst writing it, for example this post has a lyric from Regina Spektor Uhmerica. Most are pretty obvious but some are quiet obscure.

Right I am going to read the last chapter of the waste lands beofre I sleep, night night.

Happy reading!

I want more

I can't stop thinking about Maia see her in my dreams, she's always on my mind hiding in corners seeing false images memories intruding into my mind whilst I run round the track. How long will these feelings last how much can I stand. Rationally nothing ever happened never will but somehow the idea the dream if you will just wont fade at least not yet. I guess whats perverse is that I cant even talk to her about my feelings I made the choice and I have to live with it.

Meanwhile normal life continues, went to work today my boss made an appearance. He had meetings the client all morning. After lunch I chauffeured him to the new office. Its a pretty nice modern building was random to walk in and see M C and my dad sat in an office together. After a bit of a chat I gave Martin a lift back to the Airport and headed back to the clients. I heard more promises of a change to other more exciting projects but after what happened last time I think I will reserve judgement for the time being. Managed (I think to get one bug fixed) then it was home time.

Went to the gym in the hope that exercise would help rid some of my daemons, it worked a little I feel better for going though I am terribly unfit 5KM on the track nearly finished me off I'm sure I used to be able to do it faster and do a weights session afterwards. After the run I spent 25 minutes on the X-trainer then did some abdominals work I was covered in sweat and thoroughly exhausted by the time I hit the shower. I now weigh 83kg 5kg less though I fear that might in the most part be loss of muscle mass rather than fat. I think I need to get back into the weights.

How to replace a hard drive

Found out how to swap out the hard disk on my powerbook. Looks difficult but I might give it a try after the gym tonight.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Good Times Bad Times

Lulu received the card / present I sent her finally, I don't think she was impressed by the Russian doll. In fact she had no idea it was a popular Russian symbol however she was as ever most polite, think the card went down better she didn't even criticize my poor attempts at Chinese symbols. I must have practised 10 times before I wrote out the card but I still found it impossible.

Got a small moral dilemma, I have kept in touch with Paul's ex Lisa and she invited me to a party in London. I spoke to Paul about it and he was completely cool. Typically though I still some reservations fortunately I think Phil is going to come with me which should make everything cool as even if it turns out I don't have anything in common with anyone (a frequent fear of mine). Should be a fun trip out get the train there have a few drinks meet some new people catch up with Lisa, we had some fun times out in Australia so I have a good feeling. There was one spectre of a problem though on seeing a link to my blog she had a similar reaction to a girl I was kind of seeing some time back, P took one look on my blog had a total rant about how could I put my feelings online to the world I am a weirdo and I never heard from her again. Anne wasn't quiet as bad she simple said "I advise you not to".

Spent most of today chilling out I felt incredibly tired finished reading "The Waste Lands" It was a pretty good read King is a master of misdirection keeps you interested in the whys and wherefores.

Managed to make it to the gym for cardio session I found it incredibly hard to get there and harder still to make it through an hour of cardio but by the end as usual I felt much the better for it.

Spent some time today speaking to another Belarusian girl. Her name is Anna and she is currently on work experience in Bristol from her studies in Berlin. Se was most incensed I referred to a Russian village and not Belarusian one. So I went through and made some amendments. She did sent me some wonderful pictures of her home town and tell me a few more stories which was really nice. ICQ can be a wonderful medium sometimes.

Talking of why caught the first episode of the third of Lost, arghh nothing answered just more questions and only 3 characters its going to be another long but enjoyable series.

This evening watched a film Thank you for not smoking which a truly brilliant film dark funny and original. Well worth a watch whether you're a smoker or not it puts a different perspective on the debates. Part of the film is about the character that is the face for big tobacco Nick, he is an unashamed capitalist.

Out of Routine

I was a bit unhappy tired and drunk the other night, I contemplated deleting the post but given that statcounter shows quiet a few people have already read it I might as well it. To be honest some of the sentiment is true I spent six months cultivating an insane relationship with a girl in another country only to have it fail. I guess I should take away the good times I have had and move on try to find happiness closer to home.

I feel exhausted this morning building the internet cafe was a lot harder than we imagined. A series of last minute problems meant that although by 2 O'Clock we thought we were nearly finished, we didn't actually leave the ICC until 8:30pm. Then went for a curry courtesy of Jim then Bruce drove back to Manchester arrived about 12:30 I felt very tired went to bed.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Internet Cafe

Today set up an internet cafe in the Birmingham ICC, starting at 8am Loading the car at Phil's house. I am actually sending this post from one of the internet computers here. Apologies for the poor quality photos but they were taken on my phone.
We had a few last minute problems and ended up having to rebuild the Smoothwall box, it normally runs headless and we didn't have a monitor so we had to borrow the plamsa screen from one of the displays.

Friday, October 06, 2006


Recently I have had too obsessions both must end. Its time for a new me to emerge, once a long time ago Bruce said to me "I went away and when I returned it was like meeting John Version 2". Bruce was refering to the change in me caused by meeting Jenny, well today I think its time for another new version. I hit an impasse today I wrote a long message to Maia basically asking her how could she haved loved Mattius aka plastic fantastic and not me. Could ever be the one?

Then I realised I have already let her go, already admitted to myself she loved someone else. If thats true all other questions are irrelivent so why ask. only to torture myself. It is time to move on to forget to remember the good and forget everything else. Maia showed my something that I could feel more, that I could meet someone who made me feel that I was whole. Her life has been far harder than mine I have to right to ask anything of her she showed me more kindness than most.

So now I am John version 3 tring to find a new path, I need to change remember those happy feelings and not settle for less (I dont think inm my heart I can anymore). Tonight I went for a quiz with work, we came 4th its finishing at 9 I walked home stopping off for a few more drinks and realisation started to dawn. I have to give up I cant waste my life longing for the impossible I need to take the good bits and move on. I will be 27 in November once upon a time I talked about having kids before I was 30 I doubt that now perhaps thats a life not for me I no longer know. All I do no is I cannot go on dreaming I need to push ahead start going back to the gym start feeling happy and positive remember the fun times and forget this darkness that I feel I am drowning in.

This is probably all drivel I am a little drunk and nonsensical. Tomorrow I am going to help Phil build at internet cafe hopefully it will help take my mind off everything.


Lulu is back off her trip just caught her I as turned on my pc before work. She was telling me about some of the things she saw including the grave of an ancient king from the Zhuo dynasty in it were buried horses and chariots. It is said only the king could have six-horse chariot
She told me it was moon fesival time and that reminded me back to the frist SMS message I received from China (form her) it feels like yesterday but it was years ago.

I cant wiat for Shanghai it should be out of this world.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Nice to be out

Work was a lot better today I took the initiative and moved onto something different, handed one of my problems to a senior collegue who kind of agreed with me so we might be able to get somewhere now.

Most amusing thing today was watching (for the first time in two years) a traffic warden coming round Wilmslow ticketing all the people parked illegally, unlucky people in overpriced 4x4 parked illegally.

Saw a great tagline today For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.. I think I've seen it before but still made me chuckle.
Wimped out of the gym and given I am going to a works quiz night tomorrow and out to Birmingham on Saturday wont get another chance until Sunday lazy me.

The picture of me hugging a bear finally arrived from Belarus, its really funny Maia looks terrified!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Fast as you can

Felt very de-motivated at work today, our compitors were in a bullish mood laughing and joking with the management. I was left with a problem which I couldnt get to the bottom of I feel like my skills are wasting not improving and I am not sure what I can do about it. The lack of management leadership and training coupled with growing disquite from the customer have conspired to destroy my confidence and motivation.

To counter this blackness I managed to get back to the gym only did a cardio session 45minutes jogging and 15 minutes on the bike it was increadibly hard work I dont know if its the break or the illness I had whilst I was away in Belarus. Hopefully I will quickly manage to get back into the swing. It was important to go just to get back it took a lot of effort because I knew it would be hard. The gym hasn't changed at all the smells, the vaugly familer people I have seen so many times and yet never spoken to, the vague feeling of unreality of running round the track, travelling without moving almost.

Tonight I have been working with Bruce trying to get the new webserver going its proving slightly difficult because we want it to be a lot better st up than the last one. In the end gave up and went to the pub try again another day.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Alone In Kyoto

Japanese class was pretty damn difficult, I missed the last two lessons and dispite my efforts to keep up I am finding it very difficult to learn the Katakana alphabet. I guess I also found it hard to learn the English alphabet as a kid too I remember hours of writing practise not like my hand writing ever got particuarly good. I am determined to carry on and improve though I am totally fed up of being a typical ignorent Englishman incapable of speaking another langague.

Finally got hold of the special cable for doing the sever it cost £20 plus shipping dispite being the crappest flimsyest thing I have seen it is good enough to get the server up and running so hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can migrate all the websites to a better faster computer. I also found I needed IBMs special server administration disk to set up the RAID controller, a bit annoying as it meant downloading 600MB just to change two settings!

Also on computer front finally got my replacement battery from Apple so hopefully I wont go up in smoke now!

I need to get back to the gym I haven't been since before I left for Belarus and since I got back I felt ill then tired but its no use I need to get back into it or Ill get fat(er). Think Ill pack my gym bag and go after work do some cardio to help get back into the swing of things.

World of Work

Dispite passing out and throwing up in front of my boss somehow my dad managed to secure a part time job with my company. Fortunatly we dont have to work together for the forseeable to be honest I seriously doubt I will ever work on any other project again.

Its good for him to get some work to me it was a sign of how messed up the world is that someone so intellegnet can be left on the sidelines. It was a strange feeling though hearing him talking about my collegues he met and will be working with. About some of the work I have discussed or heard being discuessed. For the moment I guess Ill just have to reserve judgment and hope he enjoys it.

I have Japanese class tonight I am a little bit worried having missed the last two ones I went through the notes with Phil and hopefully I will be able to pick up what I have missed. I was chatting to some random Lituanian girl last night she seemed to think Japanese was the most pointless langauge to learn, I disagree its still the worlds second largest economy and culturally interesting place. Plus if I can learn Japanese I can learn any language.

I wish my parents would finish up decoating already its been over 6 mnoths since I have a lounge or a tv we can use the heating because there are so many radiators disconnected and its getting colder here.

Monday, October 02, 2006

How to dismantle an atomic bomb

Just in case you are ever in a situation in which you need to dismantle and atomic bomb

A quiet drink with Ian

Clearly there is no such thing, as a quiet drink when Ian is involved. Sunday night and Ian tempts me out. Instead of being smart, taking it easy and getting to bed I drank sambuka beer vodka.
It was actually quiet fun but I feel like I could die this morning.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Have a cigar

I am listening to Pink Floyd whilst I do a few little bits to my site I have been meaning to do forever but never got around to. Firstly I have tried to move all the older photo galleries so everything is in coppermine rather than in the old web gen albums I used to use. Its incredibly tedious but it is weird to see some of the old photos I have my camera for 4 years now quiet weird I remember so vividly the excitment of buying it I have wnated one for so long. Now its old and I am usually slightly ashamed at how big and clunky it looks but regardless I have taken some great shots.

Last night I went round to Bergers house to play monopoly and drink beer. As usual I felt like I was being constantly analysed by Holly, I also feel that she draws far too many conclusion quickly. Yes I like games I get excited to win does that say a lot about me? I think not really competition is natural in a darwinian being such as we are does it say something deep about my soul I am sure you could drawn a lot of conclusion some true some not the trouble with people is dispite all we know we are unpredicatble things at the best of times.

I miss Maia terribly miss the ability to sit and chat for hours to feel totally at peace. Her ability to keep me completly abosrbed whilst she talked, I wonder constantly what would have happened if things had been different if I had gone out to see her sooner? Would I be like her Italian is to her now? Or did we get on so well because I didnt push a romantic connection. Of course its impossible to know and I can only drive myself insane with the questioning. I need to forget and move on stop chasing such impossible and idealised dreams.