Friday night

Once upon a time Friday night used to mean party night each one spent at the footage or 5 Avenue or 42nd street. Recently Friday night means a break from work, too tired or cowardly to still make it out into town.
Nowadays I seem to be lucky to make it out to the unicorn for a few drinks before tiredness overtakes me. Lucking at the girls I will never have, feeling more and more alone and wondering why nothing ever happens for me.

Tonight I chatted about money and the FTSE because its something I know a little about I guess I am becoming more divorce from what "normal people" are interested in. I hate evening they always seem t hold a mirror up to me which reflects back all my faults, why do I always go to sleep alone is their no one out there that could love someone like me?

Nick invited me over before but I went to the unicorn instead I wonder which would have been more torturous. Being with Nick and Beck as a gooseberry, or sat at the Unicorn watching Claire. Academic anyway, I feel so dark tonight. What is the point of this sort of life? There is no future, no love only existence. I am I coward for continuing or is it the right thing to do?

What's a pound of flesh between friends?

I wanted to post last night but for some bizarre reason I couldn't get onto blogger.

Last night I went to see Regina Spektor at academy 3 in Manchester it was a truly amazing event Regina was completely captivating, vocally brilliant and talented piano and guitarist. She did a pretty great set mixing old of new from the sublime carbon monoxide to out There was a phenomenal crowd all in all on of the best gigs I have ever been to. If you're wondering the title of this article is a line from one of the songs. I really hope she is successful, and comes back to Manchester again soon.

I am so glad this week is over my head has been taxed to the limit by long days and complicated programs; I think I am finally getting to the bottom of things.

As I write this there is a program on channel 4 about pensions it's made me quite angry according to the program council tax rises are mostly to blame on central government putting the pension black hole onto local government causing council tax rises. Over 26% of council tax goes to pay civil service pensions!!

Right I am off out for a drink with Phil and Bruce laters all

LETTER ARRIVED~

finally got your letter! sooooooo happy this morning~
i love that goat and that lovely chinese character, really a good job, where did you get it by the way? n__n
thanks so much i like your letter, i'll keep it and lets see if we exchanged one letter every year how many of them i would get from cookie... hehe, maybe you can even improve your handwriting gradually ;-)

Longs days and Computer repairs

Today was an up and down day, good things included getting an email from an old colleague it was great to hear from Becky M. Also went round to the chief's house Emily Chiefs girlfriend is having Pc trouble, managed to save her data even though I think the pc is a total write off, either a motherboard of CPU failure. At least I managed to save her university work and get Andy's PC on the net so at least its all usable.

Work was a real pain today I went in early so I could leave and be in Manchester in time for the British Computer Society, Turing lecture. However thanks to a business reorganisation which wasn't even mentioned until 3.30 I had to make a series of quick system changes and left late, I also have to go in early tomorrow 8am in stead of the usual 9, at least the changes fairly straight forward hopefully won't be too difficult to

I have just installed the Mac version of Google and have been looking at Shanghai on Google Earth (whist listening to the latest c64 takeaway podcast) I wasn't able to find the address of Lulu's work, perhaps if your reading this Lulu you can post me a place location? I must say the Mac version is very slow. My Powerbook not very powerful but then again neither is my work laptop and that runs Google Earth without any problems.

The Most Depressing Time of Year

Apparently scientists believe this is the most depressing time of year, a number of factors including financial (Christmas overspend), psychological (new years resolutions broken) and environmental (bad weather) combine to make January a very dull month. I think this effect might have aught up with me I feel irrationally depressed at the moment, on the face of it I have had a pleasant evening with Mike and Ali. After going to the gym I popped over to install some software on Mikes PC, I was invited to dinner, and had a tasty meal. I got to see Frank the Dashound, who is pretty cute, but somehow I came away feeling upset. Somewhere at the back of my mind the darkness inside pushed it way to the fore drowning out my feelings dulling logic until all I felt is alone.

I left and came home alone to sleep alone, in my little corner or my parent's house cold tired unfulfilled and uncertain about the future. The darkness and paranoia worsen did he invite me because I am cheap, is my worth only measurable by the favours I can do for people. The more agonising why do I fee like this?

Now I sit alone and cold wondering what is wrong why can';t I find happiness am I strange or worse am I crazy I am not sure I even know who I am anymore. I have always worked towards a goal now stuck in a job with seemingly no future, as my friend are finding who they are and who they want to be with I am more alone than I have ever been. I think about the people I chat to online and realise only a couple I have ever met in persons. Some refuse, and yet I do not more on, with others seem like we are close but when it gets down to it we could not be further apart.

I must change I must find a new way living like this is tearing me apart each day I step further into the machine just another pawn another cog in the machine. I was never popular at school in fact other than Phil I no longer am in touch with anyone from school or college, neither do I see anyone from university, Salma talks to me sometimes but it always seem like she wants to get away back to her friends.

Crash Screens

Found these whilst going through some photos I found these amusing crash screens photos by myself and Bruce. Unfortunatly they were all taken with camera phones so please excuse the poor quality.

The first photo was taken at Manchester airport by Bruce looks like they use Mandrivia there.

 

Photo 2 is of a Nationwide cash machine. It looks like somethings gone wrong.

 

I took this one at a service station was amausing walking to be confronted by in on the big plasma.

More Linux, and Lost

I felt so tired waking up this morning; fortunately to cheer me up I received Lulu's new year card today, was such a welcome surprise hiding in amongst my junk mail. It was lovely to read and made me smile a lot. I wish I had been able to put the same level of sentiment into my letter t her I guess I am just not as good at expressing my feelings as she.

I decided to do something productive with my, so I read some of my latest buy does anything eat wasps a book published from the last word articles from the back of New Scientist. There are some really freaking / interesting questions and answers well worth an afternoon read. I also managed to clean the layer of dirt off my car its black again now!

After that I went to the gym for my first weights routine of 2006, a month off weights certainly makes a massive difference I was a lot weaker, hopefully I should be able to build back up fairly rapidly though.
I the evening Bruce and Phil came over we upgraded the memory in the terminal tournaments server and also built a new Linux kernel optimised for the server. Hopefully this will give a significant performance benefit. I also started downloading a fresh steam installation in an effort to fix the weird start-up issues we had at the last Lan. The next one should probably be the biggest yet with a load of returnees who couldn't make it to the Christmas bash and some of the new Christmas players coming back for more. I can't wait!

Whilst it was downloading we watched episodes 10 and 11 of lost series two, I know I have said it before but lost is getting more and more weird diverging from what I liked about it in the first place. It's still enjoyable to watch just not quiet as cool as series one. We also watched a bizarre Japanese film called Dead or Alive it was violent weird and visual Phil's going to have a great time when he visits there in March.

Martins PVR

Its been a long, long week at work. I have been trying to decipher a lenders calculations. It has kept me very busy both at work and some nights at home. My January of cutting down drinking meaning I have been going out much less.

Today was successful in a couple of ways, firstly with Keith's help finally managed to get my APR to match the banks so hopefully that can be tested next week. in parallel we have attempted to tick off a couple of annoying bugs for the workflow project..

Then in the evening went round to Martins house to have a look at building a PVR. Some time last year we stared installing SuSE on and old AMD 800 with a Hauppauge PVR 350, at first tried SuSE 9 which for various reasons never really worked since then about 5 months ago its sat in the corner of Martins lounge. He has been rumbling about installing media centre so I decided fuck it I will get Linux working especially after recent successes with SuSE 10 on my laptop and Debian on the various servers.

So one SuSE installation later and hours spent pissing about with various guides found ivtvs own install guides the most useful. Unfortunately SuSE 10 comes with old ivtv drivers which didn’t work with the extracted firmware, and worse SuSE 10 comes with GCC 4 which wont compile ivtv new drivers, so after several hours I gave up on SuSE as a bust. Fortunately Januarys edition of Linux format had a Mythtv special and they recommended knoppmyth a version of Knoppix especially configured to run myth tv. One download later and it was installing, the install is a little rough round the edges simply wiping out whatever is on the driver (which was ok in our case). The system installs runs through a series of configurations dialogues which guide setting up Mythtv. The setup is mostly command line based, but fairly straightforward. A couple of bugs later and I was in the myth setup I chose the card and the TV guide feed restarted the interface and hey presto working myth. Event the remote that came with the card worked yay!

There was an issue with the XML download for the TV guide not working but given it was 1.30am and I was tired I decided to call it a night. At least the PVR works recording pausing live TV and all that.

Whilst that was going on Martin Jim (Phil's Brother) and Endo were building and testing Endo's speakers with Clio what a weird program it does various tests on speakers all very cool.

funny dressing link ;-)

have to post a new blog as i couldn't do the comment for no reason :"(
just read your "Coding Hell" and clicked into that dressing room link, it was pretty funny. that dance was okay but now it has become a tool for creating the image of my prince charming, like his hair, eyes, nose, lip and what he dresses~~~ so interesting! :DDD

Coding Hell

Sometimes the world can be a very weird place, In my function as a code monkey I have dome some pretty boring stuff. This week I have mostly been busy writing a system which calculates apr and repayments changes them in fact so they are much less accurate! Believe it or not one of the lenders systems it actually less accurate than ours and they refuse to believe our figures so I have been copiing their web calculator which as far as I can see has three major areas in which mathmatically it is far less preceise than advances. Apart from the fact its very difficult to follow the mess of java script and bizzaro way in which they round figures or choose not to round others; division by 12 on a number which is not divisable by three leaving trailing 3 or 6 into infinty is not smart.
Anyway I am fed up this has taken so long and my figures still don't match they rubbish its driving me to distraction. Add into that the volume of work sat for me to do and its not a very happy John writing this.

Rant over, Liz sent me a funny link to dressing room website which made me smile, thanks.

Other amusment includes my boss and his son also on staff entering the London marathon, I hope theyy make it must be some serious training going on they neither struck me as the marathon type, but I wish them luck wish I was fit or motivated enough. Even the Manchester 10k seemed scary to me.

Becky's Birthday

To celebrate Becky's 24th birthday (pictures here) we went to the Merlin bar / restaurant in Alderley Edge. It was a great evening, eating too much, drinking too much chatting and generally having fun. The food was excellent; I had a Salmon Wasabi dish, and a Chicken and Spice ham pasta dish with were excellent and I feel well stuffed now. It's a good job I managed to get to the gym for a run today. Hopefully the intake / output evens out somewhere…

Becky Nick's girlfriend has been talking about how she loves the Caribbean for a while. So I bought her a Lonely Planet Caribbean guide and highlighted the Antigua section, she was amused and liked it I think. Nick on the other hand thinks it's going to cause him to spend money. Personally I don't think Nick needs anymore reason to hoard money, he needs to learn to enjoy life a little more.

Website Madness

Spent the evening working on Ian website, Zanshin (in case you are wondering it Japanese for "fighting spirit", the business is mobile bartending and flair hence the spirit ;-) I think it looks a lot better now some subtle changes and a load more images. So its not all text now, please give me your thoughts.

Work dragged today got a problem hidden away in the depths of the system, the lenders have started to introduce deferred products in which you get a holiday period before repayments begin, unfortunatly as usual each lender does it in a slightly different way causeing me headaches.

Posted my return letter to the sudent loans company and a begging letter to Business Link to see if they will confirm my payments, I really think it should be the SLCs responsibility but hey who am I to comment just another government shambles.

Men are from Mars

Ah blogging, I dont think I have ever done anything as contnsious as starting off this blog. So far I have managed to upset two exs, a friend, and even some random weirdo off the net who took exception to something I said.

Tonight I spent a good hour talking to one of the exs (via msn) it was a very long drawn out and painful conversation, of which there was no real point. Whilst we might have esablished she was out of order, that niether of us communicated and that I cannot read directions, it just added to the misery. I didnt want to go over those feeling again, I felt angry and upset enough at the time without having to remind myself about it all, at this later date.

I guess maybe I am just not meant to be in a relationship, when look at Nick and Becky or Bruce and Nina I can see all the great things about relationships but could I really compromise so much? I have done the dutiful boyfriend stuff and had it thrown in my face far too often, I am not enough of a bastard to treat someone else like crap (though from what I have seen a lot of girls confuse this for love go figure!) . I suppose time and space and maybe losing a few pounds will help me feel better, I also really would like to get my own place so I dont have the embarressment of telling people I live with my parents, its not really cool at 26, but thats a whole other blog in itself.

Back to the Gym

Finally managed to get back to the gym=, only did a cardio session but its a start. I can't believe how busy it was, I know I say so each year but really this January is the busiest I have ever seen the place I almost had to queue for a running machine!

Work has been going quiet well touch wood, look like I am finally getting into the flow properly it only taken 18 months. Only problem is the imminent switch to ProvideX might put me right back to the beginning again. Today I got my Basic to XSL stylesheet program working it should plugin to Mikes webservice and make quiet a competant little system for exchanging data.

Bruce and I did some work on a database design for a new Sirco system, I think I proved once again I am actually quiet good at designing databases ;-)

More John Cooke Madness

In this mornings email contact from another John Cooke

Hi John

Isn't it amazing how many John Cooke's there are in the world! Maybe we should start a club and hold a convention in Australia one year? It wouldn't matter how many beers were consumed, no one would forget anyone else's name, or variations on it - Cookie, JC, Cookster, Cookemeister etc. Keep up the good work Cookie!

Cheers
John

Sounds like a plan to me any excuse to go to Australia and get drunk

Student Loan Woes

In response to my letter asking where the money taken out of my wages is actually going, the Student Loans Company simply wrote back and asked me to confirm the information by sending my payslips. Strangely enough I thought they would offer to do their job and sort out the mess with the inland revenue, No such luck! Now I am forced to write back to the SLC with copies of the payslips I have, and the inland revenue as they hold some of my payslips due to a prior cock up (on their part). As a precaution I have also written to business link to see if they will detail my payments whilst in their employment. Oh well hopefully work wont mind me photo coping a years worth of payslips.

Post 100

Todays post is a milestone, I am amazed at myself sticking at this for so long now, 100 posts its incredible normally I lose interest and stop after a couple of goes. Spurred on by Lulu, and a few other people I have tried hard to put some real emotion enrgy and I hope some decent writing onto the my website.

Phils Despair calendar lasted only one day by Wednesday morning it had been quietly taken down and returned to my desk. Nevermind everyone was amused by it and we all had a look at the funny items on it before I took it home and put it up in my bedroom. Andrew has the daily dilbert calendar which is equally as good and allowable in our office.

I finally got an interesting piece of software to work on abiet briefly Mike D has designed a web service to allow xml results to be pst and results returned from advances to the outside world this is vastly superior to the current clunky interface. I got to write a basic stylesheet outputter which was actually kind of interesting a lot more so than fixing bugs in the archaic notes system.

Its satuday and one week on I still feel rough as hell worse both my dad and Bruce have succumbed to the mystery illness its a real pain. I am really missing being able to exercise and I could very much do with getting into it soon, Christmas was a bad time for my diet and I have put on a few kilos. I did manage to eat pretty heathly this week though so that is a bonus. I have replaced chocolate and chrips with fruit and nuts so that should help a little also I have cut down meal portions and snacks its actually easier at work not to snack on things than whilst I am at home.

Today I got totally ripped off by my local pet store I had to replace some of the filters on my fish tank, it wa quiet urgent I do not want to let the tank get behind the cleaning schedual its very bad for the fish and plants in their so I paid twice the normal price from the internet shops to by the carbon filters :-S

Phil came over last night, we were both feeling under the weather still so we rented a few films including land of the dead (pretty good) Napolean Dynamite (offbeat American humor) and the excellent Hotel Rwanda. After seeing Don Cheadle in both Hotel Rwanda and Crash I must say he is a really excellent actor. As I write this though Phil is off skiing with his dad in Austria lucky sod.

Hope you enjoyed post 100!

Back to work

Today wasnt too bad I mostly worked on some documentation rather than coding got a project to docuemtn how a group of programs works. Its actually quiet a large program and might take some time.
I am still feeling under the weather my throats still really sore no fun at all I hope that it will start to clear up in the near future. Chatted to a my German bloke this evening he icq me I have no idea why, to be honest he was by far the rudest german I have ever met whilst I was travelling I met some really great people from Germany, I really hope the level of racism he had isnt indicative of other it was really rather nasty. I guess you do meet a lot of weirdos online me for example ;-) I also managed to catch Sweeny Todd, pretty nasty slitting peoles throats a good dramitisation by the BBC though.
Right I am off to bed I try and get rid of this cold.

Student Loan :-S

Today I decided I would finally do something about my student loan problems. I gathered together all the information I had and contact the student loan company (SLC) with my figures.

The last statement I had from the SLC was in 2004 Nearly two years ago before I started making repayments. Since then I have started working and have had payments deducted from my wages. Both whilst I was work for Business Link and later at Tbred. I decided to try and work out what I had paid off
In the last few days I have phoned the SLC several times to ask how much they thought I currently owed. One time I tried to phone the operator hung up on me after I had been waiting for absolutely ages. Again I had to wait eventually getting put through to someone who said she couldn’t quote over the phone but would send out a valuation.

The valuation arrived in the post a few days later it showed no record of any payment so I phoned up to query this and was told the Inland Revenue has not passed any details of payments on. Personally I think this is appalling I dread to think what sort of punishment the FSA would hand out to one of our lenders if they told a customer that they were waiting for a third party before they could record details of payments.

I decided to work it all out for myself and send them a littler with all the details in. I had to work with slightly incomplete records as the tax office never returned some of the pay slips I sent when they were calculating my tax rebate. Tto make matters more confusing business link I made several payments based on the old threshold of earning over £10,000 not the current £15,000 threshold.

Regardless when I totted up what I have paid it equates to about 10% of my total student loan. I would say is a significant chunk, given II am being charge about £30 a month interest and this is compounding upwards I am losing out heavily for there mistakes in effect currently I have paid extra tax which has had no benefit whatsoever on my financial position.

I have forwarded a letter with photocopies of my remaining payslips and P60's in the hope it will help them sort out the problems. If not I will try writing to my MP as a Liberal he should be against tuition fees and this is a nice case against them I think. I mean what the heck sort of system takes money out of people's wages specifically to pay for their loans and the money never arrives.

Crash

Today was the last day of my Christmas holidays tomorrow I return to work, I feel quite a lot better today thankfully, though I could use another week off. I have defiantly put n weight the end of my holiday mean the start of my diet, I doubt I will be well enough to hit the gym tomorrow and its probably best given the gym will most likely be packed out with people who want to lose weight for New Year, it usually calms down by March.


Today I spent my time watching the first series of The Shield which is pretty damn good I mean its just the same old cops show but with very strong casting and characterisation and a couple of twists take it further down the trail blazed by NYPD blue, Homicide life on the streets and Hill Street Blues but with a post modern look at the characters take VIC he is a bad cop who at the same time has a sense of justice so strong that when the strike team set up the wrong guy Vic goes to any length to sort the mess out.

Tonight rented crash from the video store, it was third time lucky the last two times I have been to get a movie crash has been fully rented out tonight in fact I got the last copy. I can see why it is so popular its in the magnolia style of blending stories from different characters together, it main focus is the complex nature of people racial beliefs, with a subtext of how our actions cascade and affect other peoples lives. I wont try and break it down any more than this phenomenal quote from Matt Dillon "You think you know who you are. You have no idea." Its an excellent watch though one which requires a little attention defiantly needs focus, but worthwhile.

Ill on New Year :-(

I get ill quiet a lot I clearly my immune system is not my greatest asset that being said I wasn't really surprised to fall ill on new years eve. In fact I have been surprised I wasn't Ill earlier the number of people I have been around with colds and the flu recently.

My original plan had been to go to London with Paul. That fell through then the plan was to go down to Leamington Spa and spend New Years with Paul, unfortunately I felt too ill to drive and checked on the price of a train ticket which turned out to be £68 far too much to shell out for one ill night at Paul's given I can drive to Leamington and back on less than £40 of diesel.

Instead I spent New Years Eve 2005 at home after having a rather pleasant curry with my parents, watching TV and for the actual midnight moment I watched the fireworks. I have to admid any fireworks show after the millennium is always going to be a let let down, but it was an impressive sight. The whole sky lit up by thousands of fireworks pops and bangs continuously exploding all over the sky. Even the sentimental I sat outside for about 15 minutes watching it all, I guess its as close to a war zone sound effects track as I ever wish to get.

I did manage to get quiet drunk on Martin Christmas present of grolsh beer, and managed to text virtually everyone in my phone, an annoyingly small number of people replied. It was nice to hear from Bex even though it was only to tell me how happy and in love she was. Pleased as I am for her, its sometimes hard to hear other people are so happy when you are feeling sad. Given she was by far and away the nicest girl I met on internet dating I would prefer to be the one making her happy oh well she was out of my league anyway.

Werid Day

Two very weird unrelated things happened today, one which I cannot talk about publically yet but I will do in due course. The other Nikkie contacting me. Basically she had somehow come across my blog and like Liz before her taken exception to the post I wrote about her. I do care that she was upset, but it dosnt change the fact that how I felt at the time, I wa ery upset at the way she treated me mostly because yes I did like her perhaps we got our wires crossed somewhat but she is not an easy person to talk to. Anyway it was all a bit weird being as the post was months old and the feeling have more or less dissapated since then, in fact I had pretty much put her out of my mind until she messaged me about her computer the other day. I guess Nikkie and Liz are two opposites with Liz I felt like I could talk about anything but I never felt like a equal with Nikkie I felt attraction but in both cases any relationship failed.

I origonally wrote a synopsys of our relationship here but you dont want to read it and in writing it I realised I didnt want to dredge through the past.

Played some counter strike this evening, and spoke to Phil and Bruce about the lan they both feel that it was a success so perhaps I was being over sensative to people comments. However I am still not sure about the future Bruce is still thinking of ong the wireless, I think now if we do it we should do a damn decent job of it rather than bodged together ariels its got to look and function 100% or it will detract from the event.

Its new years eve tomorrow and because the London thing with Paul has collapsed I am now at a loose end I have no idea what to do. I could go join Ali Brooks party but that might just be tempting fate. Ive declined an invite from to Nick to go to Nicky and Neils party I do not really feel I get on with them well enough to spend new years at their house especially the mood I have been in recently.

Lantasic

Today was terminal tournaments VI was held today, personally I felt like it went badly, dispite the extra effort getting the server working it still wasnt right. I feel I have failed and came in for a lot of flack, I don't really feel like it was worth the effort I put in, perhaps I am just tired and pissed off, I dont know. Martin thinks it went well.
Got some random and franly unwelcome texts from Liz which really served to blacken my mood, its seems that dispite her intention I feel like she brings out the worst deamons in me. I have been very up an down recently trying to work out where my life is going I feel kind of like I am wasting my time going nowhere but at the same time I haven't really got a clue about what else I should be doing. I just want to have something more creative in my life, I see people like Paul and I want to be able to touch the hearts and minds of other people to be part of something more.
Its not that I hate what I do enotirly its somewhat stimulating, but I am working for something I don't really believe in after my own expeiences in dealing with money or lact of it. Talking of which today I was amazed that everyone around me can afford so many gadgets and gizmos, is it that I am poorer that I dont have a £700 tft monitor or play station portable. Am I right to be saing my money away earning a few pound interest or hoping for stock market growth, should I be more like them making myself happy with the material, or should I be more like Nick finding my own wyas to profit. Should I even care so much about money.
So many things so much on my mind I also feel very alone, I take comfort in my friends both in the real world and the internet, they are leaving my though finding there own paths whilst I stay static. Typical me I end up feeling morose, I can never seem just to be happy.

Games games and more games

I didnt quiet make it the the gym today again as planned, last night I stayed up late watching taxi driver, subsequently slept in and missed the opportunity. I spent the rest of the day (and I do mean it been working on the servers since about midday up until about 10 minutes ago) getting the server ready for tomorrows lan party. Hopefully I will make it to the gym on Friday, definatly need a run feeling out of shape and fat today.
I now have a server with a fully configured Counter Strike including an addon of counter bet, new maps for the unreal 2004 server and half life two devicated multiplayer. As a final aside Quake four is running int tourney mode.
Hurrah finally we have al the games running int he correct way its taken five lans to get it right but today myself Phililp and Bruce iron out loads of little niggles and problems with the setup. There are still a few more cool tweaks to do but its more improvment rather than covering fuck ups.
Tommorrow is a bit of a make or break event if we cant run a decent day and get more people to turn up I think really it might be time to call time on the adventure it really does take an awful lot of organising and when people like Russell dont even bother to turn up anymore after being one of the main proponents of a lan its quiet disheartening.
I did manage to speak to Paul today he is back in Leamington with a cold London for New Years is off which is a bit of a pain but never mind. I offred to go to Leamington instead, I cannot seem much happening here Nick and Becs are going to Nicky and Neils. Bruce and Nina are having a get together, Ian, Faye and Wooler are working so I am at a bit of a loose end.

Boxing Day at Bruces

For everyone not in the UK boxing day might be a slightly strange concept (I think its celebrated in Commonwealth nations and a few other places). Anyway Boxing day the day after Christmas Day has some sort of significance thats slightly lost in the mysts of time, I have searched about but cannot find a definaive answer of what it all means something I think to do with the well healed giving presents to their workers.

Regardless a bit of our own Christmas tradition ha been for Phil and I to join Bruce and his family for a Boxing day meal, today was no exception having an evening meal which consisted well of lot of food, I have unfortunatly got eyes rather bigger than my stomach and I now feel like I might explode with rather unplesent consequences.

As another Christmas tradition we played monopoly, this year using Phils X-Men themed game, unfortunatly luck was not with me tonight and I lost heavily bankrupt. I hope thats not a sign for real life.

Paul did not turn up to collect his present if I am honet I didn"t expect him to when the choice was us or a gathering with Jo. When he mentione Ians name I knew there was little prospect, oh well.

There is a lan party in a few days I need to get prepared for that, I also need to do some exercise I have been very lazy the last few days. My arm is still a little sore though does finally if very slowly starting to get better. Hopefully in the new year I can get back to some weights.

Canada Link

While uploading the Christmas Photos I noticed a couple of new signups on the web

Name John Cooke
Bio Descendant of Irish and British grandparents, 2nd generation Canadian. Married with kids.
I just came across your site and thought to drop a line. I hope your summer is going to be as good as our's was...getting cold now...5 degrees.

How cool is that!

Yoda Doll

Lulu asked me what the heck a Yoda doll is so here we are ;-)
 

Sleigh bells ring are you listening?

Ouch my head hurts, I had far far too many drinks last night, its was a pretty up and down evening and no I don't mean my mood for once it was other people upset.

It's foggy and cold this morning I got up and opened my presents. I got a nice treat of Irish whiskey from Nina, a really cool John Peel book from Nick, an amazing tea selection from Bruce and a Yoda doll from Ian. Started reading it is like listening to home truths, he had a real way with words.

Started the evening by visiting Mike and Ali, they were in fine form having had a do for their other friends with kids, they had also somehow managed to nearly burn own their house by lighting a fire. Never mind was good to see them and Isabel briefly put in an appearance she wanted some food.

Wilmslow was very busy we had to queue up to get in the rectory, I was even asked to show my id! Once in though I had a few drinks to warm myself up. Jo and friends had arrived earlier so we joined them by the stairs, Holly seemed very unhappy I tried to chat to her but I am afraid I probably made the situation worse oops I really must learn when to keep my big mouth shut.

As usual I had my camera with me and you can see all the pictures here

Bruce and Phil arrived after us and had to queue up for some time, but they finally made it in Bruce was on top form snappy away with his camera.

Alison Brook was out, and in an exuberant mood she managed to chat up a guy how trains at the gym regularly. I've somehow promised to do a kind of gym date with her, should be interesting.

Nick was also in a down mood, he has been doing a lot of long hours at work but he really didn't to bring out all that stress with him. Jesus the boy is doing so well for himself I wish I had half of his achievements, and Becky is such a lovely girl he really should try and be nice on night like this.

Went back to the Brook house afterward, and managed to get even more drunk hardly knew what I was saying nor doing by the end of the evening. I walked home in the cold damp and fog alcohol charged. First christmas of not smoking so that all good. Noticed Mike was back on the fags bad boy! Guess it harder to give up when you have done it for longer.

Christmas is coming

Went out last night, Martin and Squeeze Charlotte joined us, I found out she does in fact speak, and is very interesting. Most strange (for someone going out with Martin) was that she is a veggie! Nut cutlet for Christmas lunch anyone ;-)

Not really done much other than play civ and doss about, though its really nice to rest.

Going out tonight for the big night out, should be plenty of us going though not as many as origonally planned, Danny has decided to stay in Romely and go to the Piggy. Paul and Lisa will probably end up joining them as they have money / sleeping arrangement issues. Mike and Ali have Isobelle to look after so Nick, Becky and myself will be going round early to say hello should be nice hardly see them anymore. I guess its ture what they say kids turn perfectly normal people into parents ;-)

Backup

You know how people never take their own advice, for example when I was a systems administrator for Business Link I had a real go at someone for not backing up his important data (he did end up costing the company £500+ for data recovery). However I have a dark secret, I haven't backed up my data since my I went to Australia, before I left I move my dvd writer to my dads pc and its stayed there ever since. I have kept meaning to move it back but in the end I just gave up and bought myself a new one. Also got myself a copy of the excellent Nero 7 and burned a huge six dvd backup set of my computer. I even spurred my dad into action, hurrah I at least it my hard disk crashes now I won't cry at the loss of all my photos.

I felt so tired today I should have gone to the gym but I wimped out I am really getting lazy, I think I need a project to get suck into. I started reading Bruce Eckels Thinking in C++ which so far seems a pretty excellent guide on how to mangage programming projects I havent got onto any coding yet though.

I wondered whether I should do a rewrite of wildflower take back the project and put it for sale on a shareware site, however I am not sure how the old man would feel about that given he tool over it when I went to Australia. Oh it seems so long ago I talk and think about it as if it were yesterday but its constantly fading into memory.

Happiness Is a Warm Gun

Why? Well this is probably my most played Beatles track, I know its not a Lennon McCartney, but then that’s part of the fun its different and it makes me happy, I always Imagine some redneck American when I hear the lyrics, when I hold you in my arms and I fell my finger on your trigger it speaks to me about the differences between the UK and the US, silly but reassuring.

I have tried to be more positive the past few days been really dark recently far too much pain for me to take its been hard trying o focus on things that make me happy, exercise I guess self improvement, going for a run always seem to help thought I find it hard to take the first step.

Today I helped Nina move out of her flat, wasn’t too hard really just helped Bruce move a couple of heavy things downstairs to the car then into Nina’s lockup. Personally I don't really understand the whole storage Ideal in my world you need something or your don't and if you don’t then you bin or sell it no pay 16 / week to store it. However I guess sentimental and practical takes over on some level so it’s stored for when it’s needed.

Fridays, was very naughty this evening and had a meal at Fridays, I didn’t do a Bruce he ordered the biggest burger on the menu but I did eat enough, looks like I will never lose weight unless I really learn some new displace.

Tonight I went to see Sandbox at the Academy 3 and they were excellent the best I have seen them for ages, confident and exuberant, their rendition of slades merry Xmas was an excellent finish to a year that has seen them grow and change. Unfortunately, due to a number of factors including the number of people their and the amount I drank I didn't really feel at home after show. I guess I will always be more of a flanboy than a mate o the musical set, I mean really what could I possibly bring to the show. Andy did manage to hit me in the face with his drumstick though that was slightly painful!

Dan, Phil and Bruce wanted to get off, I kind of would have like to stay around there seemed to be a few pretty chicks including one really nice blond girl I would have loved to have met but I guess it wasn’t to be, it never is.
Bruce was drunk I think one of the few times I have seen him drink and enjoy himself; he was really having a go at Danny which was quite funny. Danny was in a funny mood continuing his messy split from Lyn and beyond I find it very hard to connect with him anymore I have always put substance before style and he is very much the inverse, this seems to have been accelerating in recent times. I guess this is what happens friends growing apart lives changing tack.

My name is modesty

The title of today's weblog is a film this one sponsored by Quentin Tarentino. I went to blockbuster and yet again all the copies of crash were rented out so rented this instead. Not a bad film quit clever but clearly low budget Not sure how Tarentino got his name on there I guess he is sponsoring it somehow. It was a pretty decent budget film if a little short of on action.

Not really done much today went to Andy&s to pick up tickets, always a treat seeing those guys they are a lot different to most of my other friends and Emily reminds me a lot of being at university surrounded by clever people always only minutes away from an interesting conversation with someone with a view of things.

I am avoiding talking about my depression, god I have felt down the last couple of days, been really moaning to a couple of people thanks for your support you know who you are. I don’t know what it is but I really feel low, like everything i crashing down on me. Maybe not crashing down, more that I hold an idea of a good man, and he is but a shadow someone I will never be. So far today I have moaned onto Liz, Salma, Mel, Phil and Lulu. In fact I am talking to Lulu as I write this.

Why am I so sad, there lot of good in my life? Yet through it all I feel I am doing too little, too much playing games too little trying to improve. I should spend my time more productively instead I play games and mess about. Yet thought I struggle to change little happens what happened to the man so full of promise, once I felt I could do anything now I cant even solve simple problems at work without help.

Today I talked to lulu about the Korean war, after she was telling me about the North Korean TV she likes. I explained how it how it changed the world leading the the Truman doctrine of opposition to Communism everywhere in the world. Also General MacArthur's Idea that nuclear weapons should be used against China I also found on Wikipedia that more napalm was dropped on North Korea despite the fact the war was shorter. Atrocities on both sides the Americans blindly killing anyone who moved and the Chinese torturing people. I am glad (Iraq war aside) I don't live in an age of war I am not sure how I could face such a situation.

RIP Mel Horton

Living so close to work and with my dad working from home I often nip home at lunch, today as I arrived home there was an ambulance outside my house, I parked up and found my dad sat in Stuarts car he told me my neighbour Mel had died. To be honest driving up I half thought it was my dad that had been taken ill so I was in a selfiish way relieved it was her not him.

The Horton family has lived in woodford for a long long time, they have been my dads neighbours virtually his whole life, but over the last few years the Mels dad Fred his Wife and Sister have all died. Its been sad losing familiar people, good neighbours I think Stuart Mels brother was very upset. She wasnt old 52 I think but she had drunk and smoked away a lot of her life so I suppose it wasnt totally unexpected.

Its going to mean new neighbours next door, its the last remaining council owned house on the road so the end of an era in more ways than one.

This evening I wanted to forget all about it so I went to the unicorn with Phil and guess what my "favorite" serving girl was on, yes you guessed it Clair. I feel like I cant let her know so hurt me but at the same time I guess I still find her attractive but she makes me so angry. As I was talking to her at the bar I reliased it been over a 18 months since that night you would have thought I would be over it by now? Everytime I see her though that same confusing mix of emotions.

Rather than deal with ti I got drunk with Phil and walked back to my house, played Civ for a bit then went to be alone.

Weird evening

After yet another difficult day of digging through code with little success, I was feeling pretty tired, buit I still managed a run after work.

My mums christmas present (a fancy Siemens coffee maker) arrived and was opened and set by the time I made it home, she seemed pretty pleased I guess, and it does at leat make great coffee apart form just looking good.

I went for a drink with Nick at the thieves, he was driving having the task of pickup up Becky from a works do. We were having a pint chatting about property trends I think I was deliverying some profound piece information I read in one of the papers, when suddenly a guy was ejected from the pub by one of the regulars. I think its the most excitment I have ever seen in the thieves. Looked like he was drunk acting like an idiot, seemed like the last straw he spilled beer on a guy coat and swore at him that was it Rubin Fielding grabbed the guy by the scruff of the neck an lobbed him out the door. For good measure another of the regulars gave him a clout round the head, good fun the farmers.

Afterward went back to the brook house, Ian and Faye were there Ian was complaining he had food posioning but personally I think he just ate too much. Having had food poisoning twice, it was pretty much the worse pain I have ever experienced i dont really think thats what Ians problem was.

The Comfort of Sadness

The title of today's blog is in honour of Paul, after watching his gig tonight at Jabez Clegg in Manchester I was thoroughly impressed. Sometimes whilst listening to music at a gig I feel the connection like the lyrics and passion of the artists become more than the sum of their parts. I guess maybe I am just a sentimentalist I sometimes feel the music is for me and me alone, though rationally I know it's not just for a few moments... This was one of those nights, I was only sad there weren't more people there to appreciate it, and that I don't really have the words to describe it in detail. I really need to start carrying round something to write on there have been a few times recently when I have been in the moment thinking of some great things to write the description in my head excellent but later when I sit down to type the words fade away, that feeling of being in the moment no longer there to draw inspiration from.

Watching the gig though I couldn't help getting a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I really need to find a creative vent, I mean I fool myself that programming is an art even sometimes call myself a digital poet but really I spend the majority of my time doing very thankless support tweaks nothing laudable, I just wish I could find something that would make me as passionate as Paul is about music, something in which I am a creator not a follower. Writing this blog has reminded me that I actually do like writing and reading though I don always find the time to do it.

It was a great night all round really Woller was out, and Danny been I while since I last saw him, Chirs too. Sandbox came but had to leave before watching Paul, whilst I realise they have to practise for their gig next week I thought it was slightly off of them I know Paul has been to see many of their gigs and they should know better than anyone how nice it is to have core support.

Today I felt so tired I had insomnia last night barley got any sleep, it seems to be happening more frequently recently, only a couple more days of work left I can't wait the last few days have seen me wading through other people spaghetti code trying to make small changes as part of the workflow project. Its quiet difficult and tedious work, and as M is away we really miss his knowledge of the system. Had a great launch with Bruce though he had the day off and met me in Wilmslow, it was really nice to get out of the office for a change.

It's been days since I last spoke to Lulu, we had an argument the other day on MSN, she was complaining as always that I don't use messenger (I use gaim and Adium because they rationalise all my chat clients and they are open source). I was tired and work was getting my down a bit and being told by her what I should do as if I know nothing about computers. I just lost it for a few minutes. Since then we haven't spoken to be honest I am not sure there is much to say, it seems like she has been growing up recently and starting to wise up perhaps its time for us both to move on.

I just can't get no sleep

I can't sleep have insomnia bad, I am also really reticent about bloggin today, Liz fell out with me after reading the last post. I didnt mean to upset her quiet the opposite I was trashing myself not her, however she read more into it then was there and got upset with me.

We did manage to sort things out eventually I calmed her down, its weird on one level she is very rational and stable but on another she is easily upset and emotional. I guess I am much the same myself calm and collected one minute losing my mind the next, though i suppose I am very open about what I realy think.

Anyway have now removed the link to liz blog and removed the ambiguity form my previous post so hopefully we can get back to being friends / yahoo chat buddies or whatever we are.

Another strnage one out of the blue Nikkie started messaging me, I said hello didn't want to be rude but at the same time I can't work out what she wants she had no respect for me and I made it clear that wasn't good enough, so I wonder what her motives were just to check up on me? I guess only time will tell.

I should go to bed but sleep won't come I am getting frustrated and it makes the situation much worse, so many thoughts in my head perhaps the argument with liz and lulu have had more of an affect than I admit. Perhaps work is stressing me or maybe igivng blood has fucked up my body certainly my arm still hurts.

I am going to grab another whiskey see if it helps

night night

Civ IV

Civ IV has basically been a total addiction for me since Phil and Bruce got me a copy for my birthday. Having finally beaten the game after paying something like a 60 hours (check out the xfire mini profile in the last couple of weeks. Tonight I finally managed to achieve the ultimate cultural victory hurrah. Hopefully now I can get my life back rather than playing "just one more turn"!

I did manage to get a gym session in today my arm was too sore for weights so I bashed out 45 minutes on the cross trainer, its actually quiet good give me a chance to listen to music uninterupted.

Caught up with Phil on-line after judo he still hasn't asked that girl out I am getting quiet worried about it, starting to turn into the Nicky situation all over again. He say he loves training but since he has been doing he far from becoming more tolerant he seem more aggressive especially after a few drinks practising move in bars I have a feeling it going to end in tears either he will get hurt or he'll end up hurting someone. I just hope that my fears prove unfounded but I liken excessive martial arts training to be as narcissistic as excessive gym training its just too introspective for my liking. I think Tyler summed it up best in fight club "Self improvement is masturbation, self destruction that something else"

Positive Outlook?

Like most bloggers/diarests deep down I like the idea that people are paying attention to what I have written although it can at time prove unofortunate, witness the Liz / Nikkie Saga. I guess though I have always prefered the truth from fiction so on the most part its great. Over the last few days two people have told me they read my blog, small numbers I know but hey better than none.

My arm hurts today I asked Liz about it last night (she is a Doctor after all) but all she would say is my arms probably going to drop off, thanks! I guess I haven't real engraciated myself with her given I basically have ignored her requests for me to come over. Its just I know my weakness's and I think she desrvers better than being with me.

I opened Pauls myspace today it seems his love affair with it continues unabated, I am tempted to redo his site with the same CSS see if he notices. Hopefully later this week I will get to see his gig in Manchester. Talking of gigs sandbox's xmas gig is coming up Andy will no doubt be selling tickets soon. I am constantly impressed by there advnaced busiess sense and I am sure if the band dosnt work out they would have a bright future in promotion or marketing.

Work was interesting today managed to hack Tonys program enough to shoehorn another quesiton in, thouhg nobody from freedom can actually be bothered to test it so like a 100 other changes it will probably sit on the test server forever. In the absense of anything else I spent the afternoon trying to get my laptop to have the correct resolution (stupid Linux decided it dosnt like 1280X800).

Dark Water

This evening Phil rented a film, must have been doing this a lot recently as we couldn't seem to find a film we wanted to watch. Eventually we settled on Crash only to find it was all out. Instead we rented Dark Water, it looked good from the same writer as the ring.
Eccentually the film is about a mother who having split up from her adulterous husband moves to a dingy apartment complex with her daughter. It opens well with the obligitory sepia toned flashback to the womens own abusive mother.
Unfortunatly the pace isnt so much slow as glacial. I also guessed pretty much correctly what was going to happenwithin about three scenes. The tension was built up in a kind of is she mentle or is this really happening kind of way but I felt it was clumsily handled.
There was some great acting especially from John C. Reilly as the machievellian estate agent and Tim Roth as the cheap lawyer working out of his car.
After a few more turns on civ I finally hit the hey.

Sunday Hangover

Another month another comedy night, another hangover possibly made worse by the terrible nature of the acts last night. However dodgy acts aside it was a good evenign Jono, Nick, Becs, Martin, Charlotte Endo and his missus were all out with myself Phil and Bruce.
Bruce Phil and I went for a curry at the La Quila which was very tasty before hand, it was also the first time I met Charlotte Martins new squeeze. I was suprised she wsa a lot quieter than I epected and they were very very touchy feely not quiet what I would have expected. He seemed happy though which is great.
This morning I am chilling out I should go for a jog in fact I might do shortly, either than or play civ...

Drained, Literally!

I gave blood again today was a very stressful experience, firstly they have a new form which I filled out wrong as I hurried through it :-S Then as I laid down to give blood the women announced she was a trainee which to be honest scared the crap out of me then after applying the pressure to get a view she walked off and I heard her talking to another nurse she was having trouble locating the view and the other one was warning her not to hit an artery!! Finally she stuck the needle in not the worst but fairly painful I was going a little bit under then she told me my flow rate was great, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Oh well it was a good thing to do and I got through it in the end. I certainly recommend to anyone reading its a worthwhile thing to do and you get free tea and biscuits afterwards.

After the trauma I spoke to Ian, seems he managed to get injured moving his bar, hurt hi leg hope he feel better soon. Bruce popped over and we played a bit of counter strike I am afraid I'm still pretty bad at it. Then we went for a couple of beers I had Guinness to try and up my iron levels but after two pints I was wasted. Amazing how much we take blood for granted.

Back to the daily grind

Wow in a flash two days have past, I dont seem to have done very much butI sure feel tired already!
Tongith I spent the evening with Bruce tarting up the Ejected Brass website details of the ast and xt lans are up inluding the compition results.
I also caught lost season two ep9 its was mega.
Today was interesting I finally took the plunge and bought my first shares, prviously all my investments have been in funds bt I felt like owning a piece of a company for myself. Is a very small piece though after stamp duty and dealing fees £500 bought 91 shares, there are 7million share in issue for this company so I own 0.0013% Nice!. I also got caughtout by the bid to buy spread, due to the low trading volume here is a higher price on t shares than they are trading at. However assuming this company meets it forcast and it has done for few years the divideds alone willcover the initial losses and fees then the capital growth should move the sre price on (fingers crossed). Il tell you how its going in the future, though I am holding this as a long term investent so it might be a while ;-)

Hoildays End

Well its been a great two weeks got in a lot of relaxing a lot of Civ 4 and well a few other more important things like getting my car serviced and catching up with some people.

Last night was good went out with Paul first went to tgi to see ian and have a few beers then to Jo's for more beer and chat. I ended up spending a lot of time with Holly whilst Berger and Paul were chatting. It was quiet interesting I havent really spoken to her that mch before she very intelligent I can really see why they make a good couple.
Afterwards met ian and Faye for a curry I was pretty drunk by then unfortunatly, oh well.

Today I did really do much played civ and then went for a run, amusingly Paul and Woller came round to drop off the stuff I left in Pauls car last night to see me very sweaty about to get in the shower. This evening went to the unicorn with Nick and Becs. Julies was on the bar its been along while since I had seen her shes lost quiet a lot of weight, we had a chat about our holidays mine to Budapest hers to Tunisia. Weird really I get the feeling shes still interested perhaps he holds a cnadle for me as I do for Claire dispite the fact she fucked me about.

I am not looking forward to going back to work I should already be in bed but I am aprehensive oh well Im going to smash that fucking mug to a million pieces if anyone dares to give it me again, perhaps over someones head, no no its not worth 5 years in jail just to get back at knob head co workers.

BandSox

Well my holiday has whizzed by its already Friday early morning and tomorrow I'm servicing my car and doing a few other tasks. I have hardly achieved anything I wanted too this week though it has ben really nice to have time just to chill out.
It would have ben nice to catch up with some people like Ali H and Ali B but I dont think that will happen now.
Its pouring down outside and I have just seen another sandbox gig which was actually pretty mega they played around with the make up of a few of the songs. Also good but ear splitting were 52 teenagers, and the headliners were ok.

Actually spoke to rigini and emily tonight usually miss the band as they are busy with other things, emily was interesting as alwaystalkng about achtechture, i find it fashinating to meet peopel with interests as I cant usually spend more than a few hours on something before becoming bored unless its a game like CIV of course ;-)

Today was notable for my 10 year bond finaly paying up what a waste of time I could have made more with the money sat in my ING account oh well I added the fund to my UK all share tracker and all I can say is GO UK equities!

Seriously I wonder if I will ever find a way to make enough cash to be self sufficent, tongith Phil and I called into tesco to see if we could pik up a pre release xbox 360 as they are so limited they are selling on ebay for upto 500 pounds. Unfortunatly tescos did some sort of raffle thign for the 9 units they had. Oh well better look next time I guess at least we were looking out for ways to generate cash.

I am aching like a bitch now my online trainer gave me a silly program today spent about 2 hours at the gym and at a few points had to take 5 minutes out as what i was dong was so hard I lied to be pushed but I am not sure this isnt too much oh well the results will out and this time next year I will ither be thinner of fatter or more well built we shall see.

Anyway I am up early to take my car for a service so goodnight all.

Van Hunting

Somehow last night I was talked into going van hunting with Nick, not that I am some expert in vans or anything, however by dint of owning diesel I know more than him. Ironically Nicks modeo actually decided to Die this morning so I spent the whole day ferrying him around from one sales court to the next. Fortunatly the sat nav was working so we managed to find them all ok.
There were ome real dogs out there but eventually we found a dealer of HGV who took us to GE captials rental disposal yard faced with hundred of vans of all sizes we were a little spolit for choice. Eventually we found a fairly decent Astra Diesel 1.7tdi its a 53 reg with 40k on th clock runs really well and recetnly serviced.
Carrying on the subject wiith Nick finally sorted out the ebay moneys so I am no longer in debt to him hurrah.

Bottle of blues

Its not often I writie a blog on the same night as it happens most often I make bleve its the same night and tell things as they were well tonight its all real.
I am currently drunk having been out with Ian and Faye nad Clair, ill regret saying this but Cliar is lovely, how ironic that whle I write this supertramp breakfast in america is playing. Tonight Philipa said " i just think sometimes i think you hide from the world" perhaps she is right or maybe I am just not made for the world it certainly feels that way to me like I just dont fit in anywhere im not sure anyone will ever desire me. Tonight Faye Ian and I were alking about our Australia trip and thats what 18 months ago and yet I am no nearer a relationship that I was when I went out there perhpaps my natural state is to be alone I certainly dont seem to gel wit the women i meet. PROVE YOURSELF as radiohead would say.
As I walked home tonight I remembered Laura and Hannah Kay and Ed what if I had never chaged carried on moking pot and hanging out where would I be now would I be happier? Would I have ever got with laura? I still think of her as some unatainable object and yet I know there were times if I had understood then I could have made a move, would I be happy now who knows perhaps I am not meant to be?!?!

Back Home

Its been an eventful week, the holiday was excellent I enjoyed Budapest drinking good beer eating great food it was lovely. Since getting back I have felt really good if a little tired yesterday I basically sat in my room read all my email, snail mail and caught up with a few things. Then watched lost with Bruce and Phil, who bought me a copy of Civilisation IV. I used to be so adicted to the predisessor Alpha Centuri, already I must have spent 12 hours playing hopfully I wont waste my entire week playing.
I have now just about caught up with the blog and put a load of photos online. I am hoping the week to tranfer a lot of the content from webalbum to coppermine as I think its a lot better.
Spoke to Vicky online earlier and she dropped a bit of a bombshell shes pregnant! I know what you thinking and no its nothing to do with me, I wish her well with everything its going to be hard bringing up a kid on her own but I think she will make a good mum.
Paul phoned me up he seemed in a good mood hopefully might go and visit him this week, still not entirly sure whats going on between himself and Lisa though to be honest I dont think he knows himself. He put me onto Regina Spektor an artist he found on myspace, SHe seems pretty good. I am quiet stressed about his website I did spend time looking at it but well I am no graphic deisgner and he has already lined someone else up to take over but still wants changes. I guess I am finding it hard to get the enthusiasm to work on any of the websites or indeed anything. I think I need to choose a project and work on it try and hone my skills I am worried that perhaps I spread myself too thin and achieve little if I just concentrated on less perhaps I could do more.
Manged to spend some time on rightmove checking whats out there currently it looks like I could either go for a house somewhere like adswood or a flat in Handforth. Neither is very appealing so I guess I will stay with my parents and try and get my deposit to grow futher.

happy birthday~~~

morning my dear Cookie,

its 8:40 am Nov.25th by my time, i'm sure that lulu will be the first one to wish you a happy birthday n__n

how was Hungary? should be enjoying some beers or having fun at the fantastic city :-)

lulu'll be on my trip very soon, 6 days starting from this Sunday, haha, we might have a pic fighting after me back, exchanging as many as wonderful memories...

seeya friend,

lulu

Statue Park

Another cold day here in Budapest, we awoke to a new snowfall outside. I still saw someone swimming in the pool outside though, I thought about giving it a go then decided against (its a long walk from the pool back to the room and I didn't have a robe.Today we visited statue park. After the fall of communism in Hungary all of the the Marxist statues were removed and taken away to a park in the middle of nowhere. It was quiet impressive walking round the imposing snow covered images of Lenin, Stalin and other communist “workers paradise images”. I guess its an ultimate irony that fat capitalists like myself now pay to visit the imagery of communism, Karl Marx would be turning in his grave.

I tried to give Philip and Bruce a grounding in the history of communism but I don't think they found it very interesting or particularly understood the reasons. They were impressed by the statues though.

The other side of the river

After exploring Budas old town today we planned to check out Pest, so we caught the 21 then grabbed the Metro across the Danube.
Originally we planned to go on a coach tour of the city but once there we decided to take a walking tour insted so we walked from Ference Ter to Heros Square.
Stopping at a few of the nice stores on the way (Bruce just had to check out the Apple retailer). We then walked round the park behind heros square then down to the Danube and along the bank of the river watching the night decend. After a quick stop in a bar to warm up with some tasty local beers we walked past the Parliment building and across the chain bridge.
On the way back to the hotel we decieded to ride the Cog train up the hill, it was a strange experience lumbering up the hill I cant believe how good the public transport is I dont think I would ever drive if woodford was as well served as Normafda. The only unfortunate thing was as we were getting off the doors closed leaving me trapped I had to ride the train up the hill several miles to the next stop then wait for the next one down.

Arrival in Budapest

After an early morning start in Zurich we finally managed to get to Budapest, unfortunatly even though the flight was on time we were left standing around for an hour watchin the baggage carolsel the screens said only to find that the baggage thowers had put our luggage on the wrong one.
It took 40 minutes in a taxi to get to the hotel, but it gave us a first glimpse of some of the sights of Budapest. After checking in and getting changed we took the bus into Buda arriving at Moscow Square was a little disorentating, but we were soon walking towards the old town and looking at the castle (though we did make a quick stop so I could buy a skarf to keep out the bitter cold). 
 
The old town was beautiful to walk around the building and statues were very picturesque though a lot of the meseums were closed because we were out of season.

Fog :-(

I am writing this post return of the end of my holiday but I am going to try and write from th point of view of the day itself for each of the holiday posts.
Finally the first day of my holiday, I have been listerally craving this for a month now biding my time for a break from work.
On the way to Manchester Airport it was pretty foggy, I wasnt too worried at the point oh but I should have been!
Our departure time came and went hours sped by, I spoke to the desk and was told to wait around another flight would go out and because our flights were not direct and our connection was missed we would be put on a different connection or put us up in a hotel room for the night and get a connection the next day.

After waiting for hours and hours in Manchester we finally got underway totally late for the connection unfortunatly when we spoke to the Swiss Air staff at the check in desk they were unable to get us on a flight that day and told us WE would have to pay for a hotel. Needless to say I was more than a little vexed about this and will be writing some letters of complaint once I get back home. So Swiss air set us up a discounted room in the Renaissance Marriot Hotel Zurich. Its a 5* hotel and well it was really nice, we had dinner in the Asian resutrant and it was supurb, the Sushi was about the best ive ever had so I was starting to feel better, after a drink in the bar it was time for bed in order to make the airport bus at 6.10am.

Ong Bak attack

After another day at work and another tiring gym session I decided a night I might be night so spent this evening watching some movies.

Ring 2,  oh dear oh dear Hollywoods obsession with Japanese horror has really gone wrong now, whilst I preferred the original Ring to the remake I thought the remake was passible his however was utter tripe I didn't care about the characters one bit yuk.

Next movie I was joined by Bruce though he spent most of his time searching for content on google video, mostly of potato guns and a where to buy ex soviet tanks why you ask perhaps one of his colleagues wiping out todays work finally tipped I'm over the edge?

Ong Bak is a Thai martial arts film it was quiet enjoyable with its forgettable plot terrible dialogue but excellent special effects, given it was done without wirework or cgi it was very impressive.

Comedy Night

Another Comedy night at the Woodford, British Legion tis time the comedians were pretty good especially the Kiwi he reminded me and Phil of Phils NewZealand housemate Sam.
IT was a trange compedy night, Phil and I were sat with Eric, Phils neighbour. Eric proved to be quiet an interesting guy I basically never knew either of my grandads my mum dad was alive but pretty out of it during my lifetime, so it was quiet interesting to talk to someone alive form the same generation. We were also sat with the young people from last comedy night they didnt make quiet so many heckles this time. Talking of heckles Martin could come as he spent the weeked in Birminham working on a job.
I got pretty drunk its taken me a while to sober up enough to write this blog, Jono was up on the walk home so popped in for a cup of tea.
So drunk in fact I thin I might have sent some rather inappropriate tet to girls in my phonebook oops well so far no responses ill just ignore that and move on.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

Ah another evening another hour spent at the pub, after yet another day spent at work is this my life is this it? Has a life that once promised so much evapourated into work/gym/pub/oblivion?
In 15 days I will be 26 years old another year of being alone living with my parents achieveing little, or have I achieved more last ear that any time before? I managed to get a pay rise, paid off thousands of pounds of debt, consolidate my savings and get fitter and lighter than I have been in years. So what metric should I measure myself by, one where I am doing well compared to most or one where I am not doing enough as I want?
Tonight at the pub nick was talking about his achievements his houses his relaionship with Becky and compared to that I feel a complete failure or is he an excptional success? He posed the age old question do people make there own luck or are we all victims of circumstance, personall I believe some people are better at handling change and that maes them lucky but as compared with chance or statistics one person has no better or worse luck a 1/1000 chance is a once in a lifetime occurance but given the millions, billions of people 1/1,000,000 chances happen to someone all the time.
I guess the real question is can I John Cooke pruce anything truly exceptional, can I ever achieve the life I want or a
am I forever doomed to believe there is something more something worthwhile lurkng just around the corner.
Is this all bullshit has my upcoming birthday coupled with constant crap at work made me insightful or am I typing drunken gibberish Ill let the reader decide.
Well I should go to bed sleep off the beer rest my legs from the run I had earlier, tomorrow I can try and answer the questions and put them to one side and get on with the day to day grind, night all.
Oh weird just as I type this I recieve a text message telling me I look good but I am a little shit the number is unknown was this a mistake or is someone trying to make me feel worse? Strange how the brain tried to make patterns in the chaos.

Today Was a good day

I guess so far a lot of my blogs have been about the negative sides of my life, some readers might think I am a terminally depressed person, when infact really I am quiet positive about life in many ways so as today I had a really good day I thought I would post a happy positive message.
Work went well for a change I managed to single handedly solve serval sdrs which thought they were small made made feel good that I was able to beat them without begging for help or looking like I am incapable. Even JB seemed happy, at least for a few minutes. I even managed to solve two bugs within an hour one for GS and another for Natasha.
I also got an email from the big boss, he was acutally passing on company information to me like I am a part of the team was very pleasing. Suddenly after a small email I was again part of the team someone important again, whether in the long term it is meaningful is unemporant for the moment I feel valued hurrah.
To celebrate I went to the gym an di a full cardio and weights routine I felt like a conquering hero, RT caught up with me and I showe him my routine, I think he was impressed with me I know its petty but It really made me feel like I am starting to get somewhere.
After the gym got a call from NB he wanted me to list some things on ebay but also invited me over for a few drinks, well sounded like a plan after ebaying I went straight round saw Nick Bec' and the other Paul, then Ian and Faye turned up spent the evening drinking chatting and relaxing the perfect end to an excellent day.
Doh, Ive just had to explain this entire post to lulu I think perhaps I am too drunk at the time to write coherently, cathc you ll soon
Cookie ;-)

Fitness and Websites

Well its been about three months since I started the mens health trainer, and I think I am finally starting to see results. The weights have started to creep up but I am able to handel it. Although I still need to buy some new trainers on the cardio machines I seem t be able to handle 30-45 minute sessions better than ever. Im probably fitter now than I have been since I was at school playing two games of rugby a week (no really I was actually quiet good before I tarted drinking and smoking use to do two training sessions as well!).
Regaless I am fitter leaner and more healhy and yet somehow this has not lead my life in the way I would have expected. I hoped that looking better would make it easier to meet women, and well I guess it hs just so far I havent met any that I like who liked me. Along the same line I earn more than I have ever done and yet I never seem to have an spare cash to enoyu myself. Though a lot of that relates to reckless spending in the past.
I suppose I find it hard to be happy, I can't eaisly settle for things, I lose some weight or pay off a debt and rather than celebrate the fact I look towards the next challenge. know I will never be perfect but should I stop striving for perfection? I think a lot of people just find something like martial arts religion or business and the themselves wholeheartedly into that, using that one hing as a yadstick for their lives. I fear any path that leads to addiction given I have such an addcative personality. I feel ore for the victorin sense of learning bits about everythingsunderstanding the world not justone piece of the puzzel. Latey though even in that I a proved ignorant the day to day grind taking away my ability to learn.
One success yesterday evening I found out about the iframe tage and how it can be used to lunch a file and play it inde the current web page. I shall be putting this trick to use in Pauls website soon.

Too Much Work Too Little Time

After work and the gym the next biggest drain on my time is building pcs and websites. INitailly the idea as that this extra work woul cover the cost of running my webserver (from which this sie and others are running). Somehow through my inability to oranise properly I never seem to have managed to gather in the money. Last night it was Ian turn to badger meinto working on his website. I have added a lot more text and changed the colour scheme sightly. Unfortunatly doing it reminded me of my main faiing when it comes to web design, in that I am just artistic enough I find it hard to decern how to make things look good those little exra touches people use to improve the layout and style just seem beyond me.
Tongith I will revisit Pauls website I plan to add in his mp3s and lyrics and hopefully find a way to use the colour scheme he wants.
Last night I went to the pub with Phil and Bruce we are hopefully going to book our trip soon, current possibilites are either Prague again which I would like but prefer to go somewhere new, Budapest Warsaw or Bratislava.

My name is John and Im a computer repairman

Once upon a time it was seriously uncool to know abount computers, I remember being at primary and high school, people though computers were these crazy weird things only true nerds with beards used.
Somewhere about 2002 the internet suddenly changed all of that computers were a big thing, now even my anti the biggest luddite I know uses a computer. Unfortunatly due to viruses and the complexity of the damn things all of a sudden instead of hiding computer literacy for fear of being called a geek now I hide my knowledge for fear of being asked to look at someones pc....
On which note some people I know needed there computers fixing this was the hax0red laptop and the dell comp I upgraded the memory in. Tonight I got reminded why its a bad idea fixing things for people I gave back the dell working to the best of my knowledge two days later its back here apparently it crashes all the time now :-S Im pretty sure it was fine all I did was remove some programs defrag and update windows, av install anti spyware, oh and upgrade the memory it should be fine ho well I investigate tomorrow. ThoughI have a million and one things to do like Ian and Pauls websites oh well the money for these pcs at least paid for my graphics card upgrade.
Tonight I watched Kung Fu Hustle which was a great fun full of chease and some grat kung fu and Batman Begins which I expected to hate and actually really enjoyed.

Terminal Tournaments V

Ah the sound of fans wirring, glow of leds and smell of pizza it must be a lan party!
This is the fifth lan we have run under the terminal tournaments banner, and the first one to feature a competition with prizes. The competition worked well even though I got knocked out in the second round by eventual winner Leon. I was upset that we didnt get any new people but 13 is a good turnout by any standards. I think perhaps we were not as organised as we could have been, I hope next time we can sort out a more professional gaming session.
Disorganisation aside it was a good lan with plenty of fragging especially by David B and Leon aka Bezza.
My new graphics card proved to be nice and slick for playing quake four and counter strike source, though Bruces 24 inch lcd monitor proved to be the biggest crowd pleaser.
Martin O seemed to be down I think he is having girlfriend troubles poor him, whilst Martin G was in a fine mood recieving many text from this new girl Charlotte. Whilst I am really pleased for him I do feel down that increasingly I am the only single person of my friends. I might join yahoo personals see if I can meet anyone new hopefully it will be better than the disaster that was loopylove.

Replay / Endo

Just got back from a night out in Manchester Martin, myself Phil and Martins friend Endo went to watch Sandbox the Academy Four. It in the club underneath the Manchester University Student Union. It wasnt a very good gig for sandbox although the club is all nice and new with a nice PA the levels were wrong there was feedback and it was too loud, upsetting really considering seeing Sandbox at Academy three was excellent. Oh well, after the gig we neededd to give our ears a est so went for a curry in Rusholme. Endo is a fun guy even more laddish than Martin bit much at times but seems a nice guy, he has just finished a year travelling round the world. Phil was convinced he bought our Oz van though I think the chance is fairly remote is would be a amusing.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about going travelling, but I cant decide whether I want to run away from my problems or that I am too afraid to get out on my own. I showed Liz's final email to Lulu she thinks I should act more confident and stop being so negative about myself, I am trying its just I always seem to fall short perhaps I just dont understand how to be happy?

Bought a new graphics card today a nice new geforce 6800xt. After seeing how well Bergers worked I felt it would breath some life into my aging PC. When I saw it was on today only at scan for 96 pounds I decided I ahd to have one. Just in time for the lan too :-D I gave the old one to my dad I think he was happy its (radeon 9600) got a nicer refresh rate than than his old radeon 7000. Scan computers is next to Bolton arena and that reminded me of the Coldplay concern and Ironically Bruce sent me some phots from his phone taken at the concert




As a side note I went through Pauls Blogs and removed the mass of comment spam he had accumulated and turned on the picture verification so hopefully it will put a stop to it.

p0wned

Another fun day full of computer related crap. After not being able to sleep last night I felt like exhausted. I had to get up an hour early to as I wanted to do a couple of things before the masses arrived. I made it in early enough to take a copy of the live system onto training. It seemed to go smoothly, I even managed to find the bug which had been causing the PSD to fail in transformation.

Only problem is as I feared the data has not been completed by the advisor's correctly so now Julie and I will have to go through about 40 cases and correct the details :-S

Sometimes people really annoy me, they ask for advisor when things go wrong but never listen to it. Dispite my best efforts they install crap software don't update and get their PC's into a real mess. The Doyle's PC's both have virus on them the laptop was by far the worst, an un-patched XP system with no anti virus it was heavily compromised having all sorts of weird networking services IRC bots and backdoors on-board. Netstat showed huge numbers of connections going out mostly to other (probably infected computers). Oh dear :-(
The other machine was only slightly compromised as a much more secure XP SP2 computer with anti virus the only problem I could find was a rouge active x control. I hope they arn't too upset when I tell them, though I wish they had bought an Apple Mac like I suggested!

Insomnia

Arghhhhh I am going crazy I cant sleep, my mind is totally awake. Stupid rain its hammering on my roof my room is humid, I am too hot then too cold what's wrong with me? I have been working on Paul's website its not very good, yet, I find sometimes it takes so long to do what should be a simple task just because I am out of the habit of web design, not that I was ever really that great. I suddenly have load of work on Ian's additions craddy site and now two more PC's to fix for the Doyles. The reminds me I must contact Steve Wilson and pick up my cable in time for the lan.
Liz was playing on my mind she sent me an email quiet a damning one, and she was right in a way but it dosn't really change the fact I need to sort things out on my own and I cant do it with someone so possessive. I am not sure if I should reply to her.

Im still here

Its been so long but as usual not much to post about really dont want to bore you guys, my life has been like usual work, gym pub.
Last night I met Phil and Martin in the Legion in order to put up some posters for the lan next saturday. It was a pretty good night I needed a few drinks after another week of annoying bugs, challenging co workers. Martin and Martin O were discussing doing an AV install in the legion while Phil and Myself got progressivly more drunk. It was actually a really nice chiled out evening and a nice way to end the week.
I went to the gym earlier for a cardio session, they always seem to have stands set up for some sort of promotion of another as you walk in, today it was mobile phones. The women pestered me as I walked past asking if I liked bacon sandiwches, apparently I most guys said they didnt like them! Insane it my favorite snack, lovely chrispy bacon with some brown sauce just the job.

Rain and Comedy

Ah Stockport in the rain is there a better time to see your beauty? Martin needed a bulb for his sisters car and I needed some new trainers so along with Phil we decided to go out to to Stockport, oh depressing city I can hardly believe how much time I havve spent over my life walking round its crowded streets, even with the recent renovations its a mash of 1960s concrete with a bit of a facelift where the period features have been restored like hilgate its still th same crap sex shops and pubs freqented by the dregs of society. I couldnt find any trainers that fit me stupid wide feet Martin got his bulb or free, oh and I bought a chin up bar and a radio controlled switch for my fish tank lights. True to form the switch dosnt work with the tanks lights for some bizzare reason and the chin up bar has an end missing :-S Sometimes I think I was born under an unlucky star.
I finally made it to the gym for an hour of cardio it really made me feel better even if it did make me late for tea and cause another argument with my parents.
The evening was reserved for a Woodford legion comedy night which was very funny except for Martings constant audiance heckles.
Watched episode 3 of lost season two things getting more and more surreal by the minute in fact I am kind of losing interest a little oh well pleanty of time for things to improve.

Movies and Curry

Today I felt tired after travelling to London yesterday, I didn't manage to get much done really started writing a piece about yesterdays excursion which will be published on www.server-room.co.uk. Then went into Manchester uni to backup the server this turned into a bit of a major pain as my apple laptop didn’t not want to share out a USB hard disk I had to download a little utility from the web in order to do it. However finally got hold of a decent backup which makes me feel a lot happier about the system also managed to clear about 500mb of space off the home partition, I was chatting to Bruce and it basically time to get another server in start building n some redundancy and better backup procedures.
Spoke to Liz she has started her own blog at (link removed due to liz's request) it was kind of weird not quiet sure who to behave wiht her yet I guess time will tell.
Another Friday night another night in watching movies and eating curry, this time not my house though. Last week I fixed the laptop which belongs to Jo Bergers girlfriend Holly, it had spyware and some sort of unknown virus. I didn’t have the time or these days really the skill to take it apart and fix the problem so I copied off the data and reinstalled everything from scratch not a difficult job but a slightly tedious one. In repayment Jo and Holly threw a video night round at there house, we watched The Hudsucker Proxy a quirky Coen brothers film and the 80s vampire film lost boys.
Oh and yes you might have picked up on the amount of junk food and lack of exercise this week well I don’t intend to make a habit of it and I will be making a trip to the gym tomorrow. I am now many workouts behind on my plan so many I am actually starting to feel like Ill never be able to catch up. Well I should get some sleep.

Linuxcon and Apple Store

Today Bruce and I took the day off and caught a train down to Lonon, then a tube then another tube and finally found ourselves at Olympia 2 for LinuxCon. I wasnt entirly sure what to expect from the show, I decided to go as the tickets were free and I thought I might learn something.
You can read our little review of it on Bruces server room site
Heres a neat pic of the Apple Stores Demo area its like a cinema bit where they do free demos how cool!