There is nothing like emptying a cartrige at the sun!

Several worring things from Netdoctor. I took some of the quizzes apparently I am depressed and possibliy an alcoholic, no surpirses there then. Worse though is the fact I should have had vaccinations before going to Belarus I didn't though. Hopefully I am fine on symptoms other than this never ending cold but I had that before I left.
I am sure I will survive its one of the things I seem to be good at so far. Someone asked me about the titles of the posts where it was some clever joke, unfortunatly not there is nothing very deep about it. I found I wasn't very imaginative about title so I started to choose the title or lyrics of a sing I am listening to whilst writing it, for example this post has a lyric from Regina Spektor Uhmerica. Most are pretty obvious but some are quiet obscure.

Right I am going to read the last chapter of the waste lands beofre I sleep, night night.

Happy reading!

I want more

I can't stop thinking about Maia see her in my dreams, she's always on my mind hiding in corners seeing false images memories intruding into my mind whilst I run round the track. How long will these feelings last how much can I stand. Rationally nothing ever happened never will but somehow the idea the dream if you will just wont fade at least not yet. I guess whats perverse is that I cant even talk to her about my feelings I made the choice and I have to live with it.

Meanwhile normal life continues, went to work today my boss made an appearance. He had meetings the client all morning. After lunch I chauffeured him to the new office. Its a pretty nice modern building was random to walk in and see M C and my dad sat in an office together. After a bit of a chat I gave Martin a lift back to the Airport and headed back to the clients. I heard more promises of a change to other more exciting projects but after what happened last time I think I will reserve judgement for the time being. Managed (I think to get one bug fixed) then it was home time.

Went to the gym in the hope that exercise would help rid some of my daemons, it worked a little I feel better for going though I am terribly unfit 5KM on the track nearly finished me off I'm sure I used to be able to do it faster and do a weights session afterwards. After the run I spent 25 minutes on the X-trainer then did some abdominals work I was covered in sweat and thoroughly exhausted by the time I hit the shower. I now weigh 83kg 5kg less though I fear that might in the most part be loss of muscle mass rather than fat. I think I need to get back into the weights.

How to replace a hard drive

Found out how to swap out the hard disk on my powerbook. Looks difficult but I might give it a try after the gym tonight.

Good Times Bad Times

Lulu received the card / present I sent her finally, I don't think she was impressed by the Russian doll. In fact she had no idea it was a popular Russian symbol however she was as ever most polite, think the card went down better she didn't even criticize my poor attempts at Chinese symbols. I must have practised 10 times before I wrote out the card but I still found it impossible.

Got a small moral dilemma, I have kept in touch with Paul's ex Lisa and she invited me to a party in London. I spoke to Paul about it and he was completely cool. Typically though I still some reservations fortunately I think Phil is going to come with me which should make everything cool as even if it turns out I don't have anything in common with anyone (a frequent fear of mine). Should be a fun trip out get the train there have a few drinks meet some new people catch up with Lisa, we had some fun times out in Australia so I have a good feeling. There was one spectre of a problem though on seeing a link to my blog she had a similar reaction to a girl I was kind of seeing some time back, P took one look on my blog had a total rant about how could I put my feelings online to the world I am a weirdo and I never heard from her again. Anne wasn't quiet as bad she simple said "I advise you not to".

Spent most of today chilling out I felt incredibly tired finished reading "The Waste Lands" It was a pretty good read King is a master of misdirection keeps you interested in the whys and wherefores.

Managed to make it to the gym for cardio session I found it incredibly hard to get there and harder still to make it through an hour of cardio but by the end as usual I felt much the better for it.

Spent some time today speaking to another Belarusian girl. Her name is Anna and she is currently on work experience in Bristol from her studies in Berlin. Se was most incensed I referred to a Russian village and not Belarusian one. So I went through and made some amendments. She did sent me some wonderful pictures of her home town and tell me a few more stories which was really nice. ICQ can be a wonderful medium sometimes.

Talking of why caught the first episode of the third of Lost, arghh nothing answered just more questions and only 3 characters its going to be another long but enjoyable series.

This evening watched a film Thank you for not smoking which a truly brilliant film dark funny and original. Well worth a watch whether you're a smoker or not it puts a different perspective on the debates. Part of the film is about the character that is the face for big tobacco Nick, he is an unashamed capitalist.

Out of Routine

I was a bit unhappy tired and drunk the other night, I contemplated deleting the post but given that statcounter shows quiet a few people have already read it I might as well it. To be honest some of the sentiment is true I spent six months cultivating an insane relationship with a girl in another country only to have it fail. I guess I should take away the good times I have had and move on try to find happiness closer to home.

I feel exhausted this morning building the internet cafe was a lot harder than we imagined. A series of last minute problems meant that although by 2 O'Clock we thought we were nearly finished, we didn't actually leave the ICC until 8:30pm. Then went for a curry courtesy of Jim then Bruce drove back to Manchester arrived about 12:30 I felt very tired went to bed.

Internet Cafe

Today set up an internet cafe in the Birmingham ICC, starting at 8am Loading the car at Phil's house. I am actually sending this post from one of the internet computers here. Apologies for the poor quality photos but they were taken on my phone.
We had a few last minute problems and ended up having to rebuild the Smoothwall box, it normally runs headless and we didn't have a monitor so we had to borrow the plamsa screen from one of the displays.

Obsessions

Recently I have had too obsessions both must end. Its time for a new me to emerge, once a long time ago Bruce said to me "I went away and when I returned it was like meeting John Version 2". Bruce was refering to the change in me caused by meeting Jenny, well today I think its time for another new version. I hit an impasse today I wrote a long message to Maia basically asking her how could she haved loved Mattius aka plastic fantastic and not me. Could ever be the one?

Then I realised I have already let her go, already admitted to myself she loved someone else. If thats true all other questions are irrelivent so why ask. only to torture myself. It is time to move on to forget to remember the good and forget everything else. Maia showed my something that I could feel more, that I could meet someone who made me feel that I was whole. Her life has been far harder than mine I have to right to ask anything of her she showed me more kindness than most.

So now I am John version 3 tring to find a new path, I need to change remember those happy feelings and not settle for less (I dont think inm my heart I can anymore). Tonight I went for a quiz with work, we came 4th its finishing at 9 I walked home stopping off for a few more drinks and realisation started to dawn. I have to give up I cant waste my life longing for the impossible I need to take the good bits and move on. I will be 27 in November once upon a time I talked about having kids before I was 30 I doubt that now perhaps thats a life not for me I no longer know. All I do no is I cannot go on dreaming I need to push ahead start going back to the gym start feeling happy and positive remember the fun times and forget this darkness that I feel I am drowning in.

This is probably all drivel I am a little drunk and nonsensical. Tomorrow I am going to help Phil build at internet cafe hopefully it will help take my mind off everything.

Mooncakes

Lulu is back off her trip just caught her I as turned on my pc before work. She was telling me about some of the things she saw including the grave of an ancient king from the Zhuo dynasty in it were buried horses and chariots. It is said only the king could have six-horse chariot
She told me it was moon fesival time and that reminded me back to the frist SMS message I received from China (form her) it feels like yesterday but it was years ago.

I cant wiat for Shanghai it should be out of this world.

Nice to be out

Work was a lot better today I took the initiative and moved onto something different, handed one of my problems to a senior collegue who kind of agreed with me so we might be able to get somewhere now.

Most amusing thing today was watching (for the first time in two years) a traffic warden coming round Wilmslow ticketing all the people parked illegally, unlucky people in overpriced 4x4 parked illegally.

Saw a great tagline today For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.. I think I've seen it before but still made me chuckle.
Wimped out of the gym and given I am going to a works quiz night tomorrow and out to Birmingham on Saturday wont get another chance until Sunday lazy me.

The picture of me hugging a bear finally arrived from Belarus, its really funny Maia looks terrified!

Fast as you can

Felt very de-motivated at work today, our compitors were in a bullish mood laughing and joking with the management. I was left with a problem which I couldnt get to the bottom of I feel like my skills are wasting not improving and I am not sure what I can do about it. The lack of management leadership and training coupled with growing disquite from the customer have conspired to destroy my confidence and motivation.

To counter this blackness I managed to get back to the gym only did a cardio session 45minutes jogging and 15 minutes on the bike it was increadibly hard work I dont know if its the break or the illness I had whilst I was away in Belarus. Hopefully I will quickly manage to get back into the swing. It was important to go just to get back it took a lot of effort because I knew it would be hard. The gym hasn't changed at all the smells, the vaugly familer people I have seen so many times and yet never spoken to, the vague feeling of unreality of running round the track, travelling without moving almost.

Tonight I have been working with Bruce trying to get the new webserver going its proving slightly difficult because we want it to be a lot better st up than the last one. In the end gave up and went to the pub try again another day.

Alone In Kyoto

Japanese class was pretty damn difficult, I missed the last two lessons and dispite my efforts to keep up I am finding it very difficult to learn the Katakana alphabet. I guess I also found it hard to learn the English alphabet as a kid too I remember hours of writing practise not like my hand writing ever got particuarly good. I am determined to carry on and improve though I am totally fed up of being a typical ignorent Englishman incapable of speaking another langague.

Finally got hold of the special cable for doing the sever it cost £20 plus shipping dispite being the crappest flimsyest thing I have seen it is good enough to get the server up and running so hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can migrate all the websites to a better faster computer. I also found I needed IBMs special server administration disk to set up the RAID controller, a bit annoying as it meant downloading 600MB just to change two settings!

Also on computer front finally got my replacement battery from Apple so hopefully I wont go up in smoke now!

I need to get back to the gym I haven't been since before I left for Belarus and since I got back I felt ill then tired but its no use I need to get back into it or Ill get fat(er). Think Ill pack my gym bag and go after work do some cardio to help get back into the swing of things.

World of Work

Dispite passing out and throwing up in front of my boss somehow my dad managed to secure a part time job with my company. Fortunatly we dont have to work together for the forseeable to be honest I seriously doubt I will ever work on any other project again.

Its good for him to get some work to me it was a sign of how messed up the world is that someone so intellegnet can be left on the sidelines. It was a strange feeling though hearing him talking about my collegues he met and will be working with. About some of the work I have discussed or heard being discuessed. For the moment I guess Ill just have to reserve judgment and hope he enjoys it.

I have Japanese class tonight I am a little bit worried having missed the last two ones I went through the notes with Phil and hopefully I will be able to pick up what I have missed. I was chatting to some random Lituanian girl last night she seemed to think Japanese was the most pointless langauge to learn, I disagree its still the worlds second largest economy and culturally interesting place. Plus if I can learn Japanese I can learn any language.

I wish my parents would finish up decoating already its been over 6 mnoths since I have a lounge or a tv we can use the heating because there are so many radiators disconnected and its getting colder here.

How to dismantle an atomic bomb

Just in case you are ever in a situation in which you need to dismantle and atomic bomb

A quiet drink with Ian

Clearly there is no such thing, as a quiet drink when Ian is involved. Sunday night and Ian tempts me out. Instead of being smart, taking it easy and getting to bed I drank sambuka beer vodka.
It was actually quiet fun but I feel like I could die this morning.

Have a cigar

I am listening to Pink Floyd whilst I do a few little bits to my site I have been meaning to do forever but never got around to. Firstly I have tried to move all the older photo galleries so everything is in coppermine rather than in the old web gen albums I used to use. Its incredibly tedious but it is weird to see some of the old photos I have my camera for 4 years now quiet weird I remember so vividly the excitment of buying it I have wnated one for so long. Now its old and I am usually slightly ashamed at how big and clunky it looks but regardless I have taken some great shots.

Last night I went round to Bergers house to play monopoly and drink beer. As usual I felt like I was being constantly analysed by Holly, I also feel that she draws far too many conclusion quickly. Yes I like games I get excited to win does that say a lot about me? I think not really competition is natural in a darwinian being such as we are does it say something deep about my soul I am sure you could drawn a lot of conclusion some true some not the trouble with people is dispite all we know we are unpredicatble things at the best of times.

I miss Maia terribly miss the ability to sit and chat for hours to feel totally at peace. Her ability to keep me completly abosrbed whilst she talked, I wonder constantly what would have happened if things had been different if I had gone out to see her sooner? Would I be like her Italian is to her now? Or did we get on so well because I didnt push a romantic connection. Of course its impossible to know and I can only drive myself insane with the questioning. I need to forget and move on stop chasing such impossible and idealised dreams.

Lethargy

Since arriving back in the UK I feel like I have been in a daze. I still have a virus and I haven't been able to sleep well, too much on my mind maybe?

Last night I stayed in and watched some movies (Syriana very good and Clerks excellent). Phil joined me, we sat watching films drinking vodka and juice. Then chatted about life love and our lives I'm sure it was quiet deep only I cant remember due to excess alcohol consumption.

Today I tried to catch up on my Japanese easier said than done, I need to learn the whole Katakana alphabet. Katakana is the Japanese alphabet use to write foreign words its the easiest of Japans three alphabets. To learn it for Tuesday is a bit ask, but after missing two lessons I feel I need to put a lot of effort in to get back to speed.

Martin popped over he has bought himself a Jeep Cheroke 4x4 its big black and very very Martin! He took me out for a ride in it. The ride was very comfortable and it certainly has all mod cons. I can see why he likes it, I still think I would prefer a sports car though.

I'm off round to Jo B's hours to play monopoly and drink beer what a rock and roll lifestyle I lead.

Leaving Minsk Behind

The days had flown by I woke up early a little hung over from last night, but the worst feeling was the trip being nearly over. I went down to breakfast many thoughts whirling around my head.

I met Maia early so I could grab some presents for the folks back home, I felt a little hung over from the night before and worried about leaving.

We went to the market and I bought some Matryoshka (Russian Dolls) for my parents Phil Bruce and everyone. We went for a final coffee in London (a nice little coffee bar) and walked back to the hotel I found it hard to speak there was so much I wanted to say but it all ended up unsaid. I checked out and we rode into a taxi she joined me till the edge of the city where her home is.

I hugged her goodby a tear in my eye, she got out and I watched her walk away as the taxi sped off. Another couple of hours I was flying out of Belarus back to warsaw a five hour wait for a plain to the UK. I ended up having to throw away the $6 Vodka I bought but managed to bring Ian some cheap fags (only $16).

On the plain home the first song that came on my i-pod was one of Paul's "Until Your Home" one lyric stood out to me "it aint a lonely life if you find somebody right" I couldn't help feeling maybe I had but I was leaving her behind.

I'll never forget my holiday to a country where people earn $100 a month, worry about going hungry not about what car they drive.
The cleanest country I have ever seen with its huge streets, imposing structures, military on the streets, strange laws with friendly people, but no English.

Minsk - Day Seven

Last full day in Belarus tomorrow I would be heading back home, I felt pretty sad to be soon leaving time had seemingly flown by since my arrival last Tuesday.
Maia had a lecture in the morning so I went to look around the Great Patritic war monument near to my hotel. I met her at noon and we decided to try and head to the village again as the weather was good, buying some break cheese and ham from the supermarket to have as a picnic we hoped in a taxi and 25 minutes later arrived at the village.

Only one small issue it was closed, Monday is the day when lots of things like the market and the village were closed, oh well third time unlucky. As we already had the food we got back into the taxi headed back to the city and into a different park for a picnic lunch. We even fed the ducks with the crumbs, there werent any Swans though.

Emotions were high and we chatted for hour Maia told me so much about herself and her life I felt so close to her in these moment I just wanted to reach out to her but then part of what she was telling me was the love for her boyfriend so I just sat listened and told some of my stories.

In the evening we went out to the same bar from the first night, I ate caviar for the first time, it was pretty tasty thought a little salty. Guila and Andre met us for a couple of drinks even though they were both feeling ill, very good of them. A Croation friend of Maia's also joined us for a drink.
In the taxi home I hekd her hand and wondered how I could leave this person to whom I had become so close to behind.

Dacha - Day 6

I slept pretty well must have been the vodka, though Maia did keep me awake a while constantly texting her Italian man.
Breakfast was a salami and cheese toasty, very tasty, Maia and I were up hours before Andre and Guila slept in a bit. Maia and I cleared up the Datcha and chatted a little. It was a day to move slow, enjoy the sun pack up and head out for the bus.

We managed to catch an auto taxi on the way back it was actually slightly cheaper though it dropped us off on the outskirts of town. Maia and I said goodbye to Andre and Guila and walked off in search of the city proper.

Walking for miles past though city kind of lost but having a snese of purpose we finally came to a place Maia recognised (it had a McDonalds of all things!). We then headed to the library passing the Childrens railway station on the way; a mini railway run by children. Finally we reached the library again I was itching to take some photos, last time my camera had run out of juice.

Maia was dead tired so I grabbed a taxi and went back to the hotel, going to the Datcha and meeting her friends had been a real treat. The Datcha was one of the most peaceful places I have ever been to out in the country surrounded by forest and fields. This was definatly a high point of the trip.

I used this evening to finally finish war and peace! Hurrah I dont think I have ever had to work so hard to finish a book, the characters are so well done but some of the descriptions and Tolstoys historical pespectives can be so dry and difficult bits were a real challenge.

Dacha - Day 5

Today was the earliest meeting for myself and Maia, though she had a problem and was a little late we had to grab a taxi to get to the bus station on time.
The bus station was my first opportunity to meet Maia's friend Gulia's and her boyfriend Andre. We then had a very crowded bus journey out into the wild of Belarus during which I gave up my seat to an old chap and then was shouted at in Russian by some old women. Guila and Maia were laughing becuase they shouted in Russian but I knew that they wanted me to go take a seat.
The auto bus took about 45 minutes to get to our stop we then had a three kilometer walk to the Dacha itself.

On arrival Maia went into cleaning mode whilst I attempted to help Andre chop some wood,. I am afriad I wasnt a very good lumberman. Luckly Andre was excellent splitting the logs seemingly effortlessly.

Maia and her family have tended to leave all there old clothes at the Dacha. So she had me try on some of her dads old clothes including his tank ommander coat.

Lunch consisted of Maia tasty home made Ravioli and vegitables. It was really nice and afterwards we sat out chatting in the garden for a while, cut a bit more wood, then I helped Maia do dinner by pealing loads of potatoes.

Andre cooked the meat on the bbq whilst Maia made the potatoes and salad, I got to light the Camin (fire) and stop the cabin burning down as it spat out sparks!
Dinner was lovely hot pork nice potatoes and even some home grown tomatoes. After dinner Andre adn Guila entertained us by singing songs (unfortunatly all in Russian or French but they sounded good he played very well).

Whilst he played we drank first beer then vodka, apparently the way to drink vodka is to have a small glass of vodka neat and a glass of juice (or beer if your hardcore). Drink the vodka in one then sip the juice (and pour another vodka).