Some night I feel a little like I am not actually quite there, I am with my friends I am sat talking and listening, yet I have this weird sensation I am not entirely part of the group. This feeling might have been due to the fact I am tired or that I wasn't drinking with the others so they were drunk to my sober.
Regardless tonight was one of those evenings for me. I went out with Paul, Pippa, Woller and Phil to the Kings Head in Cheadle Hulme. Paul and Pippa seemed to inhabit a separate world, mostly self-absorbed in a subtle subtext I could only loosely follow, Ian was obsessed with the women, Woller seemed tired and withdrawn and Phil was on a mission to be drunk.
The situation made me start thinking about an article a read recently, a psychologist suggested that our mind is like an actor on stage. To all the people watching the actor seems to live the role. The people behind the scenes are the ones really directing their actions. Perhaps I am not really in-control maybe my free will is really an illusion like the matrix, it only works when people believe they have a choice even if the choice is obscure.
Paul seems to think it would be a good idea for me to write a book. In truth I would love to, the idea of something with my name on sat in a bookstore would be incredible. I have enjoyed writing this blog even though the quality is pretty variable and [in its very nature] self obsessed it gives me pleasure to be able to release some of the ideas in my brain. The problem is I find it hard to keep onto on message. Anyone who has read a few of the blogs will posts I have written will have noticed a mix of feeling, comment, ideas, and dreams. The idea of focusing everything on one piece of text is somewhat scary, what if no one liked it? An even worse thought, what if I hated it?
Actually, I am being slight hard on my friends they were all in a good mood this evening, we had some good laughs mostly at each others expense. Ian did his best to chat up a rather beautiful young woman. We thought Ian was going great guns, if a little conservatively. After a little banter and a botched attempt to go over to further his mission the girl in question left. Silly girl!
I have a dilemma about new years eve I still have no plan, I have been invited to two house parties, one at Martins and one at Pippa's. I can say the idea of going to Martins house and watch him have fun with Charlotte and be boisterous has little appeal. Going to Pippas has merit, nights with Paul are always fun and Pippa is lovely. Unfortunately last time I went to her place I made a complete fool of myself. Getting far, far too drunk and generally not ingratiating myself with her friends, I am not entirely sure its the best way to go especially as I would have to make it back the next day from London and be in work on the 2nd.